Mom

So, I'm out sick one day, and that's the day

they decide to pick study partners.

Now I have my choice between the weird dude

who always wears a bow tie

or the girl who writes with a feather pen.

Take bow tie guy.

- He's a smarty. - How do you know?

Oh, come on, when judging a man's intelligence, it goes

bow tie, straight tie, no tie, bolo tie.

Of course, if you're looking for sex,

it goes the other way.

That's true. My Victor used to wear

a bolo tie on occasion.

Did it get awkward because he's dead

or because I'm talking about my sex life?

Little bit of both.

Geez, Tammy,

you could just take the lid off and dip 'em.

Sorry. In prison, you only get one crack at the shaker.

I'm living the dream.

Oh, before I forget, I'm cleaning out my closet tomorrow.

- If anybody wants anything... - I'm in.

No bags, no jewelry.

I'm out.

What size shoe do you wear?

The size you wore when you were eight years old.

Oh, you're a man's size ten?

- I'll come. - Me too.

Great. Party in my closet.

That used to mean I was so drunk

I couldn't find my way out.

You ladies want some dessert?

- No, just the check. - Here you go.

Oh, are we in a hurry? I was enjoying the company.

Really? You wouldn't rather get home to your loving hu...

hu-hu-hu... horde of cats?

Nice save.

- I'm sorry. - Are you doing okay?

Okay.

It's just been real lonely since Victor passed.

Well, I don't have any plans tomorrow

if you want to come over and...

hang out.

That would be wonderful.

Look who's still in bed as the clock strikes noon.

Shh. Desert Animal Rescue is on.

They're pulling a coyote out of a septic tank.

Poor fella doesn't know they're trying to help.

Oh, damn it.

I'm not thrilled you're in here either,

but it is where we keep the coffee.

It's not about you. I'm trying to fight with Adam,

but auto correct keeps making my texts nice.

I meant to say "butt munch," not "butter munchkin."

Aw. He's your little butter munchkin.

Who just canceled our dinner plans

so he could meet with the bar-stool salesman.

He's opening a bar.

Drunks need something to fall off of.

I don't want to sound selfish, but I liked it better

when his life was empty and he had nothing to do

but pay attention to me.

Come on, swim to the harness.

They're your friends.

: What is the plan with her?

- There is no plan. - So she's gonna live here forever?

I hope not, but maybe.

You know she refers to our couch as her room?

I'm sorry, but I can't just kick her out.

I don't want you to.

Actually, I do, but it makes me feel bad about myself.

Hey, Christy, I'm super cozy out here.

You mind grabbing me some more Froot Loops?

Coming.

Figure it out, butter munchkin.

"Who dis?"

Not funny.

When. Thanks, Christy.

My pleasure.

Hey, can I tell you something?

I am so grateful to you and your mom

for taking me in.

I don't know where I'd be without you.

Of course. Stay as long as you need.

So weak.

Hey, Marjorie, come on in.

- Marge! - Hey, hello, ladies.

Mom, your play date is here.

I've been really looking forward to this.

All right, you kids have fun.

No prank phone calls, and don't use the oven.

Well, look at you, 40 minutes early.

Oh, sorry, just excited.

I've had today circled on my calendar since last night.

So, what do you want to do?

Well, I figured I'd be here all day,

so I brought a puzzle.

- Oh, my God, a puzzle? - Oh, my God, all day?

Thanks for helping me out.

Happy to.

In fact, I already cleaned out my closet

to make room for all the stuff

I'm gonna get from your closet.

And also, I'm your friend and I love you.

I should warn you: my closet's a little messy.

Oh, I'm sure it's no big...

Holy balls.

Did you fire your housekeeper?

Or is she buried under all this stuff?

I don't let Belinda come in here anymore.

Caught her wearing one of my hats and imitating me.

Okay, let's do this.

Jill, go get us four trash bags and we'll start sorting.

I'm on it.

Why four bags?

Stuff to toss, stuff to donate. Your haul, my haul.

What do we do if we both want the same thing?

Don't test me, Wendy. Don't test me.

"Dogs Galore," huh?

What happened, you couldn't fine "Cats Galore"?

I've already done Cats Galore.

And Cats Galore Two.

Cats Aplenty is on back-order till March.

Hey, look, I put together this little fella's face.

Oh, that's great, Tammy, but standard puzzling procedure

dictates that we start with the edges.

It goes edges, then corners,

then color clusters... E-C-C.

Congratulations, you just took an unfun thing

and made it less fun.

In prison, every puzzle led to a fistfight.

Then again, so did daylight.

Well, worst prison riot I was ever in

was over a game of Scrabble.

We were almost finished, and then the new girl swallowed

the W 'cause someone told her it was laced with acid.

I hate Scrabble.

It's got spelling and math.

It's just school in a box.

No offense, Marjorie, but you don't seem like the prison type.

Thanks to 39 years of recovery.

And these glasses on a chain.

So, what-what were you in for?

Bank robbery.

Here's a corner.

Wait, you robbed a bank?

The money was for a righteous political cause.

And, uh, I really wanted tickets to Steppenwolf.

Man, that is so cool. You had a reason.

I robbed an Outback Steakhouse 'cause I was high

and there was an Outback Steakhouse.

Ugh, I hate puzzles!

They're so frustrating and boring.

Ooh, I got one.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am so wearing this to class Monday.

Better to my reading because I'm definitely

getting called on.

Oh, that looks so good on you.

I'm gonna keep it.

Got to stop trying stuff on.

Did you change your mind about this, too?

I did not.

Jill, is that a real fur?

Sure is. And I never got a chance to wear it.

Couple of angry animal people got me

on the way out of the store.

Good for them.

You know what, I do want to keep that jacket.

Go limp.

Fine, keep it.

Thank you.

Oh, here's something I'm not gonna want back.

Ooh, I like that.

Oh, it still has the price tag on it.

Wow, this is, like, 110 hoodies.

And a car.

Yeah, I bought that the day my divorce became final.

Ugh, the day Baxter and I got divorced,

I treated myself to a Shamrock Shake.

- You okay? - Yeah, it's just hard

to think about that time.

Well, let's not, then.

What's in here?

That's my wedding dress.

Zip it, zip it, zip it!

Come on, guys, it's a closet party.

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

I'm sorry, you're right.

Oh, my God.

When did you cross a prairie in a covered wagon?

What were you thinking?

I bought that when I was pregnant.

I was gonna wear it to my baby shower.

I must have sh-shoved everything in that drawer

after I had the miscarriage.

Oh.

Go limp.

- It's okay, let it out. - (crying)

: It's so soft.