After Life

They do make it look easy, don't they, on the telly?

- On the Olympics? - Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think you'll make it this year.

- No? - No.

- Oh God. - Oh my God!

- Yeah. - We're just going around.

- People are looking. - They're not!

People are looking at me and going, "Aw."

No, they're looking at me and going, "Aw."

They're going, "Look at him. He's trying to help her, but she's..."

He's not trying to help her!

He's just laughing at her and filming her! That's not helping!

Hi. Hi.

The back door was open so I just came in.

- Good. Hungry? - Yes.

- Where do you wanna we go? - Somewhere quick.

- Got to be at work at 10:00. - Okay.

Do you want to go rowing sometime?

- Rowing? - Yes.

Just for a laugh, on the boating pond?

Boating pond? Why?

Don't know. I just thought it might be something you might quite like to do.

Not really.

See you later!

Come on, Em.

- Morning. - Morning.

You ready?

Oh, hold on.

You all right?

- What? - Sit down.

"What?" What kind of greeting is that? Hello.

- Wanna come over later... - No.

I haven't finished.

To the house for some dinner.

You could bring Emma. Do a foursome or something.

Me and Emma aren't a twosome.

That's fine. I just mean there'll be four of us.

Right. Well, I'll bring Brian, then, if it's purely mathematical.

God. Nothing is simple with you, is it?

Just bring your nice, platonic friend Emma.

We'll have a nice, grown-up time.

I'll be honest, it'd be good for us. Me and Jill.

It's fun having people over, isn't it? We don't get out much and...

Well, I think that was part of the problem with the little hiccup in our marriage.

What? Not having people over?

- No. You know what I mean. - No.

Okay, get this, yeah?

Jill thinks I'm not very adventurous. Can you believe that?

Yeah.

But seriously.

It's ridiculous. I've got two cagoules.

Why would I need those if I wasn't adventurous?

Or you could say, how adventurous is a man who doesn't like getting his hair wet?

I've been looking at camping gear.

- Wow. - I'm probably gonna buy those boots.

Come on, come over. Please.

Help me prove her wrong. I feel a bit misunderstood.

Go on Oprah.

Is there any way to prove her wrong without me being involved?

It's not a big deal! You don't even have to stay long.

Just you and Emma come over, we have some fun, done.

- Don't you have to warn Jill? - No, spontaneous.

I mean, I will call her now and tell her. Otherwise she'll get in a bit of a tizz.

She'll want to get ready and we don't usually do a big sit-down meal.

Eat before you come, and then we'll just, you know, have some drinks,

put on some tracks, have a few laughs.

There'll be no laughter.

7:30?

I'm usually on my second bottle of wine by then.

Okay, perfect. You can drink it at my place.

- Right. - Yeah?

- Okay. - Great.

If Emma's up for it.

- Oh. - Thank you.

Oh fucking hell.

- I can hear you. - I know.

- Wait 'til you're out of the office to... - Come on.

What a shit day already.

- Hiya. - Hiya.

How's it going with your friend, Tony?

Hmm. Well, exactly that, really. We're just friends.

Even that's a bit tense at times, to be honest.

We haven't even taken a selfie together.

Oh.

Well, he must be mad not to pay you more attention.

Right.

I thought it would be nice to document my 50th novel.

Fifty? Wow. How long have you been writing?

Oh, been writing all my life, dear. It's all I've ever wanted to do.

Wrote my first published novel when I was 15

and I've written at least one a year ever since.

Wow. Who is your publisher?

Self-published, dear.

I designed the cover and everything. It's very professional.

Not in a... Not in a money-making sense.

I've actually lost money, but, you know, it's a passion, isn't it?

- Yep. - I've got to leave something behind.

I never married or had children or anything, so, you know…

How do you make your money though?

I'm a medium.

Right.

I read people's auras or palms or crystal balls, tea leaves, anything.

But this is my passion. Novels.

