Vinnie Jones In The Country

I've got a fucking bald patch at the back. Look.

That's what happens. I've got all that hair there.

You wouldn't believe that. Look. No.

You reckon I should have the transplants?

Guy Ritchie said I've got to have transplants.

The trouble is the back of your head

looks like the back of your bollocks!

And then you're knackered.

Once that happens, you've got to shave it off.

I really am, honestly, conscious of that.

I've always worn hats.

I've always worn hats. My nan always said, "Your hair is gonna fall out, you'll wear a hat all the time."

She was right, then, wasn't she?

I moved onto my West Sussex farm nearly a year ago,

to take a break from LA

and get back to my country roots.

Oh, bollocks.

My passion project.

Transforming this 400-year-old farmyard

into a beautiful, residential courtyard.

Got plenty of doors about, Wobbly.

Yeah, we made a mistake, didn't we?

I've built a team of local likely lads

and made my builder, Wobbly, captain.

Just one external door. I don't want an internal door. Looks stupid.

Basically, everything and anything that no other fucker wants to do

gets pushed towards me

and I have to get it done.

What happened there, then? We had a bit of an accident.

A shit show.

I'm putting all my eggs in one basket,

that Wobbly gets this done for me by the end of the summer.

We've got to be out of here by...

1st October is the deadline.

So I've got four bathrooms,

two bedrooms

and a massive lounge to do.

Watch this space!

Lucky for Wobbly, then, he's got a gaffer...

Let's go. Bang!

..like me.

What I do is I just keep... Quicker and quicker. Bbb-bbb-bbb!

And I'm there. Bang, I'm out of that. And in.

Once we've started one job, he's already thinking about the next.

He'll turn his back on one thing. Bang! He's onto another.

Ho ho ho!

Over the average course of a day, he might have six or seven things

that he's trying to get done.

Right. What are you doing? That. How can I help you?

Right. Keep him going. More slate.

More of this. More wood? Right, done that.

Brilliant. Right. And get shit done.

Ready to rock and roll.

Look at all this shit.

We're gonna have to have a big, fucking tidy-up here.

This morning, I've got my old mucker,

Big George, to help me out.

Half a tooth fell out.

Eating a bacon sandwich from the greasy cafe up the road.

Cor, mate.

We started the conservation work on the old Sussex barn back in the winter.

This is a lovely big function room we've built here.

Now this is the last bit. This is the fireplace.

Giving old buildings

a new lease of life is what this project is all about.

So, today, we're gonna make a mantelpiece

out of salvaged oak beams.

Shave this up, so it's nice and straight. Right? The four sides.

Brickwork up here a bit.

Yeah. Build up...

in there and then we cap it off. Nice.

Like that. Right. That's the plan.

Let's take this down to the sawmill and get it done nice.

You know, these old buildings cost a fortune,

but I'm restoring these for another 100 years.

You know? So it's a legacy for me, as well.

Don't you worry, Mick. We've got it. We've done it, Mick.

Go on, then.

Got a splinter?

A big lump, coming up on my hand. Look.

You've burst a vein, mate.

But, in the courtyard,

Wobbly faces his own world of pain.

Right? So, what happened?

The drain was here.

OK?

So what I've done is I've cut a nice channel.

As you can see. Here.

And I've moved the pipe to there. Great.

I come here on Monday

and, fuck me, it's full up with concrete.

So I've now got to dig most of this out

to connect that pipe in.

And you wonder why I'm behind.

Everybody is pulling this way and that way.

We've got a lot of Chiefs and not enough Indians.

Can I call him...?

Wobbly will have his view.

I know what I want. Unless he can come up with something

pretty specific

and pretty amazing, it will be done my way.

Why did someone fill it up with concrete?

You tell me. I don't know. Because they was told to.

By somebody...

higher than me.

I'll leave Wobbly to make a mountain out of a mole hole!

While me and George get the oak beams to the sawmill for a new lease of life.

How are you doing, Vinnie? Good. How's it going? Very well. Very well, indeed.

A bit of a job on. OK.

They're about 250 years old.

Come on.

Right, we'll leave it with you, then. Leave it with us.

The trouble is, nobody fucking listens,

so I'm probably best at delegating and being ignored

and then just getting on and doing it myself.

He has completely fucked it up, so I've now got

probably a day's work, which I didn't need to do.

And the worst thing is,

because this is completely sealed in concrete now,

fuck knows what I'm gonna do.

Somehow, I've got to gently chip away at this concrete,

expose that pipe

and pray to God that I don't break it.

I've got a hammer... and my nephew!

So there we go.

Meet my nephew.

So that is it.

At the sawmill, me and George are keen to make an escape.

Hello, ladies.

They've all come to see you, George! Do you want some selfies?

But our swift exit is ambushed by the accounts department.

Come on, George!

Thank you very much. All right. George!

Right, everyone back to work, please! We'll see you Wednesday.

Originally, this was gonna be a bathroom.

He then decided he wants the bathroom next door.

So this is now a storeroom.

Next week, it might be a sauna! Who knows?

It could be a Jacuzzi.

It could be the changing room for a swimming pool.

We just don't know, do we?

It could be anything. It changes, day by day.

It's a major bollock. Bye!

I'm off!

When I'm not around, keeping a close eye on the paperwork...

is my PA.

The "PA" actually stands for Pain in the Arse.

This is Mick's... Eurgh!

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

She's been trying to keep me and the lads in check for a year now.

What happens is, is the rubbish all gets mixed up.

Even though I've got a recycle bin and a regular rubbish bin,

they get complacent

and they are constantly eating.

They're boys. They just eat all the time.

So not only am I having to talk to the boys about safety procedures,

including fire extinguishers and first-aid kits,

you know, there has to be some kind of order, that's just how it is.

If I wasn't here doing that,

I dread to think

how crazy it could get.

I think they enjoy it. They enjoy winding me up.

It's part of their fun.

Exhibit A.

Mick! Yes, you may take your trousers down,

because I'm about to spank your bottom!

Bend over.

Yes, I do.

Three of the best!

Will you now put your recycling in the recycling bin?

Recycling!

Right. OK, right. Well done.

You can leave now.

A day later...

and my 250-year-old beams...

Oh, nice! Nice.

..have been through the mill.

So it's really light, because it's so dry. Oh, that's lovely.

Let's throw this one on. Perfect.

OK.

Great. That worked out really well.

Get the mixer going. Rock and roll.

Get the oak in place. And happy days.

The lads had better be ready for my return.

We're gonna do this fireplace.

Get these beams on there, cut them in there

and try and make it look half-decent.

Whether it happens or not, I don't know.

We'll find out, won't we?

You know what he's like. Rush, rush, rush!

This all suits me. I think it all comes from the dressing room.

I've been in a dressing room since I was six years old.

You're like, "Come on, lads, let's rock and roll, let's keep it going."

It's the same thing here. I'll get the oak. I'll get the sand.

George goes and gets the cement.

Right, Wobbly, what are you doing? Can you get the roofers going?

It's just nuts. But what would we do if we weren't doing it?

We'd be sitting at home, watching

one of the old Jerry Springer repeats, wouldn't we?

Oi, Bailey! Bailey, hurry up!