Key & Peele

Excuse me, sir.

Do you have a moment to save the children?

I'm sorry, man. I'm-- I'm running late,

and I just don't have time to chat right now, so...

I understand that. I understand that.

It's just that, every minute, another child

dies unnecessarily, a child who could live

a fruitful life with the help of just one small donation.

Yeah, I'm-- I don't have the time.

- I'm sorry. - I understand that.

It's just, all it takes is $1 to save a child.

All right. You know what?

Fine, you're right. Yup.

Who doesn't want to help a child?

Let's save five children.

Tommy!

All right, come on, come on, come on.

One, two, three, four, five.

Not so fast. Just five.

- Thanks a lot, sir. - Help!

Help! Help!

Oh, my God. I have another dollar.

I have another dollar. Sir, I have another dollar.

Like one time, I was in church,

and I was talking to an elderly friend

of my mother's at the time,

very classy lady, very decorous.

- And-- - "Decorous"?

Decorous. It means proper,

a person who does everything proper.

Mm-hmm. I know.

And, um...

I was talking,

and in the middle of a sentence, unbeknownst to me,

I dropped an f-bomb.

In church. In church,

after church, before social period,

we about to go get some coffee and donuts up in this boinks.

I'm talking to my girl.

- What'd you say? - She shall remain name--

I don't remember. I don't remember.

- I just remember talking about-- - You're just like,

"I'm gonna get some fucking-- fucking communion."

And that's--

Happy Sunday, Esther.

Happy Sunday, Georgina.

How was your week?

- Oh, the Lord is with me. - Mm-hmm.

But the Devil,

he got his hands on my grandniece Grace.

- Oh, no. - Mm-hmm.

Out there smoking the reefer, doing the hanky-panky with boys.

No, Georgina.

Oh, Esther, you know

that I love all things that are good and holy.

- Mm-hmm. - But if he doesn't let go

of my grandniece Grace,

I'm gonna cut the Devil's dick off

and shove it in his ass.

Mm-hmm.

- With my prayers. - I know you will, Georgina.

I know you will.

How was your week, girl?

Oh, you know me.

I'm blessed and thankful for everything.

Mm-hmm. All right.

But you know my grandson Jason got hisself wrapped up

in the leathery claws of Satan.

- Not Jason. - He got hisself arrested

for the spray-painting and the vandalism.

Oh, Lord.

And I tell you, I never

raise my hand in anger,

but if he don't let Jason go,

I'm gonna punch that nigga Satan in the nuts so hard,

it wipe the dick-licking smirk off his horned-ass face.

Mm-hmm.

- With my prayers. - Amen.

I know you will, Esther, I know you will,

but Esther, I gotta tell you something else, now.

Mmm, let it out.

You know, Esther,

that I have found serenity in the glory of Heaven.

Yes.

But my daughter's husband Bernard

has got himself wedged

between the cleft hooves of Lucifer hisself.

- Mmm. - She opened up

his laptop computer

and found the pornography of women.

Not the pornography of women.

Absolutely the pornography of women.

Not on the laptop computer.

On the laptop computer found the pornography of women.

Mmm.

I am a pacifist under God's request,

but if he don't let go of Bernard,

I'm gonna sneak up on that bitch-ass Lucifer

right in the midst of his sleep time.

- Oh. - And then I'm gonna sit

on that motherfucker's head,

and I'm gonna spread my booty cheeks on that pig's face,

and I'm gonna just pucker up my stank hole...

Whoo.

And just toops, toops, toops,

scoops, bedoop-scoop-scoop-skedoops

until that nigga got a brown dot on his nose

that I can use for target practice.

Sha-plow!

- Shoot that. - Sha-plow!

- Shoot that! - Sha-plow!

- Whoo, shoot that nigga in the shit-nack.

With my prayers.

With your prayers, of course, of course.

Oh, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup?

Oh, I got nothing but faith in God and Heaven above,

but I tell you, my son's wife Crystal,

she got herself wrapped up in the fiery wings

of Mephistopheles hisself.

Here we go.

You know, she got caught using profanity with her own children.

- What? - At the dinner table.

Oh, Lord, child, child.

Georgina Darlene Martin!

Oh, I have nothing but love for every creature on this planet,

but if he don't let my darling Crystal go,

- I'm gonna flirt with the devil. - Oh. Oh.

Show him a little bit of shoulder.

"How you doin'?"

He gonna start looking away, I'm gonna start twerking.

Start twerking, he gonna be like, "Whoo."

He gonna be, he gonna be drawn in.

Mm-hmm.

Seduce that little motherfucker.

Give him one of these. "Hi."

Batting my eyelashes at him.

Then when he least expects it,

and I got his trust, that's when I'm gonna ride that nigga.

I'm gonna give him the night of his life,

a night he ain't never gonna forget.

- Go get him. - I'm gonna give him this way.

I'm gonna give him that way.

And then, right when he about to climax,

that's when I'm gonna clench up my pussy

on that motherfucker's red dick,

and I'm gonna snap that nigga cock off

with a divine kegel.

Well, you gonna snap that nigga dick off.

- Whoo! - Snap it off! Whoo!

- With my prayers. - With your prayers.

- With your prayers. - With my prayers.

Of course. With the prayers, yeah.

- But that's right, girl. - Yes.

- You go get him, Esther! - Yes!

- Fuck Satan! - Fuck him!

Fuck him in the--

Wha-- What's happening, Georgina?

Georgina isn't here anymore.

It is I, Satan.

Ah!

Ah! No, Esther!

- I'm in here, though! - Oh!

I'm kicking this nigga's ass.

Yeah!

Oh, help me. Somebody help me.

I ca-- can't get out of this bitch.

Oh, get him, Georgina! Get him!

I stuck a safety pin

in this nigga's urethra.

- Ooh! - Oww!

Fuck! That hurts!

Right now I got his dick

in my hands like a old rag.

I'm wringing out! I'm wringing it out!

Oh, give me some of that.

I want a piece of him, yes.

Tag me in.

Who is this crazy bitch, now?

Ah, it's me, motherfucker!

Your worst nightmare, bitch!

- Shoot that motherfucker! - That's right.

I'm on top of you. I'm on top of him.

What's going on?

This feels good. Why would you do this to me?

Oh, you'll see in a second,

- motherfucker. - Just wait, motherfucker.

Oh, I'm waiting, but oh, here I cum.

Here I cum.

Here you go, ha!

Grabbed it! Snap!

- Ooh! - Ooh, I got him good.

I'll do anything you say.

I'll do anything you say.

Too late now. Too late now, Satan.

Oh, shh. We should probably go.

Oh, yeah, let's go, let's go.

We don't want to disturb the service.

Ooh, I got a hold of him.

I'm gonna-- We gonna go medieval on his ass.