You Me Her

She wasn't my first girl or my second.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Listen to me, do not say the "L" word to him.

- I almost got married when I was 18. - What happened?

He told me that he should probably go

to this Brown University place.

Honestly, this Lori person sounds like a real cunt.

She he has threatened to send out a blanket e-mail

to all of the Hamilton parents.

We're just going to delay the announcement of your promotion

a couple of weeks.

I'm making a silent vow to never ever end up like you.

Oh, dear God. I made that.

Jack. This just got weird.

So, whatever happened

to that skinny, Nordic-looking chick

you start dating immediately... after...

After you dumped me? I married her.

Ruby. Sure. I'll be right there.

I was never here.

Okay, don't leave my tab open.

I left his tab open.

My man.

How would you feel about helping kids

- get to the other side of 21? - Like a wellness center.

She didn't seem like an ex.

She seemed like the ex.

It feels fragile. The three of us.

You guys have been third-wheeling the shit out of me!

You've decided that I'm not fluid, I'm a lesbian?

Okay, well, fuck you for making massive life decisions

completely on your own that affect both of us.

Well then, fuck you both

for chasing me down half-cocked, you matching set of dumbshits!

Ok, what are we supposed to do about the elephant?

You know, we may have slapped a coat of paint on it

so it'd blend in with the walls, but I can still see it.

You know why? 'Cause it's a big painted elephant

standing in our fucking bedroom.

So, this elephant in the room, what does it...

- well, what does it represent? - Imbalance.

It represents imbalance. I know that.

He has this absurd notion we're third-wheeling him.

That he's our penis bridge

to a more traditional lesbian relationship.

I don't know, I mean,

imagine I had a phase in my life where I was just like...

you know, swimming in dicks.

That's something I would probably tell my wife about,

okay? But not her.

Apparently, three of her past five relationships

have been with women.

I didn't know about it. Might have been nice to

- drop me a hint. - Mm-hmm.

So, Jack has now officially proclaimed me a homosexual.

Okay. This whole thing started

when Ding and Dong here raced to the airport to stop me

from going home to Colorado but just

forgot to discuss what they'd do when they got me back.

And don't even get me started

- on the pumpkin spice fucking candles. - What?

I thought you liked those.

- What's wrong with them? - You don't like the candles or the...

- the pumpkin spice flavor? - They're very seasonal.

- We love them. - So...

so would you say that perhaps the can...

The candles are a metaphor?

Yes, for our, uh...

our conventional 30-to-40-something suburban life?

- Is that it? - I don't know.

Maybe, or they may just be gross.

'Cause honestly, once you get it into your head,

once you make the connection, you can't stop thinking

that they smell like human feces, so...

_

Morning.

Hey, 'sup?

Uh, I was... I was just gonna have some cereal.

You know just like... you know, reg cereal. Um,

it's not a big deal. Do you want some?

Whatever, I don't care.

You're busy, so... bye.

- Uh, and I'll see you later. - What, uh...

- just see what's behind door number 1. - Whoa.

Uh, that was a weird thing to say.

Is that a game-show reference?

I don't really get it 'cause I'm not 60.

You need to stop that.

Stop what?

That whole, "I see you, Nina Martone" thing. I get it,

fellow doctoral candidate.

We can read each other's shit.

You sure about that?

What's my shit?

Uh, pretending that you don't have any shit,

- which means you're super fucked up. - Wow.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Parents are happily married.

Great family.

Still got to Blazers games with my Pops.

Pops? Oh, God.

It's even worse than I thought. It's...

you're just... you're chronically happy,

which means you're unacceptably dull.

- Yeah? - Yeah, sorry.

That didn't seem to be your diagnosis last night.

- Mm? - Mm-hmm.

I'm not running away to Brown University.

Izzy tell you that?

Um...

Oh, my God.

You're still hanging out with Izzy.

You guys are still fucking. I really am rebound girl.

No, Nina.

No, not at all. Look,

we ran into each other on campus.

We had a cup of coffee so that I could download

the Nina Martone user's manual.

And then she threatened to wear my balls as earrings

- if I ever hurt you. - That's even worse than fucking her.

No, it's not.

Okay. Hyperbolic...

obviously not worse than fucking her, but I...

Why would she tell you that? She's the only person in the entire world...

Well, maybe because

I told her I'm falling for you.

Nina.

I have to get to class.

Hey, babe! Nina!

You're still in your jams.

And you didn't take your purse or anything else.

I didn't really have to get to class.

No shit. Seriously?

I kind of panicked there for a second.

No shit.

It's, uh... it's kind of like a lumberjack type of thing.

I guess we could microwave and share it.

I would like that.

I feel like I'm on the outside

of this mundane suburban ritual looking in.

You know?

What do you think that means?

It means we're taking out the trash.

Therapy has its perils.

Hey.

- Hey. - About time.

- You good? - Yeah.

Hi.

Glad you can still walk.

Thank you.

So girls can't drink beer?

Is that how it works around here?

Yeah, we have a strict, uh, no beer for girls policy

here in the land where time stood still.

No cursing either.

You sure you want to live in this backwards fucking hellhole?

Is it second Friday already?

Oh, it's guys' night.

So there's a guys' night but not a girls' night.

- Um, actually, there is... tonight. - Oh.

Can you, uh, like, possibly dial down

the righteous indignation to like a 9?

Sorry. Apparently, therapy makes me salty.

Oh, boy.

- What? - No, you just...

Therapy?

Freak train's already running off the rails?

- Really gonna miss you, Izzy. - Guys, come on.

It's just a check-up. You know, proactive

relationship maintenance.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We'll talk about it tonight.

Yeah, we will.

Oh, right, yeah. That's awesome.

And hope you like Chardonnay.

I've actually never had it

'cause I'm not a desperate housewife of anywhere.

But I'm gonna invite my friend Nina

because I live here now.

Across the street.

Okay. Glad that all got worked out.

- See you in 10 minutes? - Yeah, definitely.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, no, totally.

- We can just... - Em? Carm?

Do you have a sec?

Oh, sh... should I go sit on the curb

- while the adults talk or... ? - No, no, you too.

Whatever your real name is.

Okay, make it quick 'cause I'm having some kind of allergic reaction.

Yeah, like, uh, like your skin's crawling?

I see you're not gonna make this easy for me.

Well, let's see, Lori. Because of you,

I got kicked off of the theater project

built on my blood, sweat, and tears,

and now I hate going to work. But, uh,

yeah, sure.

Let's make this easy for you.

I wanted to apologize.

I was hoping that we could start over and be friends?

Like, maybe I could come over for whatever it is