Dave Chappelle: The Unstoppable...

This is protected by the red,

the black, and the green at the crossroad with a key.

Roar the lions

I was a soft kid.

I was sensitive, I'd cry easy, and I would be scared to fist-fight.

And my mother used to tell me this thing, I don't know if you remember,

but you said this to me more than once.

You said, "Son, sometimes you have to be a lion

so you can be the lamb you really are."

I talk this shit like a lion.

Come king, try and bask Claw slash, lion sword

Bring war to your front door Till we no see you no more

Kill or be killed is a skill What we learn and master

Annihilate and decimate Like a natural disaster

No doubt we've calmed the beast I warned you about

Bloody rain and thunder Roar if we catching a drought

Mapogo lions on the concrete plain

Niggas running from our shadows 'Cause we all spit flames

Lion heart we share upon Why Babylon can't breathe

Why we a village They village with every step we take

Mapogo looks so deceptive But my cause is perfected

A smile in your face Then turn round and dissect it

From the fear and disrespect

The smoke hit different When your screen is cigarettes

Big Ben, Queen Elizabeth Get your rep up

I stepped up for the ones you ate

For then multiplied in snake form Wait for 'em

We in hell boy, breathe 'em

Treason I believe in How the jungle work

In order for you to live You need young to murk

Tear through the ACL The kidneys, organs, they all choose

You can keep the ruby chains I don't like y'all jewels

Wrapped around my neck Squeezed tight, I bleed life

Scream light in this bitch I've seen lightning get thick

Brain storm, it got heavy My vision never cloudy

The form stay right, nigga howdy...

Yo, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Please, everyone, have a seat.

Be comfortable.

We got a lot to talk about.

Now, I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you how this show came to be.

You guys know I live in Ohio.

In January, when this nigga, Trump and Elon...

...made this DOGE thing, and cut all those government jobs,

the housing market in my hometown plunged 20%

in the first quarter. And I don't mean to talk like a white...

...but, boy, they did that, didn't they?

And then when this nigga deployed the National Guard in my hometown

and took the police department from the mayor,

oh, D.C. niggas, we don't like that.

But then my governor in Ohio sent our National Guard

to police my hometown.

And I called these niggas and said, "I'm pulling up."

Because these niggas is trying to take the chocolate out of Chocolate City.

I said, "I gotta go home while it's still the city I remember."

And then I went on Instagram and saw all the protests in D.C.

There was a bunch of white people like, "Not on our streets!"

I said, "Oh, no, it's too late."

These whites are entrenched. "Not on our goddamn streets, you don't."

This nigga Trump was talking like he goes out to dinner.

It's not like that.

Yeah, and I gotta tell you the truth.

This is not the only city this is happening in.

It's happening in California, it's happening in Oregon,

it's happening in Illinois, and it's happening in Memphis.

And-- and niggas in Memphis, they might need it.

You got to be reasonable. I don't know if you've been in Memphis recently,

but them niggas already stole two tanks from the National Guard,

so you already know.

You already know, you know.

And I came here mad, ready to fight, but when I drove through the city,

it looked clean, guys. I got to tell you. I got to tell you, it looked clean.

A lot better than the last time I was here.

Today I only saw one guy take a shit on the street.

But you know what? He had a bag. That nigga picked it up.

I was waiting for somebody to do something about the homeless.

You know what's fucked up about D.C.?

We the nation's capital and nobody even gives a fuck about the homeless.

I'm gonna tell you the truth. I feel like I'm the only one that does.

Now, y'all don't know this, but quietly for the last two years,

I have been secretly working with Washington's homeless,

and I have spent two million dollars already on my homeless project.

No, no, no, don't clap for me.

I didn't give 'em food or anything like that.

I just taught these niggas the "Thriller" dance.

And you got a big treat coming up on Halloween, you'll see.

And I'm sorry I didn't come home sooner, but I've been very busy in Ohio.

And a lot of people say, "What are you doing out there?"

And I don't know if you know this, but this is true.

I'll tell you what I've been doing. The town that I've been living in

for the last 25 years,

I bought most of it.

I like it there.

