M*A*S*H

Marina, you gotta have somebody look at that.

I'm fine, Brandy. The aspirins are helping.

Me, I was drafted in the last war.

They assigned me to the enemy.

WOMEN (whooping): Hey! Whoo! Hey!

Hey! Whoo! All right!

Mortars! Get down!

Are you hit? No. I'm okay.

It's her stomach. She's been having pains.

Let's check it out. Ow.

Battalion Aid asked me to give these to you.

What are they? The casualty reports.

Never thought I'd wind up as a carrier pigeon.

Bad belly wound. Looks like he stopped their MiG with his stomach.

You'd better set up some plasma.

Well, well. Since when did they put a stewardess on this run?

She's with the U. S. O. Medic thinks it's her appendix.

Right down my alley. I wrote the book on the appendix.

I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.

Oh, it's okay. I'm fine.

Oh! Oh! Ah ha ha!

You showbiz folks, always with the funny walks.

Direct me to the nearest threshold.

How long have you had these pains?

Just for a few days.

It wasn't too bad at first, but now it hurts like heck.

You can say "hell" here. This is Korea.

If you can't say "hell" in hell,

where in hell can you say it?

Now, before I take out your appendix,

there's one question I always like to ask.

Have you had your appendix out before?

Uhuh. Will there be a bad scar?

Are you kidding? You're talking to Al Capone's personal plastic surgeon.

I must say, Pierce,

I certainly do envy your surgical assignment.

How I'd love to sink my scalpel once again

into a simple appendix.

It's such a useless

yet highly lucrative little organ.

Yeah, well, this useless little organ

should've been registered as a concealed weapon.

Another couple of hours, and it could've ruptured.

You wanna snip that, and then let's close.

I'm gonna do a running subcuticular.

I promised her the scar wouldn't be too noticeable.

Professional reasons. She's with the U. S. O.

Margaret, I need another hand with some retraction here.

Pam?

How's he doin'? Not too well.

It's gonna be touchandgo.

Miss Ryan, I believe you had a reservation

for a single with a view of the other singles.

Hey, it's a gal.

I've seen her before. She's a singer with U. S. O.

I caught her act at Kimpo. Hey, Miss. Saw your show.

You're terrific.

Please, this is no time to take a bow.

Frank, get us a screen over here, will you?

Could she do a song later?

Nah. 'Fraid not.

She opened and closed in one night.

Just some light roadwork, and stay off the heavy bag.

I'll see you in the morning.

Can you stay for a while?

No. You'd better get some rest.

Besides, I have to get over to the mess tent.

I'm working my way through busboy school as a doctor.

If he improves, he's gonna be a very sick young man.

Yeah. It wouldn't hurt

to get Father Mulcahy to put in a little overtime, huh?

Right.

That must be Marina's troupe.

Hello. Anybody home?

Unless I'm mistaken,

that's Brandy Doyle, the stripper.

How would you know?

Well, I saw her picture in Life magazine.

Uh, fully clothed.

Oh, it can't be her.

The U. S. O. wouldn't send a burlesque queen to Korea.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hello, Father.

Hiya, honey. Hi.

I'm Brandy Doyle.

Oh, well, how nice to meet you.

Hi. I'm Sarah Miller. Hello.

And I'm Ellie Carlyle.

We were told that Marina Ryan is here.

She sure is, and she's doing real fine.

Oh, glad to hear it.

Say, nice place you got here,

but once a week, you gotta get someone in to dust.

You can do it, Rev. You're a man of the cloth.

You're very jocular.

This is our emcee Fast Freddie Nichols.

Say, as long as you're here,

maybe you could do a show for our wounded?

Oh, as spokesman for the group,

we'd love to, but our schedule is very tight.

In fact, we're all drunk. Ha ha ha!

Now, where's Marina?

Oh, this way. Come on. I'll take you.

Come along. Uh, Father,

may I have a word with you in private?

Of course. Of course. This way.

Hey! Hiya, guys! Yep. You are not dreaming.

It is me in the flesh, so to speak.

Who is that? I don't know.

Great to be here in Korea,

the country with a Seoul.

How are you feeling?

Oh, much better. I had to have an appendectomy.

I had trouble with my appendix once,

but I couldn't afford the operation,

so I had the doctor touch up the Xray.

Hey, these cookies are dirty. Listen to this.

"Confucius say man who chase woman in dark

often end up with"

Ha ha ha! That's lovely.

I got one about a traveling salesman. Please. Fellas.

There are women present.

Speak up so we can hear ya.

That's the way.

What's all the laughing?

Oh, Doc, these are my U.S.O. friends: Eleanor and Brandy.

Hi, Eleanor.

This is the wonderful man who saved my life.

Oh, I just cut along the dotted line.

Fast Freddie, meet Captain Pierce.

Captain Pierce. Hawkeye.

Suture self, doc.

Ha ha!

Oh, I don't believe we've met.

Uh, Major Charles Winchester. Hiya.

Winchester, huh?

You must be the big gun around here. (chuckles)

I rarely get to meet a man of your caliber.

Marina?

Marina?

Sarah, hi.

I want you to meet Dr. Pierce.

This is Sarah Miller. Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you. Thanks for taking such good care of Marina.

Well, I'll tell you how you can pay me back.

We can turn postop into a barn

so you can turn it into a theater and put on a show for us.

You can stay with us for the night and leave in the morning.

No, they can't. Why?

We've gotta be on the road to the 121st evac hospital.

It's not that far, and the roads are good.

They haven't gotten around to potholing them yet.

I'm sorry. We just have time

to grab a bite and move on.

I'll have the mess tent prepare some food for you.

Thanks.

Just make sure it's not chicken.

You know how the last base killed their chickens?

They fed 'em the French toast.

Hey, these guys know comedy.

Freddie, they love you.

Why don't we stay and do the show?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on. Come on, Freddie.

You wanna talk about army food?

Those chickens were classified 4F:

fowl, fowl, fowl, fowl.

Oh, we'll do a show.

Don't tell me you think that guy is funny?

He's the worst comedian I ever heard in my life.

Then why are you laughing?

I don't know.

I don't believe it.

Hey, what do two drunks do when they meet?

They shake!

It is you! Fast Freddie Nichols,

the funniest man ever to set foot on his ankles!

Oh, he also does cerebral humor.

No. For cerebral humor, he walks on his head.

I'm Corporal Max Klinger. You won't believe this,

but once, I drove six hours to catch your act.

And your nose made it in five.

Nose made it in five! Is the man a genius?

He finds one insignificant little trait

and instantly turns it into comedy.

Yes, ma'am, I'm prouder than a peacock

to have a star of your magnitude

right here in our midst.

Well, aren't you the little charmer?

Ha ha ha!

Many's the time

you've beguiled this wideeyed young doughboy

back in K. C. in the old Gaiety Theater.

You caught my act?

Heck, one time I caught your garter.

To this day, every time I watch a C42 revvin' up,

I think about how you used to spin those tassels.

Well, there's more than one way to use a runway, Colonel.

Wonderful news, everybody.

We've cleared out a space in postop