M*A*S*H

You know, we got a big man here.

This guy's a two‐star general.

Eh, take away their skivvies and they all look like PFCs.

Phew.

I knew a brigadier who once had a star tattooed on his chest

in case he bumped into anybody in the shower.

Uh, tell me, Doctor, what was a general

doing on the front lines anyway?

Oh, this one? Uh, he's a fighting general, you know?

In that case, the least we can do is save him.

Mmm, if you insist.

‐Hey. ‐What?

Mm‐hmm.

Oh, boy, very shocky.

Push the plasma.

Gimme 100 m‐milligrams of hydrocortisone

to give IV.

It's empty, Doctor.

What do you mean empty? Get another one.

It's the last one.

What are you talkin' about?

All right, keep pushing the plasma.

Get me, uh‐‐ gimme some O‐negative blood on the double.

Hurry up.

All right, okay, he's out of danger for the time being.

Get Spearchucker to finish him up.

But don't tell him a mere captain saved his life.

He might not pay his bill. Come on.

Yeah, whoever screwed up on those orders,

heh heh, somebody's gonna get it.

Yeah, you wanna know where?

He should be hung up by his thumbs.

No, I'm old fashioned.

I'm all for slipping him a pint of castor oil

and locking him in a closet.

Just who are you talking about?

Whoever it is that ordered the supplies last month.

It just so happens I signed that requisition, McIntyre.

Well, you almost lost us a man

'cause this was empty.

Well‐Well, that's not my fault.

You can't blame me.

I certainly had hydrocortisone on my list somewhere.

Here‐Here‐‐ Here it is.

I heard that.

You have no right to blame Major Houlihan.

That hydrocortisone and half our other supplies

was hijacked before they ever left Seoul.

It's those vicious black marketeers.

Yeah? So where are the MPs?

Yeah, they're supposed to do something

besides direct traffic

and rinse their gloves at night.

The army is aware of its responsibilities.

It so happens a truck just pulled up outside

with our replacement supplies.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, Frank's gotta stop every five minutes

and do a commercial for a friendly American war.

They're insufferable.

Last night I had a dream.

They both broke their jaws

and had to have their mouths wired shut.

Sorry I'm late, but I got stopped by an MP roadblock.

They're checkin' everybody.

The area is crawling with hijackers.

Whoops.

I'll bet you don't know

what kind of wood this is.

‐It's oak. ‐Nope.

It's oak.

Just look at it.

It's 100 years old if it's a day.

Well, this is what a man needs,

far from the security of home:

roots, solidity, strength.

Henry.

Don't do that.

Henry, we're in big trouble.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Hey, how do you like my new desk?

Your new desk?

We just lost 200 vials of hydrocortisone.

Well, what do you want from me?

We want you to call General Hammond down in Seoul

right away, demand some action.

I couldn't do that.

Henry, we have got to have that stuff.

Gimme the Fourth Convalescent in Seoul.

I want to talk to General Hammond.

It's‐‐ if he's not there,

try him at the officers' mess. It's urgent.

I'm well aware of that.

I mean, I am a doctor, too, you know.

Henry, that's your high school diploma.

Well‐Well, don't you recognize my voice yet,

you knucklehead?

This is Colonel Blake.

Hmm.

Off the desk.

Yeah, hello, hello.

Okay, uh‐uh, Colonel Blake?

‐Hmm? ‐Uh, General Hammond.

Well, now there's a coincidence for ya,

him calling me right now.

Hello, General.

What do you want?

Well, you called me, sir.

I called you, huh?

Didn't I tell you to stay away from that homemade stuff?

‐Black market. ‐Off the desk.

Oh, no, sir, I'm sorry.

Uh, now, what I wanted to talk to you about

was the black market.

What did you want to say about it?

Well... it's terrible.

No, what I mean is,

they just knocked off our supplies again.

And could you possibly send us another batch of hydrocortisone?

Now listen, Henry.

I don't give a hoot in hell if you do have somebody

that can bring us Bob Hope for Christmas.

The 4077th got their allotment for the month.

‐Now that's all you get. ‐But, General...

I'm a busy man, Henry.

I've got an important meeting this afternoon

with MacArthur.

Goodbye, sir.

I tried.

That was trying, huh?

Well, we can't bother the general with this sort of thing.

He, uh, has a meeting this afternoon with MacArthur.

Well, we gotta do something and be brilliant.

Listen, if we can't figure out a way

to out‐black‐market the black market,

then we don't deserve the illustrious reputation

we've tried so hard to achieve.

Any luck?

Top pocket.

Charlie Lee?

He's your man.

He's the biggest operator in Seoul.

He has an office behind a bar

that's owned by Madam Koo.

Mm. I signed out a jeep for you.

It's outside.

Make sure nobody steals it down there, huh?

Thanks, Radar.

I'll be back later to pump out your stomach.

(man singing "Chattanooga Choo‐choo" in Japanese)

Hey, listen, we gotta hire somebody to watch the jeep.

I mean, with all this black‐market action,

uh, you know, they're like piranhas.

You got a good thought there.

But you didn't get it fast enough.

They must have worked a pit stop.

I hope they choke on the tires.

‐Mr. Lee? ‐To you, Charlie.

I'm Hawkeye Pierce. This is Trapper McIntyre.

And a terrific surgeon, too.

‐Oh, he's checked us out. ‐Yeah.

You guys got the best rep

in Southeast Asia theater of operations.

Uh, listen, I don't like to bring it up, but, uh...

‐(nervous chuckles) ‐Come on, Charlie. What is it?

Lately, I've been getting a grab right around here.

‐Oh, really? ‐Oh, a little tightness there?

‐Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. ‐Come here. Come on.

Yeah, lean over the, uh, desk.

‐Yeah. ‐Yeah, okay.

‐Right up here? ‐Right up in here. Yeah, right there.

Ooh, does it run down the arm? Hmm.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right, right.

You know what that is? Tension. Pressures.

Yes, yeah.

How's, uh... How's everything at home?

‐Any trouble? ‐Fine. No, no.

‐Business okay? ‐Yeah, yes.

Charlie, you should take, uh, maybe long weekends, huh?

Try some golf.

Yeah, have a little drink before dinner.

‐That'll help? ‐Well, it wouldn't hurt.

‐Hey, I love that sweater. ‐Ooh.

Alpaca.

For Charlie Lee, nothing but the best.

Hey, very nice.

Now, what can I do for you fellas?

Well, I'll make it short and sweet.

There's been a heist.

Two shipments of medical supplies.

There's a lot of call for that.

Well, we don't mind the other stuff,

but they cleaned us out of hydrocortisone,

and that we need, bad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, we made a deal this morning.

The stuff goes for $10,000.

10,000 bucks?

Tell you what. I shouldn't do this.

You meet that offer,