Ohio loves Trump, but this town I live in is like

a little itty-bitty Bernie Sanders Island in the Trump Sea.

All the whites are poor out there, but these are like

the dirty hippie whites, and I like them.

I like these whites.

And they like me too.

But you know what I learned about liberal white people?

Liberal white people let Black people do whatever fuck they want

until you buy most of their town.

Oh, they frowned on that.

Them whites got real suspicious, but you know what?

I don't blame them.

Because-- No, for real, because look, if I was white

and the people in this town were Black, you know what they'd say?

They would say I was gentrifying the town.

But there's no word for what I'm doing to these people.

I own everything, nigga, everything.

I used to be mad at white people when I was young

because I thought they were unfair.

But now that I have all this property, I understand them. It's fun.

Feels good to walk up to white people like, "Are you supposed to be here?"

"Calling the police." It's fun.

I own so much property in this town, and this is true,

these white people think I'm responsible for their well-being.

That's ridiculous. Nigga, I'm not no public servant.

I'm a capitalist.

I be walking down the street minding my own business,

and they come up to me with their concerns. "Dave!"

"Congratulations on buying the whole goddamn town."

"But you need to start thinking about some affordable housing around here."

And I'll be like, "Well, actually, champ, I can afford my house."

"That sounds like some shit you need to worry about."

"Because if I think about it, I can afford your house too."

"So if you want to sell, come holler at your boy."

"I'm collecting the whole town."

"I'm collecting the whole goddamn town."

You know, I don't know where these poor whites got the money.

But not long ago,

these motherfuckers built a brand-new fire station out of the blue.

Where the fuck they get this money from? I was like, "What the fuck is this?"

And then you know what they did? They-- This is some real racist shit.

They tried to sell the old fire station

at an auction when they knew I was gonna be out of town.

It's fucked up.

But it's far too late for that.

I got that whole town rigged with snitches.

Them niggas couldn't wait to tell me.

They was running up. "My lord, my lord, I have news, my lord!"

I was like, "What's going on?"

"What is this you say? A firehouse?"

Nigga, I bought the firehouse.

I turned that motherfucker into a comedy and music club.

We be rocking in there. Clipse been there. We all be out there rocking.

Every famous person I've ever met, I asked them to play that club.

I seen Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones at a party.

I sat down and said, "Yo, Mick."

I said, "Mick, you gotta come to Ohio and play in my club."

And he was into it.

He was like, "All right."

He said, "All right, I like playing clubs."

He said, "But tell me about the town."

I said, "Well, what do you want to know?"

And that nigga looked at me like-- like, you know, the Mick Jagger look.

He said...

"...Are there girls there?"

I-- I lied right in his face.

I was like, "Yeah."

He knew something was wrong. He's like...

"...No, no, no."

"Come on, Dave. You know, like the kind of girls that I like."

I said, "Mick, I-- I don't know-- I don't--

I don't know what kind of girls you like." Then he said...

"...You know."

"You've heard my music."

"Are there white bitches with dirty feet?"

I said, "Mick, you are going to love this place."

"Mick, these bitches will put a ring around a public pool."

Dirty hippie pussy, that's what I'm dealing with.

I'm not a drug guy at all, right?

But-- But I am in show business, you know what I mean?

So, I've been to every kind of party. Now-- Now, I'm gonna be honest with you,

I smoke weed, but I don't consider weed a drug.

But you know how show business is.

I've been to cocaine parties, I've been to weed parties,

I've been to all the parties, and I'm just telling you the truth

of what I've seen.

Coke bitches are way prettier than weed bitches are.

I be looking at weed bitches like,

"Damn, bitch, did you sleep in those clothes?"

"The fuck's going on with you?"

No energy in the face.

They don't wear their bra all the time so their titties be sagging.

"Get your dick out of my face, man."

That's how a weed girl sounds.

"I'm not gonna suck your cock, man."

"My mouth is dry as a bone."

You ever get some weed head?

Feels gross, doesn't it?

Feels like a cat sucking your dick. Like, what kind of...

How do you not have any moisture in your mouth?

Bitch, go wet your whistle and try again, would you?

Go drink some water.

Yuck.

Yuck.

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