Farzar

This is Farzar.

It was a peaceful planet before the evil aliens invaded.

But they were fought back by Renzo, Czar of Farzar.

Then Renzo married Queen Flammy.

Totally for love, not just to gain power, even though she's a slightly older woman.

Where the fuck am I?

Anyway, Renzo protected his people

by constructing an energy dome around the human city

to keep out the aliens and their diabolical leader, Bazarack.

I take off my shoes on airplanes.

- -

One day, Renzo will defeat Bazarack

with his god-like strength, rock star hair,

and chiseled, chocolate pecs.

Look at those muscle tits bounce.

Fuck, yeah!

Ah, fuck, yeah!

"I've finally captured you, Bazarack!" "Have mercy on me, mighty Renzo."

"I've got a better idea."

"I'm gonna heat up this clothes hanger on a stove

and shove it up your tiny, yellow ding-dong."

Okay, kids, that's enough state-mandated history for today. Any questions?

Yeah, is this gonna be more like Futurama or Rick and Morty?

Well, actually, it's gonna be more like shut the fuck up!

I am Prince Fichael, son of Renzo.

I am destined to rid the planet of evil.

Today is the day you die!

Anyway, today is the day--

Ow!

Uh, he did it to himself. I didn't touch him, Queen Flammy!

I think you know what you have to do.

I was going to say apologize.

Anyway, another fine display of plasma swordsmanship

by our brave son, Fichael.

What a joyous 30th birthday celebration.

Time to open Mommy's presents!

Gold-plated socks, gold-plated gold bars,

gold-plated puppy.

Mom, I know we're rich, but I'd prefer a living pet.

What's next? A gold-plated girlfriend?

No.

-Get the fuck out of here! -

Sorry to interrupt, sir, but the energy dome has been vandalized.

That is straight-up offensive.

Where's my goddamn reach-around?

It appears to be the work of Bazarack.

I hate that mustard-colored fuck.

Can someone please find Bazarack and bring me his head?

I'm so mad I could do a backflip.

Ow!

I landed on my goddamn Ski-Doo keys!

Everyone who saw that, kill yourself.

Fun party.

But what I really want for my birthday is to be a general.

Dad, I ask you every year and you never let me.

I'm gonna hold my breath till you make me a general.

Fine. Hold your breath, you dumbass. See if I, uh…

Hereby make you a General.

Yes! Do I get my own team of soldiers?

Sure, I'll put a quote-unquote "team" together for you.

Cool. Just like how I'm your quote-unquote "son"?

Oh, I can't wait to tell all my quote-unquote "friends."

Scootie, guess what?

My dad's putting together a special team for me. I want you to be on it!

How does Lieutenant BFF sound?

Like a piece of shit Disney show.

-You ordered the Snuffle Snart? -

Scootie, you got me a living pet for my birthday!

Nope. It's for me.

So about the team…

…guess we'll be nixing the drug tests.

Will you shut up? I'm trying to watch Lieutenant BFF.

I didn't know you could say the N-word on Disney.

Good morning, Special Hostile Assault Team!

S.H.A.T.? Our name is S.H.A.T.?

The past tense of shit? Great name, Fichael.

Thanks. I'm your leader, General Fichael.

Roll call!

Mal Skullcruncher?

Reporting for duty, sir.

I've been on over 700 missions in the alien wasteland.

Sanchez! Don't be a hero!

Operation Delta Brimstone, '72.

We were pinned down and I had to eat my whole goddamn platoon.

I was shitting dog tags and little pieces of Sanchez for months.

Yeah, you can just say, "Here." Val Skullcruncher.

Present.

My preschool class calls me Ms. Skullcruncher.

Except for Tina, who calls me Ms. Skullcunt.

Tina sounds funny. Is she single?

What? I have a six-year-old nephew

-who I'm trying to get laid. -Wow, the teacher is cute!

I hope you like foot jobs. I'm pretty sure the ugly one controls the arms.

Barry Barris?

Whoa! You're, like, Farzar's top scientist.

