Paranormal Movie

There we go, make your momma proud.

Hey, Larry, let's go play some catch.

Go throw the ball around.

Get your mitt.

Larry, get your mitt, let's go throw some...

Let's go play some...

Jesus, Larry, you scared me. Don't sneak up on me like that.

Where's your... Larry!

Jesus, stop doing that. You know I have a bad ticker.

Now, where's your baseball, let's find your baseball.

Maybe it's under the...

How the hell did you get under the bed?

Come on, Larry. Let's find your mitt.

Where's your mitt? Let's stop horsing around here, and let's go throw the ball.

Where is that glove? I don't see... What?

Okay. Oh, my God. I'm on to you. You crazy little fucker.

Stop doing this to me, Larry.

There's two of you.

I can't take any more. I can't...

But I ran.

I ran so far away.

I couldn't get away.

Resync by AuwAuw ^_^ Happy Watching

How are you doing? What are you doing?

Just driving around, filming people.

How are you doing? Stop.

Are you still here? How are you doing?

How are you doing, man? What's up?

How you doing, dude?

- You get paid for this? - No. For fun.

Are you in high school or something? No, 40 years old.

Where are you going? You're acting weird

I'm not weird.

Hey, buddy! What did you bench today?

What the hell are you doing? Huh?

Get the...Get out of here. Whoa.

Hey, Roger, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Larry. You're fired.

Okay. So...

How do you rate our date so far? Do you film everything?

Well, I wanted to capture our first kiss.

Oh! Uh...

Oh. Really? Okay.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. You all right?

Oh, my God.

I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time,

and I just took the biggest dump of my life.

It won't flush. It won't flush.

Honey, is everything okay in there?

Huh?

Ooh.

Today's the day my girlfriend moves in.

Hopefully she doesn't have too many boxes.

Hi, honey! How are you?

Yes. Oh, God.

I think I lost the baby.

What? I think I had a miscarriage.

Are you filming this?

Better.

Okay, so this is the house I inherited from grandma.

Those lanterns at the front were from Paris. Stole 'em.

You know, if you come over here,

I talked to a lot of sculptors,

and

I wanted to capture the moment that i discovered masturbation.

That's a Playboy I'm reading,

and a lot of times my dog, Rex,

would watch me masturbate.

It got so annoying that I'd have to climb a tree just to get away from Rex,

because it made me creepy that he'd watch me.

That is a desk

my grandma actually died at.

And we just kept it the same way.

This couch was a find. I had it in college.

Wiped the pee stains out of it.

Oh, oh, these tusks are an interesting story.

I was in Mexico and I was drunk and I hit an animal I didn't really know

what it was, but I cooked it up and ate it.

And I think look pretty darn good.

Bitch getting that through customs.

This is our dining room.

Oh, this is a nice, interesting piece.

This piece represents the story of a small, black child in the South,

a slave, making her way North to safety in Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad.

Interesting.

This is the kitchen,

where we do a lot of stuff.

Over here is the fridge, the refrigerator.

This is where we do a lot of our product placement.

And come over here. Oh, wait, go back. And this is great.

This is an interesting thing.

Last night,

I cooked the best cheese sandwich of my life. I put it right up on top there.

And the cheese melted perfectly.

The best thing I've ever had in my life. This, uh...

That's my pig.

There's a paper mache replica of my dog, Dog Byron. Good guy.

And there's Cindy.

Hmm.

Watching her favorite TV show.

Hmm.

Here's the backyard.

A lot of party going on out here. You bet. We eat there, sometimes.

This is the pool and that's the...

One-Eyed Willie cleans the pool automatically. Don't have to do jack squat.

That stop sign is an interesting story.

I plowed into that. Once again, drunk.

And rather than wait for the cops, I took it.

This is our bedroom.

So this is where all the paranormal activity has been happening.

We've been hearing a lot of loud bangs at night.

What was that? I don't know. I just banged on the wall.

Why'd the lights go out?

Oh, I had scream lights installed.

They turn on and off when you scream.

Oh, well, let's just be really quiet and see if we hear any odd noises.

Okay.

Why'd you scream now?

I don't know.

Good thing I can't get you to reach orgasm or our lighting bill would be enormous.

What is that? What was that?

I don't know. Something happened.

I heard something.

What was that? I don't know.

- No, it's okay. It's just my keys. - Oh, boy.

- Okay. Did you hear that? - Shh.

I mean, did you hear that? Shh.

Tell me. It's okay. It's okay. It's just a lamp.

Okay. Okay.

- I heard that. I heard something. - Shh.

It's okay, it's just Snooki.

Larry, what are we gonna do? Something is really strange in this house.

I'm just going to keep on filming.

Then, when we know exactly what we're up against,

we'll be in the perfect place to

take care of it!

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

The battery's low.

Oh, no, baby.

Looks like somebody... You're so hot.

Oh, no. Something's wrong with you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Mmm. These are great green beans, Cindy. Thank you.

Wait. Who are you?

Cindy refused to sleep with the director, so he killed her off.

I'm your new girlfriend, Katie. Oh, right!

Did you hear that? Yeah, I did. What is it?

I don't know. It's coming from the basement.

Baby, I'm scared. Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be okay.

I've got a camera.

Oh, it's William Katt. Hey, Larry.

I forgot. William Katt lives in our basement.

Hi, Bill. Hi. How are you?

- How could you forget, man? - I'm sorry.

Hey, Bill, I got a question. Have you heard anything strange going on?

We've been hearing weird noises

and doors opening and closing for no reason and stuff.

Could be gnomes. Gnomes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, gnomes. They're like little leprechauns.

They get in through the walls. They cause all kinds of problems.

You gotta watch out for them. Okay.

Hey, do we have any strong sedatives in the house?

Sedatives? Yeah, I need

something that's gonna knock a 400-pound woman on her ass.

I've been keeping this girl down in the basement

for about half a year,

and I feed her nothing but 18 pounds of catfish every day.

She's gotten so fat, she can't even move anymore.

She's completely dependent on me to keep her alive.

That's terrible. Yeah.

But, you know, when you've been as famous as I have,

for as long as I have,

you've got to do whatever you can to get your rocks off, right?

What? Whoa! God damn it! Look out! Look out!

Whoa! What?

- Did you see him? - What?

- The gnome? - A gnome?

Gnome? Oh, come on, Larry.

- You didn't see the gnome? - No.

It was right there.

I didn't see it.

You know, I did a little angel dust a little while ago.

I don't know, maybe that's it.

I think you dropped something, Bill.

Yeah, you dropped something. What's that?

Is that...

Is that a finger?

Oh... Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed. That is a finger.

I won this off a Somali pirate some years ago in a game of five-finger fillet.

Little bastards. Not nearly as good with the blade as you'd think they are.

Okay. All right. Going back down to my basement.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Larry. Goodbye.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night, Bill. - Have a good one.

- Have a good one. Jesus! - God damn it! Son of a bitch!

- Look out! Look out. - Fuck. God damn!

- Watch out for those little fuckers, man. - Okay.

- You can't be too careful. - Okay.

- Okay? - Yeah.