Mammoth

Woman over P.A.: The Pleistocene Museum was founded here

in 1879 by Armand Kavorkian.

Man over P.A.: You have asked about the smilodon,

given its common name because of the large canines protruding out of its mouth.

Commonly known throughout North America during the Ice Age...

ISN'T THIS COOL, SWEETIE?

...the smilodon was a beast to be reckoned with.

It could deliver a biting reach...

- DUDE, KEEP A LOOK OUT. - ALL RIGHT, HURRY UP, MAN.

KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON.

WHAT'S THE HOLDUP?

YOU'VE GOTTA SEE THIS.

WHOA.

DUDE.

I TOLD YOU.

Boy: THIS THING IS HUGE.

Boy #2: YOU'RE TELLING ME.

"SCIENCE" MAGAZINE SAID THESE THINGS ALL GOT WIPED OUT

BY A PATHAGON.

THIS SECTION'S OFF-LIMITS, YOU KNOW.

FOR THE RECORD, IT'S NOT "PATHAGON." IT'S "PATHOGEN."

GERMS, THEY CAN KILL YOU--

OR EVEN AN ENTIRE SPECIES FOR THAT MATTER.

DO YOU READ THAT MAGAZINE TOO?

OH, YEAH YEAH. I HAVE A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION.

- IS IT YOURS? - I LIKE TO PRETEND HE IS.

COOL.

COME ON, WE'RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE.

- GOTTA GO. - SEE YA, MISTER.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

WELL, YOU'RE FULL OF SURPRISES, AREN'T YOU?

( dramatic music playing )

OKAY, THERE WE GO.

Man: CHESS OR CHECKERS, DOC? I VOTE CHESS.

Man #2: NOT TONIGHT, GORDON.

I'VE GOT SOME HOMEWORK HERE.

- DON'T YOU EVER SLEEP? - WELL, I TRY TO AVOID IT IF I CAN.

SO MUCH HISTORY, SO LITTLE...

TIME.

- ( chimes ) - OH, NO.

- ( yells ) - WHAT'S THE HURRY, DOC?

ARE YOU LATE FOR A FUNERAL?

JACK'S BIRTHDAY!

Man: PROJECTIONIST'S LOG

06-06-07:

IN AN ATTEMPT TO VANQUISH HER DISAPPOINTMENT

OVER HER FATHER'S EMPTY-HEADEDNESS,

WE HAVE DECIDED TO ADVANCE THE MAIDEN VOYAGE

OF THE STARSHIP THEATER.

GIVE ME ALL SHE'S GOT, CAPTAIN.

RIGHT. AYE, MATEY.

SQUIRRELLY, GET ME RUM

- FROM BELOW. - YES, SIR.

( Western music playing )

HE KNEW I NEEDED HIM TO GET MY LICENSE.

IT'S TWO HOURS, 13 MINUTES

AND TWO MISSED PHONE CALLS. THIS IS A NEW RECORD.

NOT IF YOU COUNT THE TIME THAT HE FORGOT TO PICK YOU UP

AFTER BALLET CAMP LAST SUMMER.

- FORGOT THAT. - MMM.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, HONEY.

I WOULD HELP YOU IF I COULD.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT MY FATHER'S DEFECTIVE.

GIVE ME CREDIT. I GOT THE BALL ROLLING.

MOM WOULDN'T LET THIS HAPPEN.

NO, SHE WAS YOUR DAD'S BETTER HALF,

AND HE'S FEELING LIKE HALF A MAN WITHOUT HER.

Cowboy: You killed my father.

- Now you must die! - HE'LL GET OVER IT.

AI, CAVAC-- I-- HANG ONTO THAT.

- I'LL SAVE THE DAY. - ( phone beeping )

HMM.

UH-HUH.

EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD.

UH-HUH.

DID I PAY THE BILL?

NOT TOO LATE. A COUPLE HOURS.

GET OVER THERE 00, 3--

GOD, MAYBE THEY 00.

KEYS, WHERE DID I PUT MY KEYS?

Man: WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO HOME?

I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING THAT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

NOT ANOTHER "TWILIGHT ZONE" MARATHON.

I'M THINKING "THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL."

- Jack: HEY, GRANDPA. - YEAH?

Jack: LOOK.

Man: H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS.

THIS IS SO STRANGE.

UMM.

GOD, WHO AM I KIDDING?

YES YES YES YES YES YES.

OH, VERY GOOD.

- ( beeping ) - WHAT?

THIS IS A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S GOT ALL THE PEOPLE EXCITED.

Man: HEY, BUD. HOW'D YOUR DATE GO?

Man #2: MAN, SHE MADE SPICY TUNA LAST NIGHT.

TUNA? SHE'S MAKING YOU TUNA?

YEAH. HEY, NOT SO MUCH CREAM IN MY COFFEE.

