Jake Squared

whoo-hoo!

jake! Come on, jake!

yeah, just a minute.

Come on!

hi. I'm jake klein.

And I'm the writer and director of this film.

Although, when I'm not writing and directing, which,

unfortunately, is most of the time,

um... i also sell real estate.

Ex-wife, couple of kids... got to pay the bills. anyway...

anyway...

anyway, I've written and directed a few films that you

may or may not have heard of.

Uh... not exactly blockbusters,

but, you know, they... they got around.

You can imdb me and check them out.

So after my last film, I was kind of hot for a heartbeat.

But eight years later, still no film.

Came together... fell apart.

Money attached... fell apart.

Actors attached... actors attached...

actors attached... fell apart.

showbiz.

[ SEEING THINGZ'S "THE EEL" PLAYS ]

finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

Started spending more time selling houses.

But I was dying creatively.

I just really needed to make a film.

Like you would paint a painting or...

write a novel.

So I decided since I got

this great house, I'll use it myself, hm?

Fill it up with a lot of interesting people...

ladies.

...shoot the heck out of it...

see what I get.

[ SEEING THINGZ'S "BITS AND PIECES" PLAYS ]

hey. Jake. Yeah?

Why don't you come over here for a second?

I want you to introduce you to the folks.

The folks? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, folks,

mike vogel is gonna be playing me.

I'm playing him.

this is good.

This is... i mean... i...

it...

thanks, mike.

I mean, uh, jake.

Jake squared.

Get it?

good. That's good.

it's a little different. That was different.

I'll be back over here.

Got to keep him on his toes.

Pretty good-looking guy, huh?

But he's my pearl.

Jake!

jake!

Come on in!

It's warm!

Uh, come on.

Come on.

bet he never thought playing me came with such perks.

Now, remember, this film is about more than just sex.

It's about love.

'cause love is all there is.

ooh! Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on.

I'll... call her back.

Um... jake.

Yeah, boss?

I got this one.

You're kidding me, right?

Looks like this is one of those times where I got to step into the story.

How you girls doing?

Hey, jake? Jake? Is somebody talking to me?

Jake. Okay, this is bullshit. there's a little fly.

No, no. We had a deal, okay?

hey, have you paid attention to contracts here?

We had an understanding here for these type of scenes.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's that hard, I'll walk. I have no problem. What?

No, no. It's okay. It's all right. It's all right.

It's good. It's good. It's good.

Uh, I was getting, uh, a little waterlogged anyway here.

Hm. Aw. mm.

wha... uh, don't expect me to be stepping out of the plot anytime soon.

He's not great company, is he?

Aah! What the hell are you doing?

Where am I? better hurry up! holy shit!

You're the one who's always yelling and screaming about

missing the bus, and now it's you.

Okay, so you guys go, go, go!

Go get some breakfast or something.

I'm coming.

he said "coming."

shut up, you little freak!

Oh, um, by the way, you don't need to be embarrassed.

I'm not a child, you know. It's perfectly normal.

Yeah, me and viagra... it's a terrible combination.

actors, take note.

Never mess with your director. All right?

I guess now we know who calls the shots around here.

'cause I got to keep an eye on everything.

It's my job.

And, lucky for me, there's an app for that.

aww.

Hey, sheryl. Hey, jake.

Is this a good time?

Um... well, we're kind of in the middle of shooting.

oh. Sorry.

I guess you'll just call me when you can?

Jake! We're waiting for you.

no, no. we're, uh... you know, this is okay.

I can talk for a second.

yeah.

What are you wearing?

Do you not have a shirt on? Uh, no.

It's kind of like 100 degrees here.

What's the weather like in chicago?

Windy.

all right, let's roll.

Oh, sheryl, could you, uh, hold on for a second?

I got to check on what's going on.

Okay.

Driver!

Ye... no, no, no, no, no. I don't...

I don't know about that. oh, come on, dad. you know I'm doing great.

Okay, but you almost took the side-view mirror off a prius the other day.

But I didn't.

Okay. Okay. I'm just kidding.

You're doing fine. You can drive.

all right!

Shotgun. I called it. Uh, no way.

Dad has to sit in the front with me.

It's the law.

Jake!

When are you coming?

oh, my god. She said "coming," too.

Shut up, freak.

Jake!

um... i just want to see you.

Yeah. Hold on. Hold on.

Let me just, uh, put on this shirt.

No, I mean, see you see you...

in person see you.

Ah. Hmm.

Well, I want to... i want to see you, too.

It's been three months.

Yeah, I know.

It's been way too long.

Uh...

let me just, uh, work through this and, uh, we'll figure something out, okay?

I promise.

But listen, I got to get going.

No telling what's been going on since I was away, okay?

Okay.

all right.

All right, let's see what's going on here.

Sarah, can you please move your seat forward?

I'm as far forward as I can go.

My knees are rammed against the back of the seat.

You're too far from the wheel anyway. move it up.

Oh, my god! Move it up!

I'm practically going through the windshield, dad.

Hey! Cut it out!

I can't. I'm practically going through the back of the seat.

Stop it! Okay, okay!

That's enough!

That's it. now I'm stepping out of the scene.

But we're gonna be late for the bus. what...

see what you did?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's he doing?

Okay, okay. Just relax.

Just relax. Relax.

and stepping in.

Just give him a sec.

It'll be interesting.

ooh. I got an idea.

Oh, my god. Look at you.

Look at you! What are you doing?

You are fucking pathetic. You know that?

Now, I'm here, looking for love

and a meaningful relationship.

All you're thinking about is sex.