Family Guy

And now, the Game Show Network presents,

Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?

"I am oily-haired with dinner-plate eyes."

"I was in that one movie about the weirdo."

"I somehow look both deathly ill and ripped."

"I am a less successful version of Tobey Maguire."

Anyone? No?

"You would totally believe any story about me being a dick."

I'm changing the channel. I like both of them.

Peter, did you see this?

It says here that Carter Pewterschmidt

has bought the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

Now what's that?

It's where you work, Peter.

Why the hell would Daddy buy the brewery?

Well, there's children in the room... watch your swearing...

But apparently, he's looking to diversify his holdings.

Wow, Dad. I guess that means Grandpa's your new boss.

Ah, crap. I don't want to work for him.

I'd rather work for Doctor Frankenstein.

- Igor, I did it! - Hold on.

You discovered the power to create new life,

and you created a guy?

So I should've made a woman so I could have sex with a corpse?

I don't know, man.

You just shouldn't have made a guy.

All right, now that I'm in charge of this brewery,

there's gonna be some changes around here.

For one thing, no more T-shirts or dungarees in the work place.

Dungarees are jeans!

Griffin? What are you doing here?

I... I work here.

You do? No way!

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Effective immediately, you're the guy at the office

with a weird ski tan, but you can't talk about it.

Hey, what, did you go skiing this weekend?

I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Aw, damn it.

Morning, Brian.

I'm afraid you ran a red light.

Your license please.

Ugh. I swear, Joe,

the light was still gray when I went through it.

Mm-hmm. Are you aware this is expired?

What?

Brian, step out of the vehicle.

Wha-Wha... What? What's going on?

Well, the law's clear.

I have to confiscate your license,

and you're gonna have to walk home.

Well, can't you at least give me a ride?

No can do, amigo.

Ugh. All right, I guess I'll just call an Uber.

Are you Brian?

Ah, Griffin, there you are.

I've decided that as your new boss,

I'm gonna require you to have a standing desk.

Aw, but I'll look like such an ass!

And that's not all.

You got to constantly tell everybody

what a good idea it is, and how important it is,

and how wrong they are for having traditional desks.

Can't I just work at it and mind my own business?

No, you have to be a freak about it.

Maybe it can just be my own personal choice,

and-and I'm not judging others for their choices.

No. You being right means everyone else is wrong.

That's what your standing desk is saying to the chair people.

From now on, you call them "chair people."

Oh, and three times a day you have to say,

"Sitting is the biggest killer in America."

Good night, Peter.

Good night, gender-transitioned co-worker

we had a whole meeting about.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, what you're ordering is illegal.

I don't care about that.

I want our beer cans made from the cheapest material possible.

But sir...

What about those metal toilets where prisoners make wine?

Use those.

But sir, if word got out about this, it'd be one

of the most notorious developments in beer history,

second only to Michelob Ultra Dragon Fruit Peach.

Peter, are you sure you heard Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly?

He actually said he wanted cheap, toxic materials

inserted into the brewery's supply stream?

Well, his eyes looked different

how he said it, but that was the gist.

Also, some of the brewery workers say very hurtful things

if a co-worker wears shorts.

Follow the money.

Mr. Griffin, it sounds like

you've brought me an interesting story.

What should I do with it, Ollie?

Make it news!

Ah, you got a standing desk, too?

Sitting's bad!

I know. They don't want to hear it, though.

Sir, there's a reporter here to see you.

Is it Kermit the Frog when he's wearing a trench coat?

That tells you he's a reporter.

Sir, an anonymous whistleblower in the brewery says

you've personally ordered the sourcing of cut-rate,

potentially toxic canning materials.

God, you're gorgeous.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I remind you, this is on the record.

You ever been with a man who's got a prostate

the size of a beefsteak tomato?

Oh, crap, it's Carter!

I bet he's mad I told the news about him.

I'll just do what Superman does.

Oh, hey, Carter.

Hello, citizen. Have you seen Peter?

Aw, he was just here!

Daddy, what's this about?

Did Peter screw something up at work?

No, I'm here because I've got important news.

Lois, everyone, I've left your mother,

and Tricia Takanawa is moving in with me.

Holy crap! What?!

I wanted you to know.

I'm in love!

Well, good for you for being honest, Carter.

It's never good

to keep something that matters to you a secret.

Tell her about the surf camp in Belize, Peter.

Tell her you're going.

Tell her it's your dream, and you deserve it.

Tell her it'll make you a better father.

What's that, Peter?

Ah, nothing. Just something stupid.

You're leaving Babs for Tricia Takanawa?!

And I've never been happier!

What about Mom? Where is Mom?

The sanitarium. The sanitarium?!

Yeah. I told her I was leaving her,

and she freaked out for no reason.

And I'll tell you, I don't know why they call it a "sanitarium."

That place is a filthy hell hole.

Oh, my God! That's awful!

Sorry. What'd you say? I was texting Tricia.

She just sent me a picture of her smoothie.

"Looks good, babe."

All right, class, let's get started.

Stewie, what are you doing?

And why are you dressed like that?

Because I'm your driver's ed instructor, Brian.

- You're what? - That's right.

I heard you lost your license,

and I'm gonna help you get it back.

Uh... okay.

Now, we've got a lot to cover.

But first, let's watch a safety video

designed to terrorize you into being a responsible motorist.

Come on, kid with a bright future.

I'll give you a no-seatbelt car ride

after this teen kegger party.

I don't know.

I'm going to Harvard-Yale tomorrow.

I'd hate to lose it all because of making poor choices.

Ah, come on, man. I just had a couple of alcohol beers.

And I'm his girlfriend 'cause he has great genitals.

And I'm impressed with reckless behavior,

so I'm going to reward him with my mouth while he's driving.

Now let's smoke a marijuana cigarette

while I'm speeding because of a dare.

Hey, careful. I'd hate for you to be unresponsive

to my pleasuring while you're driving because of intoxication.

Stewie, is this about anything

but oral stuff while you're driving?

It's about all facets of driving safety, yes.

I'm gonna fast-forward.

What a waste.

I'm a grizzled, seen-it-all veteran cop,

and I'm shaking my head at the senseless waste.

Sir, we've done our police tests.

The driver was being mouth-pleased

at the moment of impact.

Lois! Fat Ass!

Family, I want you to meet Tricia Takanawa.

Hello, everyone. So happy you came.

Yup, food's on the table,

and if anyone needs some dirty underpants,

the vending machine's right over there.

How nice.

Right where my mother's China cabinet used to be.

Lois, can I please have a dollar for the vending machine?

No, Peter. I'm getting our coats.

We're leaving.

No! Bill too crinkly!

Try again!

Bill too crinkly!

You dollar funny!

This must be so difficult for you.

It is. There's a lot of choices here.

But I ain't talking to you.

I thought you were supposed to be doing a news story on Carter,

not shacking up with him.

The truth is all I ever wanted