HOW'S IT GOING?

- Man: WHERE'S THE SHERIFF? - Man #2: THE SHERIFF'S OFF SOMEWHERE.

- Man: WHAT? - HE SAID WE CAN'T LET NOBODY BACK HERE.

Man: HE TOLD YOU TO GO WATCH IT?

WELL, BUD, WHY AIN'T YOU WATCHING IT THEN?

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.

I CAN'T HAVE YOU CONTAMINATING A CRIME SCENE, DOC.

CRIME SCENE?

I'M CONDUCTING A FORMAL INVESTIGATION INTO WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

STANDARD PROCEDURE, FRANK.

WELL, SHERIFF,

A METEOR HIT THE BUILDING.

WELL, JUDGING BY THE AMOUNT OF ASH ON THE GROUND,

IT MUST HAVE INCINERATED MY MAMMOTH ON IMPACT.

YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN YOU DROP AN ICE CUBE INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

AND IT GOES KABLOOEY?

YEAH. YEAH, SURE.

HEY LOOK, I REALLY-- I PROBABLY SHOULD DO SOME TESTS FIRST

- TO CONFIRM MY THEORY. - AFTER THE INVESTIGATION.

- OH. - SOMEBODY STOLE IT.

- A 17-TON MAMMOTH IN A BLOCK OF ICE? - YEAH.

PEOPLE PULL HOAXES ALL THE TIME WITH CROP CIRCLES.

YEAH, LIKE THAT GUY IN OREGON WITH THEM BIGFOOT PRINTS.

- RAY WALLACE. - THAT'S THE ONE.

OKAY, WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING?

AND YOU, YOU MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

I MEAN, IT IS LIKE THE BLIND LEADING THE STUPID HERE.

DEPUTIES...

PLEASE ESCORT THE GOOD DOCTOR TO HIS VEHICLE.

WHOA WHOA, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON, OKAY?

THIS IS MY MUSEUM.

AND THIS IS MY TOWN.

I'LL EXPECT YOUR STATEMENT

- TOMORROW MORNING, FIRST THING. - OKAY.

WELL, EXPECT TO SEE ME THEN!

OKAY, TAKE CARE.

- THANK YOU, DOC. - Frank: I'LL BE BACK.

THAT'S FISHY.

OKAY OKAY, BACK ON TRACK.

JACK WILL UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN, THERE'S A GOOD EXCUSE AFTER ALL.

ANY OF YOU KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND SHERIFF MARION MORRISON?

DEPENDS.

WHO'S ASKING?

I'M SPECIAL AGENT POWERS.

THIS IS MY PARTNER, SPECIAL AGENT WHITAKER.

WE'RE HERE TO ASSESS THE SITUATION.

AND JUST WHAT IS YOUR JURISDICTION?

EARTH.

- ( chatting ) - Bud: YOU THINK SHE--

SHH, I'M TRYING TO READ THEIR LIPS.

IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT HOW SEXY-LOOKING THAT DEPUTY IS.

- ( chuckling ) - WANTING TO GIVE HIM A FULL INSPECTION.

GOOD GOOD, WHICH ONE IS SHE TALKING TO? ME?

NOT HER-- HIM.

NOT FUNNY.

THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

Both: SHE'S HOT.

YOU TWO GOT SOMETHING GOING ON I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

Both: NO, SIR.

TELL THEM NOTHING.

- YES, SIR. - SHERIFF.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A RECORD OF EVERYTHING LEADING UP TO THE EVENT.

NOTHING MOVES. IS THAT CLEAR?

CLEAR AS MUD.

- IS THERE A PROBLEM, SHERIFF? - OKAY.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER WITNESSES?

ONE.

- THE DEAD SECURITY GUARD. - Morrison: NO.

FRANK ABERNATHY.

I KNOW I'M LATE,

BUT THIS METEOR

PRETTY MUCH INCINERATED THE LAST FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE.

BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ENOUGH ABOUT ME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

DON'T BE SUCH A FRANK, FRANK. JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.

MY CAR! THE CAR BROKE DOWN,

AND THEN MY PHONE WOULDN'T WORK. POOR GORDON.

HE CAME IN AND HE SAID, "DO YOU WANNA PLAY CHESS?"

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE, FRANK ABERNATHY? YOU SOUND LIKE A DIMWIT.

YOU SOUND LIKE A BIRDBRAIN. BIRDBRAIN!

16th BIRTHDAY. DRIVER'S LICENSE.

FRANK ABERNATHY, YOU'RE BAD.

YOU MESSED UP. IT WAS A BIG DAY AND YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.

IT WAS A BIG DAY.

VIOLA.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Jack: IT'S YOUR CAR.

Simon: NOT ANYMORE.

KLAATU BELONGS TO YOU.