Two and a Half Men

Alan, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

Alone.

Gotta be about sex.

Take a hike.

You know, I'm 14. You're not protecting me anymore.

Jake.

This is just a pathetic sham.

So what's up?

Okay. Long story short,

I've got a young woman upstairs.

Wow. I didn't see this one coming.

See her?

I'm surprised you couldn't hear her.

She was like a cat in a fan belt.

Anyway...

I need you to entertain her in my absence.

Entertain her? What'd you have in mind?

A musical number from Sweeney Todd?

How young is she?

Maybe a little peek-a-boo.

Right there.

That's why no one likes you.

Just keep her occupied till I get back.

Where you going?

I have a date.

A date?

I-It's 8:30 in the morning.

I know what time it is. I have a limited

window of opportunity here

Her husband's playing nine holes, so I thought

as long as he's out, I'd try to play a couple myself.

Then why don't you send the other girl home?

I'll be back by noon.

What am I supposed to do the rest of the day?

Okay, okay. I mean...

I'm gonna say something now because, well,

I think it needs to be said.

What?

You're a severely damaged

human being.

I'd love to stay and chitchat with you,

but I've got a golf widow marinating in Brentwood.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Wh-What am I supposed to tell the girl upstairs?

I don't know. Tell her I went out to give blood.

That way, if I come back a little weak,

I've got a good excuse.

So, you want me to just lie to her.

Well, it's up to you.

You could tell her the truth,

but then you'd have to pack up all your crap

and move into the lifeguard station.

Ohh... why you gotta do that?

Why is it always "my way or the highway"?

"Obey my commands, or you're out of the house."

Then again, if the system works, why mess with it?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

when they poured those legs.

I don't believe it.

Another one.

Hey, Alan.

Who's the blonde?

Don't know.

Found her on the beach.

Like-- homeless?

Not tonight.

You realize, that's three in one day.

Depends how you count.

I make it out to be...

seven.

Or eight.

I should carry a clicker.

Oh! Charlie, even for you, this is ridiculous.

Hey. One man's ridiculous is another man's yabba-dabba-doo.

"I should carry a clicker."

"Yabba-dabba-doo."

By the way, I'm Charlie.

I'm Gretchen.

Ooh, I like that. Gretchen.

It's got a built-in grrr.

Upstairs on the right.

Make yourself comfortable.

Okay.

Grrr.

Charlie Harper?

Yeah.

Keep your hands off my wife.

Yes, sir. No problem.

Oh, God. Charlie?

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I just got punched in the face.

Help me up.

That was an angry husband, wasn't it?

Well, you can't really blame him.

From now on, he's gonna have to take his wife golfing with him.

Wait a second.

You're still going upstairs?

Why not?

It wasn't her husband.

But... you're bleeding.

Did you see that girl?

I'd be climbing these stairs if I was just a head and a spine.

* Men.

Berta, have you noticed

anything different about Charlie lately?

What do you mean?

Well, he's always been promiscuous, but...

I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.

I know what you're saying.

I'm having to change his sheets so often,

I'm thinking about putting them on a roller.

Ha-Have you ever seen him act this way before?

Well...

when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die.

You know how they say

if your erection lasts more than four hours,

you should call your doctor?

He'd just call another girl.

Yipes.

For a while there,

he had to stand on his head to take a leak.

'Morning.

'Morning. 'Morning.

Rough night in Hump Junction?

No, I was good.

I just had a little accident.

I tried to pick my lady friend up and put her on the bureau

and now I can't find one of my testicles.

Oh, Charlie.

I don't think I really lost it.

It's kind of like your keys.

Even if you can't put your hands on them,

you know they gotta be somewhere.

That is something you do not want to find in the vacuum bag.

You know, I'm really starting to worry about him.

I-I feel like I should do something.

The way he's been acting, if I were you,

I'd start sleeping on my back wearing a catcher's mask.

Good news!

I found it!

It's always the last place you look.

* Men.

Are you sure you're up to this?

I'm fine.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Just a little tender in the giblets.

Yeah. You're fine.

Two beers, please.

Oh, yeah. Much better.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm scouting the talent.

Are you out of your mind?

What's your pickup line?

"You want to come back to my place

and help me look for my balls?"

It was one ball, and I found it.

Oh, Charlie.

Don't you think you need to slow down a bit?

Why would I want to do that?

Well, come on. Is, is this lifestyle

actually making you happy?

Let me answer that question with another question.

Who would you rather be?

You? Or me?

You're kidding, right?

You have two black eyes

and you're perched on a scrotum cozy.

You.

Hi.

Hey, there.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Can I buy you a drink?

If you want to.

Well, I'd like to buy you an airplane,

but let's start with a drink.

I'm Charlie.

Pepper.

Oh. My favorite condiment.

It's a spice.

Shut up.

So,

Charlie.

No kidding.

Well, then...

All right. You're under arrest for solicitation.

Stand up, put your hands behind your back,

and spread your legs.

I'm afraid you're going to have to choose one.

* Men.

Now will you admit you've got a problem?

Hey. That was entrapment.