M*A*S*H

I have a weather report from the showers.

Continued cold with intermittent drizzles.

Mmhmm.

Fortunately, after seven hours in O .R., I'm numb anyway.

Let's go over to the "O" Club. I'll buy you a drink.

Can't even lift my elbow. I'm stiff all over.

Did you ever have one of those wars

where everything goes wrong?

Ah. Sometimes you just

start a day out on the wrong foot.

Good God!

You comin' or not?

Was that supposed to be funny?

What? I just fell on my face.

You know the problem? Your boot's nailed to the floor.

You know, I wouldn't mind a joke if it was

if it had some intelligence, but this is stupid.

Yeah? It's dumb.

That's not a joke. It's carpentry.

What would be better? Something with flair,

with imagination, withwithwith

with style, like...

the dribble specimen bottle.

Oh, that's good. You think that up?

Uh, well, no. Actually, that was Trapper.

But that was just one of hundreds of classics we pulled.

You and Trapper were quite the duo, huh?

Yes. Yes, we were.

We inspired each other.

WeWe rose to new heights

of good, clean perversion.

Are you sure this isn't funny?

What is this? What is this stuff?

Spaghetti with mushroom sauce.

I wonder who got the mushroom?

Aw, Pierce. Stop griping. It's not so bad.

Aaah!

Oh, very funny!

I wonder who could have pulled

such a stupid stunt like that.

As if I didn't know, Pierce and Hunnicutt.

Hey, don't look at me, Margaret.

If the word "stupid" is attached to a joke,

there's your idiot.

I'm surprised he didn't try to nail your food to the table.

All right, Hunnicutt. What do you have to say?

I think you oughta cut down on your salt.

Uh.

I must admit. That's quite a joke there, Hunnicutt.

Puts you right up there with 8,000 Shriners.

Now that you mention it, that one does have whiskers on it.

Seems to me, the pranks used to be

more original in the old days.

Ah, the good old days.

You mean like when Trapper was here?

Trapper was a scamp.

Oh, I remember one time.

We had We had wash hung out to dry.

But Trapper stole Colonel Blake's underwear.

Strung his shorts from a kite

and flew them into enemy territory.

Skivvies on the wing. That's rich.

It was a classic.

Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?

He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.

See? What a guy.

You know, I'll bet if old Trapper were here now,

he could pull something on each and every one of you,

and do it within a 24hour period.

Are you proposing a "jokeout"

at the O. K. Corral?

Oh, no, no. I'm just talking about the legendary Trapper.

Anybody who could do that

would certainly be the world's heavyweight scamp.

Aha. When does it start?

Oh, I don't know. Those kinds of things usually start at dawn.

What kind of stakes are you talking about here, funny pants?

Well, if old Trap were doing it

I'm sure he'd want to see everybody he got

do a striptease on a table

while singing, "You're the Tops."

And what if everybody doesn't get gotten?

Then I guess the tables would be turned.

Yeah, well, that would be incredible.

Because I would love to see you singing

"You're the Tops" without your bottoms.

I can understand that, Hawk.

'Cause anybody who'd want to get everybody,

would want to get you worst of all.

Yeah, well, you're not gonna get me.

Who me? Oh, I don't go in for that sort of thing.

What's going on!

This is going on.

Huh?

Someone put it in my bed.

You put a dead snake in his bed?

No, no. It was only dead after I killed it.

Oh, very clever.

It must have taken you months to come up with that one.

You're blaming me? This country's crawling with snakes.

Excuse me. I have to put a snake in the grass.

Go on.

Getting a little nervous, Hawkeye.

Oh, don't flatter yourself. Charles was easy. I'm not.

Hey, guys. Get dressed.

Colonel wants to see you in his tent.

Step lively, Hawk. It's not polite to keep a colonel waiting.

You go first. I want you where I can keep an eye on you.

My, my, aren't we jumpy today?

Hunnicutt, if there is a God,

there will be a time in your life

when you are in dire straits and in desperate need

of a wealthy, influential friend.

When that time comes, I pray that you will turn to me

so that I can laugh in your face.

Great Mother Macree! I think I'm gonna die!

That's Potter. I think it is.

Colonel, are you all right? What's the matter? What happened?

Sir, you're as green as your uniform.

What happened?

I don't know.

There I was, performing my morning toilette.

I began by polishing the pearlies.

But the the toothpaste

tasted real bad.

Soapylike.

Then I started coughing,

and bubbles came out of my nose.

Someone put shaving cream

in the toothpaste tube.

Well, Hunnicutt.

Looks like I've just been initiated into the "gotcha" club.

Ohho. No, sir. I'm not that clever.

Certainly not like Trapper John.

This is ridiculous. Aren't you going a little overboard?

Actually, it wasn't that bad.

Far be it from me to grouse when I get got.

And now that I've been had,

I can enjoy watchin' the next poor sucker squirm.

Yeah. You know, actually, I can too.

Well, if you're counting on me for some entertainment,

you're wasting your time, because I cannot be gotten.

Oh, I know. I know.

Yeah. Well, just keep knowing it.

Colonel, I believe you sent for us.

Right. I just got word that H. Q. has ordered us

to swap an M. D. with the 8063rd for a day.

You know how they like us to keep tabs

on each other's surgical procedures.

Do I see a volunteer?

Yes, I'll go. Sorry, Beej, but duty calls.

Gee, Hawk. I can't let you do that.

You went last time. That's okay. Then you go.

You've been so jittery lately, I'd feel better if I could stick around

That's okay. I don't mind. Really, it's no problem.

Enough already. I'll go.

It will get me out of the line of seltzer fire.

Sold. Well, now that that's settled, let's go eat.

Sabotaging the tube.

You're a crafty one, Hunnicutt.

I'd hate to think what you'd do

to somebody you're really gunning for.

Me too.

Hawk.

Take it easy, will ya? What are you doing here?

I work here. I'm relieving you.

Oh, right. I was expecting you.

Where have you been?

I'm sorry I'm late. You can go on back to the Swamp.

All right, good. Here.

Wait a minute. Why do you want me to go back to the Swamp?

I don't want you to go back to the Swamp. I don't care where you go.

Oh, really? Why were you so pointed about saying

"Why don't you go back to the Swamp"?

It's just a figure of speech.

No, no, no. A figure of speech is like, "shoot the moon"

or, uh, "blind luck." Or, "drop dead."

Yeah. Well, forget it. It's not gonna work.

I'm not going back to the Swamp.

I'm gonna stay here and do some paperwork.

Fine. Stay here and do paperwork.

Why did you say that?

Boy, are you edgy today. You oughta see a doctor.

Hi, pal. How you doin'?

When I can go back to fight, Doctor?

Whoa. What's your hurry?

A North Korean owe you money?

I must protect my country against invaders.

I must do my job. Yeah. And I must do mine.

You're out of the war for another couple days.

Morning, Margaret. Buzz off!

You, Dr. Fink. Over here.

Hi, Margaret. How the heck are you?

You jerk face! You louse mouth!

Oh, you're just saying that.

What's the matter? What did he do now?

I put this on,

and I went to take a shower.

Needless to say, I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time.

I only took a few steps out of doors