Fully Realized Humans

Okay, roll up like a ball.

- Yeah. - This feels super comfortable.

Make space for the baby.

Oh, it's heavy.

You wanna really remember that the baby

is coming out of your vagina and not your face.

Like, imagine you're sitting on the toilet

and you're taking a big poop.

You're face is usually like...

You might be making some tension,

but you're really focusing in down on your bottom.

- Mhm, yeah. - Right?

Next time you pee, just notice what you're doing

with your face.

Is this my pee face?

So, clue me in.

Tell me a little bit about how you're feeling.

Like, how's everything going?

How's it all?

I think pretty good.

Um.

I'm hormonal.

- Mhm. - I do feel like...

Do you have something to say?

We... we had kind of a Defcon 3 meltdown

in Target the other day.

- It was about car seats. - Yeah.

We read all this stuff online,

all the safety things, all the recommendations,

and...

and I had a friend say,

"You know, this one's great 'cause it's the lightest one."

The Chicco that goes...

- Yeah. - That's, yeah, interchangeable.

- Yeah. - But, once we get there,

I saw it was also the cheapest one,

and then that made me so uncomfortable,

'cause then I didn't trust it, and then I, like...

I felt like a shitty mom for going to buy

the cheapest car seat 'cause it was the lightest one,

and it was the one that was recommended to me,

but it wasn't the highest rated one.

Hm.

I, like, totally lost it.

We didn't wind up with that car seat.

- Okay. - Um.

And... and we've never done this before,

so we don't know what... what the right thing to do is.

We don't know what the right way to go is.

But, I mean, I know that my tendency

is to... you know, I get anxious about this stuff,

- and... - Yeah.

And then, I try to mitigate my anxiousness

- with control, and... - And when he gets,

like, high tense and controlling about stuff,

then I start to just take care of him,

and I totally throw myself out the window...

Right, she's trying to take care of me,

and controlling the situation, which... which pisses me off,

because we just keep triggering each other, and...

Like, we've always, you know, kinda sometimes

we just get into a cycle of, like,

- Caretaking, controlling... - Caretaking, controlling.

But, I would say it's like

- mm, mm, mm, because of that. - It's on steroids.

So, why don't you just take a deep breath?

Okay.

Now, close your eyes for a second,

both of you,

and I want you to think about is,

what do you need most from each other

to get through the rest of this pregnancy?

And how can you best show up for each other

and make sure that those needs get met?

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Bye. - Bye.

Okay.

Oh, don't forget, oxytocin.

At least one orgasm a day, okay?

One orgasm every day.

- Just one. - For both of us?

- More her, you... - It's my oxytocin.

- It's hers. - It's my oxytocin, too.

- One. - Bye.

Bye.

- These kinda go together. - I like this one.

His and her?

These are for us to wear, right?

Yeah.

You don't have to watch us open,

especially if you got us a shitty gift,

but if you want to,

we're gonna be determining which ones of you

are our close friends, and which ones of you

are expendable, so.

- Ohh. - Ohh.

- Oh, my God, it's the Chicco! - Oh, man.

- That's cool. - Oh, my God, it's a car seat.

It's a good one, it's light, it's not too heavy,

so you can pop it out, and I'll teach you

a little trick for how to, like, loop your arm under,

- and it makes it easier to... - It's a huge gift.

- Kids do well with it, and... - So, yeah, and the breastfeed,

it, like, really hurts for a long time.

Oh, my gosh, she talked about the latch-on like it was so hard

for new Rudi be able to latch on,

and she just, like, "Near, near near,"

like a little gremlin, just biting and trying to,

like, suck you dry of every little ounce of life

- in your soul. - The only part of it

that is cute is, like, your friend who, like,

posts a beautiful photo of her breastfeeding on social media.

It's like, "Uh-huh, okay."

- Nature at its best. - I've got, like, the cracked,

bleeding nipples, and you're just like,

"Fuck you."

It's cute, it's cute.

Well, that's the thing, and I feel like women,

and correct me if I'm... if I'm speaking out of turn,

but I feel like women do other women a real disservice

when they talk about their birth experience,

like, "Oh, my God, it was so wonderful."

I think that that's a really messed up thing to do

to somebody who's about to go into childbirth,

'cause you should prepared that it's gonna be

the worst thing ever.

It is, sometimes it just tears all the way down.

But, that's just the beginning,

and that's gonna be, like, one to two days tops of...

of your life, and then it really... begins

- to like... - Do you guys have a method

- that, like, you're in? - Your, um, parenting method.

So, we've been doing, um... been doing these RIE classes.

- Uh-oh. - Which are pretty cool.

- Yeah. - Read the Janet Lansbury books,

- which are fantastic. - And Babywise.

- Babywise. - To get around

our sleep schedules, so like, we know when

her cry phase will be, and...

I think picking and choosing

different pieces from different books

is totally fine, that's great.

But, you have to decide, like,

"Are we gonna have a family bed?"

Like, is she gonna sleep with you guys.

- That's what we did. - We did not do that.

We had her sleeping with us until she was, like, 5?

- Yeah, about 5 years old. - Were you guys just

afraid of, like, crib death, is that why you...?

- Yeah, that was... - Well, that was one of

the big things, of course, it's crib death.

We wanted to keep her close to us.

But, I mean, she is a girl, so I mean,

it's not that high crib deaths for... for girls baby...

You keep saying "crib death" like that's a thing to...

- It's... it's a thing. - Well, yeah, it is.

It's... for a while it's hell, so just be prepared

- that it's gonna be... - You don't get a lot of sleep

- at all. - As soon as they're born,

you will no longer do anything that you enjoy, because...

Your baby dictates who you will become.

You don't get to be yourselves anymore,

'cause you're so tired, and so focused

on making sure that you're not ruining this kid's life,

and you're trying to make sure that you're doing it

in a healthy way, in a productive way,

in a happy way.

You're not gonna repeat your parents' mistakes,

you're not gonna do the wrong things,

- and you do. - Yep.

- You just do. - Watching my parents

deteriorate in front of my eyes as a child,

and not really understand what it was,

I feel like you can see them shrinking from

- who they wanted to be. - You're basically

- getting thrown into war. - You don't have time

for yourself, you just don't, like...

My mother didn't wanna become her mother.

Her mother didn't wanna become her mother.

- My sister didn't wanna become... - And you see it, you know it,

you hate it,

- but you can't stop... - My dad had his money in order,

had, you know, a record collection,

all this cool stuff.

He had a car that he really liked,

he cared about his fucking car, and then at a certain point,

everything was annihilated.

I saw that happen, I saw a man

deteriorate in front of my eyes as a teenager.

I... it was a nightmare.

I can't... I couldn't do it.

But, you guys are gonna kill it, I...

Yeah.

Babe, babe, can you...

can you please tell me what's...?

Jackie.

Can you... can you just stop for a second?

Babe,

can you look at me and talk to me, please?

Babe.