Raising Hope

Aw, look.

I bet Grandma and Grandpa have a fun day planned for you.

No, we don't. We can't watch Hope.

In fact, you need to watch Maw Maw for us.

Your mother and I are competing

in the Natesville Wife Carrying Competition.

Big Joe and his dwarf wife got divorced.

So we really have a shot this year.

Come on, guys. No fair.

I watched Maw Maw for you last weekend.

Over the years, my parents had developed a little strategy

to get what they wanted.

They called it

"Bad Cop, Sad Cop."

You turn off our gas,

I'll have you busted down to pumping gas.

You can't turn off our gas.

This rotisserie chicken is barely cooked.

If we eat this, we'll die!

If you don't let us in, I'll have you busted down

from checking credentials to checking urinal cakes.

The Last Wish Foundation said there'd be tickets for us.

I will have you busted down

from meter maid to regular maid.

And trust me, that is a picnic without a blanket.

We're barely 62 minutes late.

Please, I lost my job. My dog died.

My best friend didn't make it back from the war...

on obesity.

I'm not gonna tow your car.

The only thing I regret is not being able to take back that ticket.

If you don't watch Maw Maw,

I will bust you down to stepchild.

And if you think you had it bad before,

you ain't seen nothing yet.

You just spit on the coffee table.

Jimmy, please?

Business is slow.

I have no retirement savings.

My son's a disappointment.

Well, yes, of course.

I'll-I'll watch Maw Maw for you.

Great.

We'll be out late.

We totally could've been cops.

We'd clean this city up.

Hello, Chances.

Thank you for meeting us at the house, Wally.

Not a problem.

The old voodoo woman who whitens my teeth lives around the corner.

It's part of my makeover.

How old do you think I look? Whoa, whoa!

There's no wrong answer.

72. - Wrong answer.

Why are you trying to euthanize yourself?

I've got a big case

and the prosecutor has hired two young "LILFs"

to sway the jury.

"Lawyers I'd Like to Frolic with."

Come on, guys. It's self-explanatory.

Makes sense to me.

Like we knew O.J. was guilty

because Marcia Clark was so hot.

I'm not familiar with that case.

But enough small talk.

I have to get to my eyebrow wax in 15 minutes.

What did you guys do now?

We didn't do anything.

Actually, this time, it's me.

Oh, you are gonna have so much fun at the aquarium.

All right.

And I'll be right here when you get back, okay?

Oh, uh, Mrs. Chance, I'm sorry.

I can't let Hope on the bus.

Her permission slip needs to be signed by a legal guardian.

Oh, well, I'm married to her father, so...

No, I'm sorry.

It's for the kids' safety.

Really.

Says the person

who hired the psycho with the face piercings

and the teardrop tattoo to drive the bus?

That "Psycho" is my husband.

And the teardrop is a tribute to the lost children of Sudan.

So, I would like to officially adopt Hope.

I see.

Well, as much as I would like to handle that...

it's expensive.

And these two still owe me

from when they sued the blue jean company

over the "Button-fly."

Seriously, guys?

I'm a busy man

and those people have stolen minutes from my life.

I-I'm sure that they intend to pay you back... right?

Have you heard of something called "Burt Bucks"?

Yes.

I'm the one that got you off the counterfeiting charge.

You didn't pay me for that either.

Well, sorry, Sabrina.

I guess you'll never be Hope's real mom.

We tried.

Wait, I'm starting to think

that one hot, young stud might not be enough

to win this case.

So, I'll do the adoption,

if you two sit at my table as extra eye candy.

It would be so fun to pretend to be lawyers.

I could be just like the one

Ally McBeal played on that show.

I could be like that cool army guy on JAG.

I've always wanted an excuse to wear white pants.

We'll do it.

With you two lookers,

I won't need this anymore.

Now...

if one of you wouldn't mind helping me...

pull off this tape.

With Wally on board, we could finally

make the adoption official.

How about a little more teeth?

Perfect.

Cool, we get an official picture.

Next.

That's us.

Here you go.

Okay, bye.

I... I thought you were gonna

swear us in.

This isn't an inauguration.

We'll just get to the picture then.

This camera's only for official business.

No, I just officially adopted this little girl, so...

For official hunting licenses.

Squab season starts tomorrow.

Great, then we'll take one family hunting license, please.

Are you going to go squab hunting?

Yes, you know what? Yes.

Here, come on.

My family and I would like

one license to kill whatever a squab is.

I don't issue licenses to non-hunters.

It cheapens it.

Come on, honestly.

How hard is it really to just, like,

click your little button and take a picture

of me and my family?

You know, I-I got a camera on my phone.

We could just take a picture outside.

They got a-a nice rosebush, and that-that statue

of that blind woman holding weights.

It just...

Oh, someone's adopting a puppy.

I've got to get a picture of this.

Oh, come on!

Really?

This Polish gentlemen said,

"I didn't know it was a penis."

Hold for laughter.

Salute jury.

I saw this lawyer at a trial in Florida

open with a knock-knock joke.

Trust me.

It killed.

How about when you say, "He's not guilty,"

I'll try to get the whole courtroom to say,

"How not guilty is he?"

No, no, no, no. You-you say nothing.

But we stayed up all night watching Matlock.

Burt does a great Southern lawyer.

My name is Brown.

And I am against this board of education.

I admire your commitment.

But I also know how difficult it is

for you to button your fly.

Therefore,

you-you stay quiet.

My God.

She's got one good-looking posse.

All right, just like we practiced.

Counselor. - Counselor.

Okay.

Game on.

Wow, that took a lot out of me.

Being a lawyer's a lot harder than I thought.

Now I know why they charge by the hour.

That was only, like, 30 seconds.

I'm exhausted.

So, I'd been in labor for four hours

and it's pouring rain outside.

But right then when my Skylar was born,

a ray of light came through the window.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

What was it like when you first saw Hope?

It was really...

magical.

Giving birth to Hope was

probably the best thing I ever did with my life.

Really I was just lucky

that Jimmy was there to help me push it out of my body.