South Park

I'm going out to South Park gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation

I'm goin out to south park gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor

I'm heading out to south park to see if i cant unwind

I like girls with big fat titties really big fat titties

So come on out to south park and meet some friends of mine

Episode 11x03 "Lice Capades"

All right, students, let's take our seats.

Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.

Ah yes. You mean the Jew problem.

Good, good! I'm glad we're finally gonna do something about it.

No, I mean the problem of head lice.

There's been a lice breakout at a school in Denver

and we need to make sure nobody spreads it here.

Somebody might have lice?

So today you're all going to the gymnasium to have your scalps examined.

That is completely unnecessary. Everyone knows that only poor people can get lice.

The only person that can spread it here is Kenny.

What? Fuck you!

I'm sure this class is clean, but we're gonna be examined so that if anyone has the lice

we can stop it before it spreads.

Lice can live in anybody's hair.

Hello, Kelly. How's my baby?

You mean me or the little one? - I mean both.

Well, besides a little loneliness waiting for daddy to come home, I guess we're both okay.

How did a louse like me get so lucky to have a louse like you?

Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis.

You okay? - Sometimes...

I just worry what kind of world our baby is gonna grow up in.

I need to run up to the forest and do another sediment analysis.

I'm worried we might be overworking the tertiary layer.

All students, make sure you're in line according to your grade.

When you reach the front of the line you will go behind the curtain

and remove any hats to be checked.

Boy, I sure hope they don't find lice in my hair.

What do you think happens if you do have it? - They drag you out of here.

Put you in this big containment facility.

Where they stick a cold metal pipe up your ass with this clear jelly.

And then they shock your balls.

I'm clean! I knew I didn't have any stupid lice!

This is ridiculous. All this just so they can send Kenny and his stupid head lice home.

Hey! Fuck you!

Have a seat on the stool.

Looks like you've got 'em. - What?

You have lice. Let's see, Clyde Harris, is it?

Oh my God. Oh Christ no!

Now now, it's all right. We're going to call your parents and get you to your doctor.

Please, you don't understand. The other kids are gonna make fun of me forever!

I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel. - Yes they are!

Mr. President! Mr. President! I believe we have a serious problem!

The environment is changing. I believe it is somehow, reacting to our presence on it.

And what do you base this on?

Look, this is the world, right?

But now, think of the world as a living being.

If it were somehow conscious, then it would ultimately become aware of our effect on it.

Huh right, the world is conscious. It makes perfect sense.

Hello. Anybody?

If we have made too much of an impact, then that consciousness would try to snuff us out!

I think we're looking at a global catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen!

Poodiggery and poppycock!

I think we need to put all resources now into a full investigation

Perhaps even begin a licewide evacuation.

Evacuation?!

Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you know how much money we would lose?

Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President can't be bothered any further.

Damn you vice president Craig! You could be killing us all!

This is so embarassing.

I have an ear infection. What are you seeing the doctor for?

I have... I have AIDS.

Clyde Harris?

Yeah, that's a pretty bad lice problem there. Good thing they pulled you out of school.

But why me, doctor? Why me?! How did I get this?!

Well, believe it or not, some lice can actually attach themselves to flies

and then wait for the fly to land on someone's head where they can reproduce.

And then the lice that live in your head now were probably all born there.

Sick! - This shampoo should take care of it.

Use this in the shower. Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards.

But it should kill every last one of them.

Travis? Everything okay?

Kelly, I was just thinking about our baby. I want to name her Hope.

Hope? - Hope for a chance at tomorrow?

It's raining? Now?

Rid-X, Maximum killing power kills instantly lice and their eggs.

I love the rain!

Oh my God.

We have to get out of here! - What it, it's just rain.

We have to get out of here now, Kelly!

What is that?

Run!

Everyone get up into the trees! We have to get up high!

Come on, Kelly!

Oh my God, Travis, they're all dying!

Don't look, Kelly! Don't look!

What the hell is it?! - Well it's okay, we're safe up here!

I don't think so!

Travis! - Kelly! Hang on!

I can't hang on! - You have to! For the baby!

Okay, kids, today we're going to review some Civil War history.

Who can tell me what year the war started? - Wait, so what happened?

With what? - With the lice exam.

Did they find anybody with lice?

Yes, some lice was discovered and the proper action has been taken.

Somebody in this class? - Yes.

Well who was it? It was Kenny, right?

That doesn't matter, it's over. - Doesn't matter?!

If somebody had parasites in their hair, we need to know who!

It was Kenny, wasn't it? - I wanna know who it was, too.

t's being kept confidential!

There's a policy in the schools not to single out a kid who has lice

because of the embarassment it can cause, okay?!

That is bullcrap!

You are denying our rights as children to totally rip on that kid

and make him or her feel like an outcast! - Yeah!

And we have a right to know which boy had lice in his hair so we don't ever go out with them!

How do we know it was a boy? It could just have easily been one of you stupid girls!

Yeah! Dumb girls! - The case is closed!

Whoever had the lice, they're dead now!

We're moving on to Civil War history.

Hope. Hope, you're alive.

My God...

Help me.

Help me.

Travis. Over here!

Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get up in them trees, we'd all be dead.

How many survivors? - Just the six of us.

And the vice president.

You son of a bitch! You had a chance to stop this!

So help me, if we live through this, I'm gonna see you rot in prison!

What do we do now? - We aren't out of this yet!

You two look for other survivors. You get whatever food you can and bring it back here.

Who put you in charge?!

God did! When he killed my wife!

All right, the person who had head lice needs to speak up right now

so that we know to stay away from you!

Yeah, come on! We're gonna find out sooner or later.

Okay, whoever you are, you are now not only a licehead, you're a liar!

You're only making this worse on yourself!

You know what? I'll bet it was you! - Me?

This is exactly what you would do if they found lice in your hair!

Try to lead the charge against somebody else to take the suspicion off of yourself!

I don't think so, Kyle! But you know what?!

This is exactly what you would do if you had head lice! Try to get everyone to blame me!

You guys stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere!

That's exactly what you would do if you had had head lice, Stan.

Yeah, try to have everyone make peace so it doesn't seem like a big deal.

And this is exactly what Kenny would do. Stand here and say nothing!

Hey guys, what would I do?

Let's just get a magnifying glass and look at everyone's heads.