Call Me Kat

Oh, hey. Welcome.

I'm just video-chatting with Oscar.

I met him at a club and I asked him out

because a-that's how I roll.

Let me see your kitchen.

Um, here we are.

There's the fridge, the range.

-Nice. -Yeah, and not to brag, but I own my own island.

North side of the island's a pretty chill vibe,

but on the south side of the island, people get crazy.

: Very tropical.

Where to next, my captain?

Ooh, let me show you my outdoor space.

This is my favorite part of the apartment.

-Nice view. -Yeah, it is a nice view.

Sometimes I like to lean over and look down into my café.

It makes me feel proud. Can you see the front?

-Uh, not yet. -Oh.

Um, can you see, there's, like, a...

there's, like, a cat statue by the door?

I can't quite tell.

Okay. Hang on.

Just... Whoa!

- -

Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

All good, landed on the awning.

Looking a bird dead in the eye. Freaking out a little bit.

I can see it. Shoo, bird!

Shoo, bird!

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean

you don't shower after you get out of the pool?

Do you shower after you take a bath?

I would if my bathtub was open to the public.

I would if someone peed in my bathtub.

Thanks for joining in.

See you Friday? Oh,

and not to get you too excited,

but I got you a little something for our six-month anniversary.

Well, not to get you too excited,

but I got you a little something-something.

Oh, two somethings?

Yeah, I'm worth it.

Bye.

Uh-oh.

-What's wrong? -I didn't get him a something-something,

I got him a nothing-nothing.

Because who gives a gift

for your six-month dating anniversary?

It's sweet. He really likes you.

Hmm, I just hope he's not one of those lame-ass people

that also celebrates his half-birthday.

Yeah, so lame.

I'm not just saying that 'cause my half birthday

falls on Christmas and no one ever remembers.

Have you noticed that there's a big old sag

in the awning?

Oh, well, Phil, sometimes awnings have sags.

It doesn't mean something happened.

But it's a big old sag. Like a piano fell from the sky.

Okay, Let it go, Phil.

- -Oh, goody.

Oscar and I are on for tonight.

-Ooh, what are you guys doing? -Just watching a movie at my place.

Look at you, taking things to the next level.

What level? Movie level? I-Is that a level?

Well, nowadays, watching a movie on someone's couch

is kind of code for definitely not

watching a movie on someone's couch.

Wait, what? I have never heard of that before.

Yeah, it came as a surprise to me, too.

Henry came over last week to watch Casablanca.

By the time we got to the love scene, we were the love scene.

And we played it again.

Well, uh, this is just our first date.

And-and I'm a "sex on the first date" virgin.

Not a virgin-virgin, you know, just so you know.

Uh, yeah, thank you for clearing that up.

I'm changing it to dinner, out, at a restaurant,

where they have a strict policy: you know,

no shoes, no shirt, no sex.

Okay, let's do a little thing.

Imagine Oscar with no clothes on.

How does that make you feel?

Warm.

Exactly. So why rule it out?

I just wasn't raised to move so quickly in relationships.

My mother taught me to take it slow.

That is some old-fashioned thinking.

Sex isn't about rules, it's about chemistry.

Hmm. I do like chemistry.

All those beakers and flasks.

The Bunsen burner, the eyeball rinse.

Okay. Look, Kat, I'm just saying that

if things are going well, just don't rule it out.

'Cause I guarantee you, 29-year-old Oscar

will definitely be thinking about it.

I'm with Randi on this.

You got to go for what you want.

After all, you could walk outside tomorrow

and get hit by a meteor.

Maybe that's what happened to the awning.

Hey, hey. Just here for my lunch.

Yeah, it'll be right out.

Oh, I forgot to ask you, would you like sliced onions,

diced onions, or caramelized onions with that veggie burger?

Uh, no onions, thank you.

Yeah, that's not an option.

I got a new produce vendor and those geniuses sent me

a pallet of onions when I was only supposed to get a box.

So you've found yourself in a bit of an onion pickle?

-Or maybe an onion jam? -

Am I laughing? I'm not laughing.

They're not charging me for them,

but they're not taking them back.

Well, I'll take a box off your hands.

I'll make my Grandma Silver's famous onion relish.

Oh, I have a recipe for onion relish, too.

It's been in our family for generations.

Much like dry elbows.

Uh, might I suggest we jar relish together?

I would relish that idea. How 'bout tonight?

Uh, I can't tonight. I have a-a thing tonight.

A date.

Oh. Oh, yeah? With who?

Um, that guy Oscar. From the pancake place.

Remember that night we both met people?

So, uh, what's going on with you and Birdie, by the way?

Oh, nothing. That was just pancakes.

Yeah. With a lot of syrup.

My bad.

So, I'll, uh, text you

about doing the relish thing. If that's okay?

Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be okay?

Are we okay?

-Uh, yeah, of course we're okay. -Okay.

I'll look forward to the text.

Oh! And here is my takeout,

which I am going to take out, as the name implies.

Have fun.

I mean, on your date.

Not just eating your lunch.

Yeah, that's what I assumed you meant.

You too, have fun.

I will do my best.

Dude, you're acting weird.

-No, I'm not. -Yeah you are.

You're smile-talking. My son used to do that

when I'd asked him if he used the potty.

Nine times out of ten, I'd find a turd on the floor.

And I think it's because you got a little rejected there.

And I don't think that tall handsome guy is used to that.

What are you talking about?

You wanted to make relish. She wasn't available.

Seems like the tables have turned.

Don't you have something to do in the back?

And I would also like to point out that "making relish"

sounds like a euphemism for sex.

I've got a keen ear for such things.

Seems like you're ready for your big date.

I just came up for an outfit check.

Oh, you don't have to tell me I look good, because I know

I look good. Do you know how I know? Because I feel good.

I feel like Lizzo, Gloria Steinem and Marie Curie

all rolled into one.

Well, I think those women would have

taken off their mustache tape by now.

Oh, my gosh. I forgot I still had it on.

I used to help my mama with hers at the end of every winter.

It's only supposed to be on a few seconds.

I just told you I forgot I had it on.

Well, how long has it been?

I don't know.

I listened to that Lizzo song, like, six times.

Six times!

-I know what to do. -Ow. No.

You can't pull it off fast.

Promise me you won't pull it fast.

I won't pull it fast.

Is this gonna be one of those things where you say

you won't pull it off fast, but then you pull it off fast?

No, I promise. I won't pull it fast.

Good, because I don't know where my skin ends

and this thing begins.

Oh! Oh, Phil! Oh...

We both knew how this was gonna go down.

We both knew.

Everything okay?

Uh-huh.

That's just how I eat soup.

No, actually, I... I need to tell you something.

-Is it about your upper lip? -It's about my upper lip.

Yeah. Um...

I'm a mentor to a group of wayward girls.

And I was teaching them how to toast marshmallows,

and they were like, "Marshmallow fight!"

And I was like, "No, that's dangerous."

But they didn't listen, and an on-fire marshmallow...

...stuck to my face.

Sorry about that.

It actually looks like when my sisters would