How to Be a Gentleman - First Season

Previously on How to be a Gentleman.

Your "How to be a Gentleman" is just too tame.

I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

Oh, that's cause it is.

- Excuse me, Andrew Carlson? - Yeah.

Dead arm!

Bert Lansing from high school!

Me and my buddies used to dead arm you all the time.

You don't remember me?

This is my gym. Bert's Body Shop.

See, I got a whole philosophy.

I'm into the whole Asian thing of mind, body and spirit.

No one cares about being a gentleman anymore.

You know everything about being a gentleman,

but nothing about being a man.

I always feel safe around Andrew.

I kill many of her bugs.

You should be taking off many of her pants.

You need to ask her out.

I can't believe she said yes.

I'd like to become an official member of Bert's Body Shop.

Actually, proper gym etiquette mandates that you need to re...

Dead arm!

What was that?

You were being you. We'll fix that.

Come on.

For a gentleman, early morning is a time for quiet reflection,

a stress-free moment to ease into the...

Yo, Andrew, open up, it's go time.

Bert?

What are you doing here?

You hired me to be your trainer.

It's time to start training.

But we worked out yesterday.

Look, I don't want to get too big.

I think we're good.

Besides, you didn't just hire me to get your body in shape.

You hired me to get your whole life in shape.

That means I got to be with you 24-7.

Well, you can't be with me 24-7.

That would mean you'd have to move in.

Bingo.

A guest bedroom is preferable, but, hey,

I could crash on the couch.

H-Hold on, you're not moving in.

I didn't hire you for that.

Don't act so shocked.

We talked about this.

I said, "If you want me

to get you in shape, I got to move in."

You said, "I'm totally cool with that, bro."

I never said that.

Trust me, this is the only way to fix you.

I just think it is weird to have my trainer live with me.

I'm not just your trainer, I'm your friend.

We go all the way back to high school.

Where you used to beat me up.

I'm glad we can laugh about that now.

Uh, could you not disrupt that, please?

I've got everything organized

by expiration date.

This job's gonna be a little harder than I thought.

What is your job exactly?

My job is to tear you down and build you back up

brick by freckly brick.

I'm gonna change the way you think,

the way you act, the way you dress.

What's wrong with the way I dress?

Nothing.

Has the captain turned off the seat belt sign yet?

Am I free to move about the cabin?

You're certainly free to leave.

The exits are here and here.

Yeah, a little backbone, I like that.

This might not take as long as I thought.

And how long is that?

I don't know, maybe six weeks.

Six weeks?

Okay, I don't think I need

that level of attention.

How many women have you had sex with in the past year?

Six weeks sounds fine.

Come on, lock it out, lock it out.

All right, eye of the tiger, baby.

Whew.

I feel good.

Hey, check it out, my first vein.

That's a pen mark.

Oh, yeah, crossword accident.

Now, don't feel bad, you're doing great.

I've got your picture up on the wall.

- You do? Yeah, - You're like a celebrity around here.

I'm a before?

You're going to be my finest achievement.

If I can fix you, I can fix anyone.

It's going to be like turning a baby bird into Vin Diesel.

Wonderful, am I done?

No, n-n-no, we got another set.

We got to get ur arms pumped for tonight.

We're going to a bar to hit on women.

No, I do not go out on work nights.

That's one of my rules.

Well, that's a rule you got to change.

Well, I would, but I have a rule about not changing rules,

so I win.

- Tell that to your arm. - Huh?

Oh!

Dead arm.

I win.

Hey, Andrew.

Aah!

Jerry, what are you doing in my office?

You're hiding from Cody again, aren't you?

I am.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

Why would a 50-year-old man be hiding

from his new 25-year-old boss?

Lunch jogs.

I don't like jogging.

I like eating.

You're the editor of the magazine, Jerry.

If you don't want to go, just tell him.

Whoa, what happened to my chair?

Cody wants the offices to feel younger and hipper, you know,

to reflect the new direction of the magazine,

so he got everybody a new chair.

This isn't a chair, Jerry, this is a ball.

I thought it was a ball, too.

Then Cody clarified for me that it is a chair.

He's great at making me change the way I see things,

like yesterday when I told him I liked your article,

he made me see that I didn't.

He wants it to be sexier.

But it's all about how the brain

is the ultimate erogenous zone.

It is smart and sexy.

The brain is not sexy.

No guy ever pleasured himself to a picture of the brain.

Our readers are now dudes...

dudes who like beer and sex and...

Hitting on women at bars on a work night?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Not that I'd know personally, of course.

I'm outside the demographic.

I'm irrelevant.

I think it's great that you're going out

on a weeknight, Andrew.

That's very unlike you.

It's fun.

Mike, it's not a big deal.

Oh, hi, honey, what's not a big deal?

Oh, I'm getting deported.

What? You are?

Would you stop saying that?

We have our green card interview tomorrow

to prove we're married and Mike is freaking out.

Well, how could I not be, Janet?

We've got to go down to the Department of Homeland Security.

Those guys are tough.

They're the best there is.

Nothing gets past those guys.

It's going to be fine, honey.

We just show them a few documents and bills.

Once they get a look at us, they're going to be like,

"What? Those two are so married, it's gross."

Well, I hope you're right,

I hope they are grossed out by our love.

Oh, I'm sure they will be.

Relax, we've been married a year.

It's just an interview.

Actually, my friends Ulrich and Mary

just went through this,

and it's more of a test than it is an interview.

Ironically, Mary is from Sweden and Ulrich is from New Jersey.

It's a test? Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, what's uh-oh?

Janet's never been a strong test taker.

It embarrassed me as a teacher,

but I never loved her any less.

I freaking hate tests.

They make me nervous.

My mind goes blank and I can barely speak.

You know, I'll tell you what.

I-I am an expert at helping people get ready for tests.

How about I give you a practice quiz,

and then that way you'll feel prepared?

That's a great idea, Diane. Yeah?

I'm gonna miss you the most.

Blonde is cute, right?

Yeah, she's pretty.

Yeah, you like her?

You want to be with her physically?

Ask her out.

What are you, her pimp?

No, it's, it's tacky hitting on women at a bar.

Besides, I don't think I'm going to really meet

the future Mrs. Carlson here.

You got to stop thinking about meeting your wife.

For all you know, she isn't even born yet.

That's disturbing.