And they're all about one person, are they?

Yes.

Dr. Barnaby Love, MD.

I combine medical drama with erotic fiction.

"Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed."

Why is it "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed"?

Well, I always hoped it'd be picked up as a long-running series, like Columbo.

But sadly not.

Mm, my first choice, back in the day, was Roger Moore,

but nowadays it would probably be someone like George Clooney.

I mean, he's played a doctor, hasn't he? He'd know what he was doing.

Probably knows more than me.

You haven't had any medical training?

No.

- How do you get the technical stuff right? - Eh, just pick things up.

Sure.

Would you like me to read a bit from my latest one?

Yeah.

Open Wide.

Not that bit. That's filth.

Let's have a look. Here's a good bit.

So Dr. Barnaby is, um, operating on someone

that all the top surgeons in the world said could not be saved.

But Dr. Barnaby disagrees.

Okay. "Nurse Stacey mopped his brow."

"'Is that better, Doctor?'"

"Their eyes meet over the masks you have to wear in operating theaters."

"'Please, call me Barnaby.'"

"She blushes. 'Okay, we're going in!'"

"He injects the medicine into the patient's main artery."

"'That should do the trick, ' said Barnaby. 'Okay, stitch him up, Nurse.'"

"'Dinner later?' 'Ooh, yes, please, ' she said. 'See you at 8.'"

There.

- Does he live? - Who, dear?

The patient.

Oh, I didn't say. Didn't bother with that.

I'm sure he's fine if they got the medicine into the main artery.

Exactly.

I wonder why all the top surgeons around the world didn't think of that.

Eh, Dr. Barnaby's special, isn't he?

He's best in the world.

A randy bugger, too, which never hurts.

- Good. Take a picture. - Yep.

Smile.

Ooh.

Great.

- Will this be in next week's paper, dear? - Yep.

Could you mention that I'm doing a live reading and book signing

at the Tambury Fair?

Sure.

Oh, good. And do bring your wife along. It's mostly for women.

I, uh... I don't have a wife.

Oh, gay? Even better.

I'm not gay. Just...

I, uh...

I lost my wife.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like to contact her?

With all my heart.

- Okay. Well... - No, I mean...

I... I don't...

I don't believe in all that. But... But thank you.

This is for you.

Open Wide, though.

I mean, in this context, that only means one thing.

- Yeah. - Doesn't it?

I... I hate that.

He knew we were crossing the road, but he had to save that ten seconds

'cause he's got such an important job as a full-time cunt!

I always wish I had a brick to put through the fucking window.

That'd be the last piece of the jigsaw.

You actually carrying a brick around with you,

hovering around zebra crossings.

It'd be a social service. I'd be like Batman.

But mental.

Yeah. Maybe I'm not grieving.

Maybe I'm just an arsehole. I just like punishing people.

Classic vigilante story, innit?

I am like Batman, or Dexter.

He was a serial killer, but his dad taught him only to kill bad people,

but he was just mental.

Or Spider-Man.

His uncle got killed and he went fucking sorting out bad people, didn't he?

Didn't he get bitten by a spider? I don't remember the uncle bit.

Yeah, and then he made himself a poncy little outfit.

I wouldn't bother with that. I'd just wear my own clothes. So, uh...

Also, I would fucking batter Spider-Man.

Puny little twat in tight kids pajamas?

- He's got Spidey senses though. - Yeah? Stomp! Squashed!

"Dr. Barnaby leaned back on his leather office chair, thoughtful."

"He was worried about a patient who had the worst brain tumor he had ever seen."

"There was a knock at the door. 'Come in, ' said Dr. Barnaby."

"The door opened to reveal Nurse Cindy,

"the most attractive nurse in the hospital." Obviously.

"'Oh sorry, ' she said. 'The ladies changing rooms are out of order,

so I wondered if I could change here, as you're a doctor.'"

"'Of course, ' said Dr. Barnaby."