Yes. Well, I was until my nervous breakdown.

Now, I make stuff like this.

Me Billy. Hey!

Look at his little bird beak! Billy, welcome to the team.

Billy on team.

Billy happy.

Hey, Doc, can you do something about that?

Right. No, Billy, you must grip the shaft tighter or you'll never climax.

Anyway, listen up, team.

You're going outside the dome into the barren alien wasteland

on a dangerous and vital mission

to bring back smooth rocks for my pretty daddy's koi pond.

Oh, I see. Your daddy's giving us bullshit assignments

because he thinks we're a joke.

Who cares? I don't wanna go out there and fight those crazy aliens.

I used to be human, you know.

Every time I go out there, I lose a piece of myself.

All right, you aliens, come and get some!

All right, you aliens, come and--

All right, you--

Ha ha, you missed!

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Twerk them tits.

Oh, yes, come on!

You know what Mommy likes. Oh, yeah.

That's warming my whisker biscuit.

Cough.

Sorry, sonny, we didn't see you there.

Your father and I are still like young lovers.

We were just about to have our sunset sloppies.

It's dry, Fichael. So dry. I'm afraid it's gonna start a fire.

When I stick it in, it sounds like someone making keys.

Dad, I just wanted to clear up something.

The guys on my team say you think we're a joke.

What? My perfect son, a joke?

Of course you're a goddamn joke. Didn't you notice I named you S.H.A.T. Squad?

What? But I'm a general!

I bought that general outfit from Party City, you idiot.

You didn't see the medals were printed on

and it came with a mask and a trick-or-treat pumpkin?

And?

I made you a fake general to shut you up.

You think you could be an actual general? Ha! You've never even left the city.

I can't. You know I have fatallergies.

Mom says if I breathe pollen, my organs will disintegrate.

You still believe that crap?

Your mom made that up to keep you in the city because she's overprotective.

You're her only son. The parts needed to make another shriveled up 12 flarsecs ago.

I don't have fatallergies?

So I can leave the city and go on that mission?

No, you might get hurt.

If you do, your mother will divorce me. I'm not losing my throne.

So that's the only reason you care if I live or die. Got it.

I'm going on a mission, and it's not to bring back rocks for your koi pond.

I'm bringing back Bazarack's head!

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

My best men haven't been able to kill Bazarack. I forbid it!

You can't tell me what to do!

I'm not a 29-year-old child anymore.

I'm 30 years old, finally a man.

Oh, and one more thing…

Fine. But you're getting Raisinets.

Where the fuck am I?

S.H.A.T. Squad, the koi pond mission is off.

Instead, we're gonna kill Bazarack.

-What?! -Yes!

I eat my own hair.

There's no way I'm going on this mission.

The only human part of me left is my man part, and I don't wanna lose that.

I don't like to brag about it, but it's big.

Well, if you care more about your dick than me--

I do. I don't like to brag about it, but it's big, by the way.

Fine, we'll kill Bazarack without you then.

Barry, we're gonna need some special weapons for this mission.

Weapons? I'm your man.

Just drop this capsule into liquid and it hydrates into a bouncy castle.

What good is a bouncy castle?

How else do you get your neighbors to take off their shoes so you can sniff them?

Got any shit here that kills things?

Sure. Just blow into this and it causes instant death.

Now we're talking, Barry! I can't wait to kill some aliens with this. Ooh!

Oh, it's not for aliens. It's for you.

When you get torn apart by some ungodly creature out there,

you'll be begging for the reaper's sweet release.

I call it the sui-slide whistle.

Damn it. I should be dead.

Oh.

Needs batteries.

Okay. What does this watch do?

It opens up wormholes.

But only to my mother's shower.

So it's broken?

No. I am.

So this is outside. It's glorious!

Hey, everybody. I'm little Bob Dukie. This is my Little Bob Dukie dance.

So who knows how to find Bazarack?

So no one going to acknowledge Little Bob Dukie, yeah?

Maybe that pack of snarling aliens with fangs can give us directions.

Hey, guys!