Two and a Half Men

Are you eating cookie dough?

Yup. It's my favorite recipe.

All you need is cookie dough and weed.

So the only thing you have to bake is yourself.

It's very efficient.

It causes the munchies and then immediately cures them.

Hey.

What do you know? They found my car.

You lost your car?

What the hell's your cookie dough laced with?

No, I found this company

and they help you locate old vehicles.

It's called Dude, Where's My Car?

So what's so great about this thing?

I don't know. It's my first car. I got a lot of firsts in it.

First time I learned to drive.

First time I had sex.

First time I had a condom break.

First time I prayed.

So you gonna buy this car?

No. Some guy named Dirk in Denver has it.

So why go through all the effort

of tracking it down if you don't want it?

Nostalgia?

It's kind of like...

looking up your first girlfriend,

or your high school math teacher.

For me, those were one and the same.

She still writes me from prison.

I think my math teacher had a crush on my me, too.

I mean, why else would he ask me to take a shower

after math team practice?

Oh, oh, good, everybody's here.

Uh, I would now like to introduce my girlfriend,

the very fetchin' Gretchen.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, I'm Walden. It's nice

to finally meet you.Yeah.

Alan, uh, told me that you work

in an animal shelter taking in strays.

So we have a lot in common.

Yeah.

Uh, this is my-my niece Jenny.

Hi. Hi.

And we met.

I'm Barry, Walden's youthful ward.

It's really nice to meet all of you.

God, this place is amazing.

How do you afford the rent, Alan?

What's so funny?

Well, I-I don't pay rent, per se.

Or per month.

Or per year.

Really? No rent?

How long has that been going on?

Three years with Walden, eight years with my dad.

You have been living here for 11 years for free?

Yeah.

I have never wanted you more.

Who's my cheap daddy?

Would you like to see the bedroom I don't pay for?

Would you like to see my boobs I bought with a Groupon?

Will you let me get my grope on?

Nice to meet you, Gretchen. Make yourself at home.

I've got to stop saying that.

So, what do you say we hop on your plane,

head over to Denver and at least look at this car?

You know you want to.

You guys just want to go to Colorado

'cause pot is legal there.

What? It's-It's legal?

They legalized marijuana in Colorado?

You say up to three ounces?

Look, we're not going to Denver to look at a car

and bring home three ounces of pot.

Yeah, but if we go with you,

we can bring back nine ounces.

Fire up the jet.

Well, guess who just joined the Mile High Club.

No, it doesn't count when you do it alone.

Oh, it counted... twice.

Up top.

No!

Not gonna happen.

This is crazy.

There's no way my old car is worth the cost

of flying all the way to Denver and putting in a new bathroom.

We can't turn back now.

I canceled an audition for this trip.

You're kidding, right?

The part was Dead Junkie Number Two.

Although, I did buy painkillers to get into character.

It doesn't matter what the role is.

This job leads to the next,

and you're playing Dead Junkie Number One.

And before you know it, you're playing a live junkie!

And then what?

Win a bunch of Oscars,

get rich, fly around on a private plane?

Oh, look, I skipped to the end!

So what kind of car are we going to look at?

You can thank me later for changing the subject.

It's a 1967 Mustang

with a 289 V-8, a Holley four-barrel carb

and Positraction.

What does that mean?

I have no idea. My dad used to say it all the time

when we were working on the car.

I like to think that it

was one of his ways of saying, "I love you."

Another was, "Why is Daddy's beer empty?"

I totally get it.

My dad's coded "I love you" was, "Seriously?

You can't catch a football one damn time?"

So you worked on this with your dad.

Apparently, there's an emotional connection with this car.

It's a mixed emotion.

It took us two years to restore it.

When it was finished, it was cherry.

Of course, Cherry was also the name of the stripper

that he drove off with when he left me and my mom.

Wait-- so why would you want to buy something

that caused you so much pain?

I mean, that'd be like me buying the senior prom.

It was on my 16th birthday.

I go outside the house... and there's that car

sitting in the driveway.

No sign of my dad, though.

It was still the best birthday ever.

Well, until my mom took a baseball bat to the windshield.

You know what my dad got me for my 16th birthday?

A box of condoms and a card that said,

"Don't make the same mistake I did."

He was a joker.

How about you, Jenny?

Oh, she would've nailed Dead Junkie Number Two!

Oh! What a great idea:

having sex in every room in the house.

Well, to be fair, the laundry room was more you

sitting on the dryer while I took a breather.

Yeah. Next time, I think

I'm gonna throw in a pair of snow boots.

You know, boom-boom-boom- boom-boom! Yeah.

One of the advantages of being here alone.

Kind of makes a man want to buy a place of his own.

Nah, I'm gonna die here, I really am.

So, uh, what do you want to do tonight?

You know, besides this guy.

I would love to spend the night doing this guy,

but we promised Lyndsey and Larry we'd meet 'em.

Remember, karaoke?

Oh, that's right.

Oh, hey, hey, maybe we can use

my Halloween costumes from last year.

You know, Donny and Marie?

Although I'm not sure you'd fit into Walden's Donny outfit.

You know, I was thinking tonight would be a great time

to tell Larry that you're not Jeff Strongman,

that you're really Alan Harper.

Oh, that's funny because I was thinking

tonight might be a great night to not ruin four people's lives.

He's my brother, Alan.

I can't just keep lying to him.

I lied to my brother all the time. It worked out great.

Your brother's dead.

I didn't say it worked out great for everybody.

Hey!

Are you Dirk?

Are you a cop?

No. Then I'm Dirk.

I'm Walden Schmidt. I called about the car.

Actually, on the phone, you asked if I was a cop.

And then you asked me if I wanted to buy any weed.

Yeah, that's the right order to ask those questions.

I learned that the hard way.

These your kids?

No.

Are they mine?

Hey, uh, is this the car?

Yeah, let me take her top off for you.

You're about to see one hot car.

Where, behind this piece of crap?

She's not that pretty, but she gets the job done.

Just like my old lady.

Hey, that's not bad.

Yeah, that's a hit!

So is this your car?

Yeah.

It's still got the Vote For Bush bumper sticker on it.

You were a Republican?

No, my friends and I just thought it was funny.

You know, "Bush"?

Tell you what, I love Bush.

You and me both.

She's got a lot of wear and tear on her.

Not much to look at.

Looks like it was rear-ended.

Just like my old lady.

But she's got new headlights and a roomy backseat.

Just like your old lady?