Another Period

Previously on "Another Period"...

All I want in this world is for my little baby Murray

to have a good life. I will do anything,

so I switched my baby with one of the Bellacourt babies.

I love you.

What a productive day of porcelain shopping.

From now on, I'm only eating out of soup bowls... or cake stands.

All food must be high up or low down.

My dolls are gonna shit when they see this new tea set I got.

Beatrice, look.

This is the third driver this week

who's been glued to his kaleidoscope.

It's very unsafe.

Look! There's another one!

- Oh, Mother, it was a real brush with death.

My finger got scraped. I'm disfigured.

Now I know why war veterans are always whining.

It's just a scratch, dear.

Don't listen to her, Beatrice.

We will beat this.

What's the point in being rich

when bad things can still happen to you?

You should be thankful, girls.

At least I'm not visiting you at Shady Acres.

Shady Acres.

I wouldn't be caught dead being dead there.

Well, dear, didn't you know?

All the Bellacourts are buried at Shady Acres.

Shady Acres? They might as well

feed my dead body to a bulldog

and have him shit in a grave.

Mother, I will never be buried at Shady Acres.

I'm going to be buried at Chevrolet...

like all the other important people I hate.

Why are you talking about burying us?

Wait a minute.

We're not going to the beach, are we?

Beatrice, we could've died today.

What? Well, I'm not going to die.

Why is everyone looking at me like I'm going to die?

What?

That's a conversation I probably should've had with her.

Stop making that face! It's unattractive.

I hate when things are ugly.

If I'm not here, who's going to see things?

Huh, look at that... apparently both the driver

and the cyclists were on their kaleidoscopes.

I swear, it's like everyone's become a damn zombie

since those magical tubes of light came out, huh?

- Uh-huh. - Put that infernal thing down!

- Are you even listening to me? - I can do two things at once.

I'm going to look out the window real fast... oh, my...

Victor!

This is not good. I am not happy with this.

We are on opposite pages!

What do you suggest we should do?

I don't know. Something.

Something that'll bring us together, you know?

- You know? - No, I am not having

the baby discussion again.

Listen to me!

If you think that I'm going to procreate with a woman,

then you're crazier than being a homosexual makes you.

Come on, Vickie.

Everyone knows the best way to save a doomed relationship

is to have a child.

Let's just try it one day.

And I know where there's a place

where we can borrow a child.

Blue, yellow, green, blue...

- - Ow! Oh, my God!

Okay, Freddy, here's your speech about jobs

for the Dodo Bird Hunters Union.

Don't worry. It's in pictures, not words.

I don't want to make a speech...

although that is a very nice drawing of a horse.

You don't want to? I'm so sorry.

Do you think it's easy to get elected?

It's not. It takes years of experience,

lawmaking, and giving speeches.

Idiots don't get to be president.

Now, you're gonna go out there,

read them these pictures,

and prove that you can run the free world.

Sorry, Mom.

Jobs.

Have you ever met anyone with one of those?

Um, yes.

You have?

What is it exactly? A job?

Well, it's how people get money.

But why would they need money?

Well, if one were to buy something,

they would need money to do so.

For example, the Bellacourts pay me for my services.

This is a job? I thought this was your dream.

D-dreams don't buy gruel.

Only the finest silks for you, Baby Murray.

I mean Kermit.

Kermit. Your name is Kermit.

And you are a wealthy boy now.

Ooh, would you like a bottle...

Of, I don't know, how about some (BLEEP) caviar?

Yes.

Ah, there he is.

Oh, wonderful.

Now, let's snatch the little bugger.

No, this is Baby Kermit. So...

- it's just baby Kermit. - I don't have time

for one of your hysterical blatherings.

I need a child, apparently, in my life.

- So let me grab him. - No!

- What are you... - No!

Blanche, don't tell me what I cannot grab, all right?

I'm going to grab that child and take it for our own.

Do you grab it by the ears like it's a rabbit or...

- I don't know. - Oh, no, you really can't.

I'm going to take it. Thank you. Give it. Let go.

Let go of it.

- You know... -

You can't because he has an equestrian lesson at 3:00.

Blanche, he's our former half-brother-in-law.

We can take him if we want to.

- - Victor! Come on.

Oh, oh! Oh, gosh. I probably shouldn't be scoping, right?

These are the kind of mistakes we're gonna make.

So many mistakes.

- Yes. - That's the good thing.

- - All right, let's...

You're upsetting the child, so let's get out of here.

- Yeah, you're a bad nurse. - Oh, he's crying!

Now, do I want a classic grave

or one of those tiny marble houses?

Ooh, I could see myself

in a little Taj Mahal but less ethnic.

I can't predict if Indians are still going to be trendy

in 100 years.

Beatrice, look!

I can get pink satin in my casket.

Ooh, and a monogrammed pillow.

Beatrice, help me pick my death pose.

Do you think this is too old-fashioned?

Ooh, maybe arms by my side. That's more modern.

Ooh, or maybe something like...

What does it matter?

Worms are gonna eat you either way.

May I help you?

Oh.

Uh... hi.

Yes, we'll take two of your finest plots...

preferably in an area that can accommodate a crowd.

Wonderful. Well, that should save me

the time of going through

this extremely extensive waiting list.

Well, please.

I'm sure there's something we can do.

It's very important that I'm buried here.

Oh, it's very important? Well, why didn't you say so?

In that case, all you need to do is travel backwards in time

and get your great-great-great-grandparents

to have better families and improve their bloodlines...

that is, if they can even speak English.

We don't know how to travel backwards in time.

You should tell that to your dresses.

That might hurt our feelings if anything you said mattered,

but we're all just animals on a cold, unfeeling rock,

hurtling our way toward the inevitable godless abyss.

So...

it doesn't.

Fine. They're still old dresses.

Please, you don't understand.

Oh, no, child. I do.

I do. I simply don't care.

Anyway, there's nothing to be done.

The cemetery is completely booked.

We're only accepting legacies now.

Oh, uh, so legacies are guaranteed admission?

Yes. How else do you think we ended up

with a mulatto district?

- - Now, if you'll excuse me,

my 4:00 is here.

Mr. Needham, welcome.

I see you've brought your parents.