M*A*S*H

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

‐Suture. ‐Suture.

‐Scissors. ‐Scissors.

Can't you work any faster, Frank?

Haste makes waste.

Never at a loss for a cliché, are we?

Is everything all right here?

Yeah, it will be as soon as Frank stops

sewing his fingers together.

You missed a fragment!

Well, why didn't you give me suction so I could see it?

You didn't ask for any, doctor.

You're useless!

Help around here's impossible!

Why don't you find yourself another war, Frank?

‐Forceps. ‐Forceps.

There's your fragment!

I don't ever want her at my table again.

She's an incompetent bungler!

And you got that from an expert on the subject.

I can think of better ways to spend a morning.

Back home I could be giving

some nice blue‐haired lady a hysterectomy.

How about selling married couples his‐and‐her‐terectomies?

Oh, you're punchy.

The natural result of pulling bits of hardware

out of teenage bellies.

This place is driving me out of my already demented mind.

My head is getting wall‐to‐wall crazy.

Would you like a drink?

Is gas inflammable?

Hey! Ginger! Ginger!

Did you know Frank Bums was stolen by Gypsies as a little boy?

No.

Police found him, brought him back to his parents.

They refused delivery.

So then the police brought him back to the Gypsies,

but they didn't want him either.

So then the cops brought him to the woods

hoping the bears would raise him.

After one day with Frank, the bears attacked the Gypsies.

Thanks, Hawkeye.

It's about time for Frank to be taking

his post‐surgery nap now, isn't it?

Henry, that tooth's really bad.

Here, hold this back with your tongue.

Uh‐huh.

This is it! Colonel, this is it!

I know I've asked for a transfer before,

but this time I mean it! I want out!

Ow!

Uh, Frank, will you just calm down?

What‐What's happened to your hook‐‐ Uh, your hand?

McIntyre and Pierce, that's what happened.

And for the last time!

I don't care which MASH unit you send me to,

I want a transfer, and I want it now!

Look, I can't transfer you

with your arm looking like that.

There's nothing wrong with my arm!

And you're not gonna change my mind.

I've had those two up to here!

You better cut that thing off

before you hurt yourself.

You have no idea what it's been like

living with those two perverts!

Oh, they're not really so...

They're not?

I take my life in my hands every time I go to bed.

I woke up one morning and found they'd given me

"The Princess and the Pea" treatment!

"The Princess and the Pea"?

They nailed five cots on top of each other.

I was sleeping 12 feet off the floor!

It's a good thing you don't walk in your sleep.

I don't think it's funny at all.

Uh... of course not.

Nor is it humorous to wake up with hamburger stuffed in your ears.

Hamburger stuffed in your ears?

Do you know what it's like being awakened by a wet nose?

Frank, just leave my married life out of this.

Doctor, watch it before I swallow your watch.

Sorry, sir.

Look, Frank, you bring a lot of this on yourself.

Oh, really?

Well, I certainly didn't bring last night on myself.

Last night?

It's not too hot, is it?

We don't wanna wake him up.

Just right.

You sure this is gonna work?

As sure as Niagara Falls.

Oh...

This is terrible. I...

Oh! You guys!

Okay, Frank. You'll get your transfer.

Thank you.

You know‐‐ You know, Frank?

As‐as rough as it's been sometimes,

I think I'll miss you.

Well, it might not have come to this

if you'd had the backbone to maintain

some discipline around here.

Well, so much for missing you.

This can't be Death Valley Scotty, can it?

No, that's one of those guys that lets you

sit on his pony while he takes your picture.

If you're looking for the Gold Rush,

you take a left turn, and go down the road about 100 years.

Okay, okay, you guys.

What if I told you that there's real gold out there?

Come out of the sun, Radar.

Your brain is getting a tan.

I'm not kidding. I looked it up.

It just so happens Korea's the fifth largest

gold producer in the world.

And the first largest producer of Koreans.

Take a look at these.

I found 'em down by the creek.

McINTYRE: It's not real gold, Radar.

What you got there is pyrite.

And if you're smart, you'll see your dentist right away.

I'm telling you, that's gold.

Frank? Flowers?

I asked for light chocolates.

I'm allergic to flowers.

‐They're not for you. ‐Hot Lips?

I'm allergic to her, too.

What a relief it is to know that after tomorrow

I'll never have to listen to you two again.

Having your ears removed, Frank?

Colonel Blake has okayed my transfer.

You're serious, Frank. You're leaving.

Abso‐tively!

Gee, Frank, this place won't seem the same without you.

It'll be terrific!

Now, this has to be the farewell scene of all time.

‐Margaret? ‐Frank!

Oh, did you cut your head again?

Yes, I cut my head again.

For you.

Oh, how sweet!

Long‐stemmed... stems?

Well, they were chrysanthemums

before Pierce and McIntyre got at 'em!

Why would they destroy your flowers?

Well, why would they put cream cheese in my house slippers?

Do I know?

They're crazy!

It takes a certain kind of man

not to crack under combat.

And we all know what kind of a man that is, don't we?

I talked to the cook.

He's bringing some pork chops here tonight.

The kind you like...

with extra fat.

Margaret, I have something very painful to tell you.

You can't come to dinner tonight?

I've put in for a transfer.

‐A transfer? ‐But we can still make dinner.

‐It's not till tomorrow. ‐But, Frank, why?

Have I done something to displease you?

Oh, no, Margaret. No, no!

Is it something I haven't done?

Tell me and I'll do it.

Or if it's something I've done, I'll undo it.

Darling, it's nothing you've done, or did.

It's just that every man has a breaking point,

and Pierce and McIntyre have broken mine.

But last night you said you loved me.

Oh, I do, Margaret.

Frank, you're crushing my mums.

I don't mean to hurt you.

It's the last thing in the world I'd want to do.

Margaret: And yet you're leaving me.

Oh, it's not forever, Margaret.

There'll be other wars.

I'll be devastated without you.

You know that.

I'll write you... everyday, faithfully.

You promise?

Frank: Just like I do my wife.

Margaret, we're both mature, grown‐up adults.

We...

Margaret, what're you doing?

Put that down! It's government property.

It's chilly out there. How 'bout a drink?

If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.

Double or a triple?

How about the first quintuple martini in medical history?

How about you, Frank? One for the road?

I make it a point never to drink with strangers,

and as of right now,

I don't know either one of you.

Oh, it's chilly in here, too.

Make Frank a Shirley Temple. And put it on my tab.

You're nothing but common drunks.

That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.

Laugh now,

but when this war is over I'll go back