Scrubs

Mom, I love that you're proud of me, but I'm not a doctor yet.

You can't keep giving my number out

To women in your church group and saying I'll help them.

I can't. Oh, hey. Tell your mom the cookies she made are ridic!

Yes, that's him.

It means "ridiculous."

No. There's no reason to shorten that word.

Look, I-I gotta go. Bye.

Your mom dsn't like me very much, does she?

No, she's crazy about you. Aw, see you're lying! You're chewing on your hair.

Babe, I can read you like the back of a dase.

A'ight, you chew on your hair when you lie,

You adjust your bra when you're gonna yell at me

And you get a far-off look in your eyes when you narrate

In your head. even though cole and I were clicking--

There it is! Stop noticing things I do!

Even though cole and I were clicking,

There was another couple

That was even more in sync than we were. Queer.

Hey, before you go study, I need your help.

I have a patient who had to pee on a ski lift,

So she pulled her pants down and her butt froze to the seat,

And when she got off, she lost most of the skin on her ass-- what's the question?

Can I laugh at that? That depends. Is she within earshot?

No. Well, it's funny. no butt skin.

I lied. She's right behind you. What?

Ouch.

Well, chapter 14 is down.

Only 400 more pages to go before the test morrow.

I've never had to work this hard in my life.

School's always been easy for me. Not to brag,

But I was my high school and college valedictorian. Me, too.

Me, too. I was on the cover of "time" magazine as a 9 year old

Because I invented a new kind of laser.

Trang, you are so smart.

Babe, you're smothering me.

You can be a big fish at home,

And then you get to med school and everybody's brilliant.

Man, you brainiacs think you have it tough?

My 'rents made me go to med school

Because everyone on my dad's side is a doctor.

Okay, on my mom's side, everyone is a bounty hunter.

I don't know why I couldn't go to school for that.

Everyone in my entire family

Is counting on me to become a doctor.

And just in case I forget that fact,

My mom calls me every eight minutes to check in. I feel the pressure, too.

Not so much from my parents...

Mostly because they think I'm dead.

all right, movin' on.

The nervous system.

Bar codes?

What the hell is this, a supermarket?

That's a human being, for god's sa. Listen, old prospector,

I know that any new machine scares you,

But here's the well-held secret.

Yoknow that box that records your favorite television shows?

There isn't a demon inside of it. Then how does it know what I like?

I miss the good old days,

When doctors and patients actually got to know each other.

You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse

Was just considered polite chitchat.

Yes, the good old days.

Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor,

But could live out his lifelong dream

Of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments.

See? Turkleton gets it.

Happy test day. You know, I'll be there, so don't mess it up.

Crap, I'm already late. Wait. Breakfast.

Strawberry frosting? Nice.

Hey, you got fruit, dairy, enough sugar for a month.

What else you need? Spoon.

Use your fingers, queen elizabeth.

Mmm! Delicious. I'll see you later.

I love you.

Um... What was that? (chuckles)

That just sort of slipped out.

I'm gonna just assume that was the frosting talking,

'cause, you know,

That's something I don't ever want hear.

So would you like to take that back? Yes, please.

Whew.

Hello again.

Yeah, you know what?

I don't want to take it back, 'cause it's the truth.

Since the second I met you,

You've made everything in my life better.

So, ha, yeah.

I love ya.

Perry, I thought we agreed you wouldn't page me during lunch,

And I wouldn't make you do cool hip-hop handshakes. Fine.

Then I owe you a fist bump and a "peace out,"

But in the meantime, I need a surgical consult on a patient

With ulcerative colitis. She is a lesbian.

Hey, babe. You ever thought about being with another chick?

no, cole. Ew!

oh!

I only tell you this

So that I can remain relatively guilt-fre

For when you do inevitably stick one of your size 13 caveman feet

Firmly into your own mouth. I can handle a lesbian.

I'm a professional doctor. Give me what you owe me.

Yeah, yeah... Mm, solid.

Yeah!

All right, then, books down, murderers.

It is time to show off

Your useless regurgitation skills.

Dr. Mahoney will be your proctor. There you go.

Try not to tell the test that you're in love with it.

Sorry, dog. Already called shotgun on the lesbian.

You can't call shotgun on a person. All right, then. Dibs.

Damn it!

Dibs works.

Todd, I'll let you run point on this, but you gotta be cool.

Hi.

I'm dr. Lesbian, I'll be your lesbian.

I got it from here, todd.

I said I've got it from here, todd. Okay.

All right, then, gutter scum! I just found this cheat sheet.

Any of you who left this room during the test stays.

The rest of you, get out!

Out!

Now I-I gotta tell you that I feel pretty confident

That I can maintain a certain level of calm

If the owner of this would simply admit to it.

Anyone?

charles in charge... Go ahead and get that.

hi, mom.

No, the test isn't over, so I don't know my grade yet.

I'm so sorry.

It--it's really hard to get her off the phone.

I get that. My mom's the same way. Let me see.

(cell phone whooshes and crashes)

That works.

I can't do this all on my own

Just outside this hall,

So either we have a matt damon-type custodian

With an extensive knowledge of the central nervous system,

Or one of you cheated. And since just last week,

I saw one of our fine janitors eat a piece of chalk,

I'm guessing the latter. He's the deal--

You're all going to be locked in this room

Till one of you comes forward and takes responsibility.

I hope you all think long and hard about what you've done. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Butch, this happened on your watch.

You're not going anywhere. Would it make any difference

If I told you I have a personal issue

That makes staying in here really horrible for me?

It would make me quite a bit happier. Ha!

Beth, this is dr. Turk. How you doing?

She must be your lady friend, huh?

your lover.

I don't even know why I whispered that.

I just don't know what you guys call each other nowadays.

What is it? Are you uncomfortable around lesbians?

What?! Me? Nah.

Uh, nicole, I'm gonna run a series of tests on you,

But it would help me out a lot if you could tell me

What type of stomach pain you were having. It's not that bad, really.

The truth is, beth wanted me to get checked out.

We're going on vacation next week to ibiza

With a bunch ofur girlfriends,

And all we do is dance, drink...

And, uh...

Swim.

Are--are--are you okay, dr. Turk?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I was just thinking about my family vacation to ohio.

Yeah, we, uh...

We visited two science centers and it was--it was a lot of fun.

My daughter got scared, though,

So we had to spend most of the time in the car.

It was pretty awesome.

28... 29... 30!

Damn, trang!

You are impervious to pain!

Pay up, bitch! Dr. Cox has to let us out eventually.

I mean, he can't keep us here forever.

Can he?

Shea butter and big floppy sun hats.

Oh, and I made a deal with a witch.

How come witches never offer me a deal?

I'm approachable.

Drew, come on. Just admit you cheated.

It's okay. You didn't have time to study.

You were out in a meadow

Pressing wildflowers and writing love sonnets.

Yes, me telling you I love you makes me a 19th-century dandy.

Hey, maya. You and trang both left during the test.

Wherwere you? Guys, we all left at some point.

She's right. We have to stop turning on each other.

Especially since it's so obvious that cole's the one who cheated.

I'm sure cole has some great explanation.

Cole, what were you doing in the bathroom? Doing my test prep.

Okay, part one--dropping a "d."

Part two-- using the mnemonic skills

I picked up at a.D.D. Camp.

Okay, I remember the circulatory system by nging nickelback.

this is how I remind me

of blood cells and their jobs