TripTank

Come on, you little shit.

Time of death...

- 4:20. - Nice.

1x06 - "Candy Van Finger Bang"

Shut up, class!

I'm your sub for, uh... what the hell is it?

Sex ed?

All right, who hasn't put their little superstar

into a nice, new meat jacket?

You will figure it out. Class dismissed.

Hell, I'm sorry, Billy. Listen, you can have

this plastic learning vagina if you want.

You can probably cram your wien into it.

Splooge!

Ugh, this isn't the first time someone's jacked off in here.

What's wrong?

I'm the only kid at school who's still a virgin.

Billy, I have taken thousands of virginities,

and if there is one thing I've learned... I got nothing.

Being a virgin sucks.

I wish you could help me lose my virginity.

Jizzam.

Ugh!

Alright, let's get this over with.

Billy, meet Lola. She is going to deflower you.

Oh, man. I hope we fall in love and get married.

Hey, kid, I'm gonna pop your cherry wide open.

Hey, make me proud.

Um, I was hoping my first time could be a little more special.

Fine. Jizzam.

Ugh!

Wow, prom night is the most special night ever

to lose your virginity.

Too secure. Too pretty.

To confident.

Desperate and alone. Bingo.

Go get her, Billy.

- Wha... - Ow!

I'm so sorry.

- You're beautiful. - We must be soul mates.

Will you make tonight the most special night of my life?

Sure.

I know we've just met, but I think I love you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. It's time to .

You can't get it up?

I don't know! This has never happened before.

This was supposed to be the most special night of my life.

- Fix it! Fix your penis! - I'm sorry!

I'm gonna remember this forever.

Making your first time special is too much pressure.

I wish I could lose my virginity like everyone else does.

Jizzam.

- Congratulations, buddy. - Where am I?

- You have lost your virginity! - Cool!

- But I don't remember anything. - Exactly!

You wore a condom, right?

Rookie mistake.

Trip Tank. How can I help you?

Aw, damn. Who... who am I calling?

I got about four calls in at the same time.

- You've reached Trip Tank. - I got to call into 9-1-1.

Um, I think there's a fire in my house, and a burglar in my house,

- and I don't know which is worse. - Hold, please.

Ben, you better go open up that front door.

There's this crazy son of a bitch

selling gummy bears out of the back of a gold sparkled van.

I'd get it, but number two is screaming at me like a wild owl, man.

- Wait, what is your job again? - Don't you dare talk back to Roy.

I run this shit. This is mine.

If I didn't have to knock out a growler, man,

I'd be knocking you out.

Man, go get me some gummy bears, man.

All my life I wanted two things...

a Nintendo power glove and an American wife.

It's always been a dream of mine to see the world,

especially China.

Hey hon, I got the kids all prepped for bed if you want...

Ugh, christ, Doug.

I told your stupid ass I was skyping with my mom.

Ugh. Kisses.

Oh.

Where the hell is that Ben, man? Probably at home

milking a goat for some organic yogurt or some bullshit.

Son of a bitch better not be at the beach

getting all tanned up splishin' and a-splashin'.

God damn no good. Hello. Trip Tank.

Yeah, guys, I had a proposal.

Um, you know, I want to give you first shot at it.

It's really excellent.

It's this beautiful, really delicate thing.

Would you shut up?!

You know, you could probably get something like that

for, you know... pay a lot a money for it,

but I'll give it to you for $200.

Um, transferring you to the dipshit basement.

I told you, I'm on the phone!

Click.

I love America, and my colors don't run.

They spread.

I can go on and on

chatting your ear off about what that means,

but I think Dr. Polaroid said it best.

A picture paints a hundred pictures.

America, you better get some.

Oh, no. Ooh.

Okay.

So, uh, Zoey and I got pretty far last night.

- Ah, Zoey. How was it, man? - Raul, it was fantastico.

She sucked on my tootsie roll.

Oh, I know what that means.

Definitely know what that means.

Eh, it was good for her too. I am pretty well hung.

Oh, my god. Oh, Paco.

God, I just want this party to be over.

I'm really just at the end of my rope with these kids.

Man, this party's so boring, I could just hang myself.

Okay, kids, are you ready to hit some pinatas?

Wait, what?

!

Mother bitch shit!

My god, my leg!

Oh, my god, Raul, are you okay?

Get away from me! No, get away!

Oh, god. , oh, shit.

Oh, god. this.

Oh, my god. That was so !

I'm so cold. Mama?

Mama?

Tell my wife and kids that I love...

Paco, help me.

Ah...

Hey, look, there's another one.

No, please, no. No. No. No.

Trip Tank, talk at me.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, my god. Thank god you answered.

I just escaped from prison.

I've been trying to get away, and I got away.

I've seen your show on TV.

It's so good. I got to be part of this.

I had to escape, and I hopped over the fence,

And now I want to work for you.

I've seen your show. I love your show. I'm a wallaby.

I'm really, really cute. No, like, super cute.

I got little, beady, black eyes,

and I got a little pouch I can carry anything in.

If it fits in there, I'll carry it, man.

I hop real high. I'm good.

You'll like me.

Okay, I'm on my way there now.

I'll be there in a second, just hold on.

Driving screws.

Removing screws.

Removing nails.

Ending a relationship.

Stirring Chardonnay.

A magical wizard wand.

Snail kabobbing!

Honey tasting.

Fending off pirates.

Sexual intercourse.

Killing a werewolf.

Unsuccessfully.

Fixing a robot.