Kitty Mammas

Oh, sorry, I'm looking in the wrong spot.

I keep getting confused whether I...

I'd look there or that your... I'll look at your eyes. Okay.

Sorry, uh, the... The trial, yes... Um...

I'll admit that the feasibility of gestating kittens

in a human womb wasn't my first choice, but...

It makes people happy and...

that's the most important thing.

And well...

- needs must. When the devil drives.

What?

Needs must when the devil drives.

- That's the rest of the saying. -

Who is your devil, Dr. Han?

Well, I wouldn't say there's a devil per se.

What would you be studying if you had the choice?

Oh, human infertility solutions.

That's what I specialized in before.

Before the trial.

What prompted you to change your...

I'm sorry, am I interrupting?

She told me I could just come in.

Will?

Uh, no. Yes, come in.

Uh, it's fine. It's...

- You look well. I, uh...

Thank you.

I'm glad after everything...

I mean, I'm just glad you landed on your feet.

Thanks. Um...

So, uh, what brings you here?

A colleague showed me the ad you published about the trial.

I'm here to apply.

Oh, I'm sorry, Theresa.

I know you like animals,

but I'm afraid we already have our participants lined up.

Well, I don't wanna be in the trial,

I wanna help you run it.

You're gestating animals, right?

You're gonna need someone with veterinary experience.

Uh, Dr. Theresa MacKenzie...

- not Blackburn? - No,

- I went back to my maiden name. Oh.

Ugh, I'm sorry, Theresa.

I really appreciate you coming out, but...

I'm afraid that it wouldn't be appropriate.

I know we have a history,

and some of it is not optimal,

but well, I just wanted to see you,

you know, and I tried calling you,

but you wouldn't pick up.

And this is the only path you left open.

I really missed you too.

Well, it's just...

We already have a vet tech on staff.

Oh!

I really am very sorry.

It's okay. I can see myself out.

My apologies, ladies.

I'm Dr. William Han.

I will be facilitating this trial.

Has everyone had a chance to... find the coffee?

Oh, yeah. Got two cups.

Is it normal to have shaking hands at this point?

Oh, okay. Someone just cut me off.

- Please take that away. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Well, let's get down to business.

Has everyone had a chance to read over the contract?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Basically, the agreement is you four will be participating

in a three month medical trial, during which time

you will be impregnated with a cat fetus

and carry it to term.

Once you've given birth,

you'll be paid $20,000.

And if everything checks out,

be able to keep the kitten.

Does anyone have any concerns they'd like to bring up?

Yes. Mrs. LaPointe.

Since we're only carrying one fetus,

are we gonna show much?

No. The average weight of a newborn kitten is about 100 grams.

- That's about the size of a bar of soap. - Awesome.

Why did I want to take part in the trial?

Well, my husband and I talked about having another kid

but a cat just seemed easier.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I do.

But they are a lot.

Amen, sister. Roll up your sleeve.

Like Tom and I work from home, and that's great

in terms of not having to pay for childcare,

but it's just not so great in terms of,

they just seem to get in every space that they're in.

Just wait until they're 28, and they don't leave the basement.

Little poke.

Anyway, um,

I just thought it would be nice for the boys to have a pet

to play with, you know. Teach them some responsibility,

and keep them entertained and,

keep them out of our hair.

Oh, and also, we get to go to Disneyland with the money.

Just like we always wanted.

20,000, you might be able to stay there for the whole day.

However, your uterus is a little bit bigger than a cat.

So, there's a possibility the kitten might grow bigger.

But to the untrained eye, you will not be visibly pregnant.

That's great, because in subsection A,

in paragraph four, it does say we're to keep our condition

a secret, except for the adult members of our households

who are willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement

on pain of forfeiting the entire stipend for the trial.

That's correct, Ms. Castellano.

And did you know that one in 18 Canadian hospital patients,

experience harm from preventable errors

due to the medical staff?

Amateurs.

You really try, you can get it up to one in five.

Okay. I'm gonna need you to put down the syringe

because I consented to blood draws today. Not an injection.

Fine. Spoilsport.

All right kid. Give me your arm.

Anyway. Sorry. Where was I?

Oh, why am I doing the trial?

- Money. - Yes!

Finally A woman after my own heart.

Oh, I'm trying to retire on a nurse's salary

and I've got a failure to launch whose butt is permanently

glued onto my basement couch.

- What about you? - Law school.

Why don't you just leech off your parents?

All the cool kids are doing it.

Oh, Dad's dead and mom, let's just say she...

Is not keen on having a lawyer in the family.

What, is she from Bizarro World?

Just wait. You'll see.

Oh wait! We can't tell anybody?

I tell everybody everything. That's like my job.

Can you explain to the old guy how a vlog works?

- Miss Prescott? - Rose. Thank you.

I'm not like some spinster aunt or anything.

Well, okay, maybe I'm heading in that direction.

Rose, I can assure you that 46 is

plenty young enough to be familiar with YouTube.

And I'm aware that you make your career online.

Now I'm not asking you to keep it a secret forever.

Just until the trial is over.

You should feel free to record your impressions for later posts

but I'm gonna have to ask all of you for complete confidentiality

so that we don't skew the results of the trial.

Um, if this is supposed to be such a big secret,

why is there a TV crew?

Why did I want to do the trial? It's a good question.

My fiancee loves cats, but

if I'm being honest, it's partly a way to appease my mom a little bit.

She wants me to have human kids,

not cats. But...

This is a much as Jennifer and I are willing to compromise.

I'm sure she'll be thrilled.

Or the reason is that it be nice to have $20,000.

Our wedding's in six months,

and damn, that stuff is not cheap.

Even with Jennifer's company doing the catering at cost,

yikes!

And my mom is really religious.

So she wants the full spread, the church, the dinner reception

in the works and our family is huge.

Look on the bright side.

If you're super religious mother finds out you let a doctor

turkey baste a kitten into your womb,

you'll probably have a few less mouths to feed at your shindig.

FTV, the Feline Television Network.

Oh, my God. FTV.

One moment, please.

Rose Prescott. Professional cat lady.

The reason I'm doing the trial is,

Mr. Poof and I, he's my cat.

We've been thinking about adding another full time

member to our family for a while now.

And this is just a great opportunity to have

one who's like, really ours, you know?

I mean, Mr. Poof, he donated his genetic material,

so it's just gonna be so special to have our own little kitten.

Wait, so, you are literally having your own cat's baby?

Yeah. I mean, he's like my life.

Anyways, we're also hoping to expand

our fostering operation in...

into a full-blown adoption center.

And with the $20,000 and...

whatever donations we get from the publicity of the trial,

uh, we should be able to do that.

Then you could become a crazy cat lady for real.

Damn straight.

And only then can you call me Ms. Prescott.

FTV, the feline television network,

has graciously agreed to partially fund

this trial in exchange for exclusive documentary rights.

But due to editing and processing time,

the documentary won't be released until several months

after the trial,