The Court Jester

Life

Could not better be

Better be

Better be

It could not possibly

No, sirrah-sirrah, siree

Songs could not gayer be

Sound your do, re or mi

Re, mi, fa, so, la, si

Fa, la, la, la

Follow me

Why be gloomy?

Cut thy nose off to spite thy face

Listen to me

A nose is hard to replace

Skies could not bluer be

Hearts in love, truer be

I say for you or me

Life couldn't possibly, not even probably

Life couldn't possibly better be

Life could not better be

On a medieval spree

Knights full of chivalry

Villains full of villainy

You'll see as you suspect

Maidens fair in silks bedecked

Each tried and true effect

For the umpteenth time we resurrect

We did research

Authenticity was a must

Zooks! Did we search

And what did we find?

A lot of dust

After the dust had cleared

Half the cast had a beard

And I'm the one, as you can see

For whom the bell tolls merrily

We asked Shakespeare

And Francis Bacon would they declare

Which one wrote this

And they both said, "Get out of there!"

Which brings us to the plot

Plot we've got quite a lot

As it unfolds, you'll see

What starts like a scary tale

Ends like a fairy tale

And life couldn't possibly

Better be

This is the story of how the destiny of a nation

was changed by a birthmark.

A royal birthmark,

on the royal posterior of a royal infant child.

Here, returning to his castle, is King Roderick.

Roderick the Tyrant who, some months before,

seized the throne by a massacre of the entire royal family.

But uneasy lies Roderick's crown.

For rumor hath it that an infant,

the rightful heir to the throne, had survived the massacre,

and even now, was being cared for by a group in the forest.

A group led by an elusive, dashing outlaw known only as

the Black Fox.

"The child lives. Death to the Tyrant. The Black Fox."

The Black Fox again.

To the castle, quick.

My kingdom seething with revolt.

Cutthroats and assassins in every tree.

Why must I be surrounded by fools?

Ravenhurst.

- Ravenhurst. - Sire.

Could you have been so incompetent,

bungled so horribly, as to have permitted that child to live?

Sire, there is no child.

My men assure me that none of the royal family escaped alive.

Believe me, Sire, this is nonsense.

Nonsense? You call it nonsense, Ravenhurst?

Is it nonsense that I cannot ride in my own domain

without being murderously attacked?

My child, I came within an inch of my life.

Oh, Father.

Each day, some new insurrection.

Who is this Black Fox?

Oh, just some ridiculous adventurer with a handful of rabble.

Rabble today, but an army tomorrow.

We need help to wipe them out, men and arms.

Aye, an alliance with our good friend Griswold of the North.

Aye, alliance, and quickly.

He arrives tomorrow for the great tournament.

- Alliance with Griswold? - Sire, this rabble can be crushed.

Griswold has men and arms.

We need no uncouth interloper from the north.

Uncouth, yes, but Griswold is strong.

Perhaps too strong.

Perhaps our friend Ravenhurst fears an alliance

would put Griswold and not himself at the King's right hand.

- You shall die for this. - One of us will.

Stop. Stop, I say.

Put up your sword, you fool.

- Sire. But, Sire. - Silence. Silence.

- Come, Sire. - And you, too.

Must we quarrel amongst ourselves?

Do you think I could make alliance?

Griswold is rich.

What could I offer him?

That which he desires most in the world.

Marriage, Sire.

With your daughter, the Fair Gwendolyn.

Marriage with Griswold?

- Never. - What's that you say?

He's a brute and a lout.

Brute or not, lout or not, if I so decide, you will marry Griswold.

I will not.

I am the king.

If it pleases me, you will marry Griswold.

If it pleases you so much, you marry Griswold.

When I marry, I marry for love.

Someone dashing and romantic who will carry me off

as a princess should be carried off.

Who fills your head with this childish fiddle-faddle?

Ah, I know.

Griselda.

She of the evil eye. Take the witch out and burn her.

Harm one hair of her head, and I throw myself from the highest turret.

Gwendolyn, you go too far.

Dire news, Sire.

I've just come from the forest.

The child lives.

- The child lives? - Aye, Sire.

How know you this is the royal child and not some outrageous impostor?

Because, Sire, disguised as a member of their group, I saw him,

and I can assure you that, like his royal ancestors,

and on the same spot as his royal ancestors,

he bears the royal birthmark.

The...

Purple pimpernel?

The purple pimpernel.

Oh.

Then why stand you here, you incompetent jackanapes?

To horse. To the forest. Hunt them down.

Kill the infamous child who claims to be the rightful king.

And destroy, forever, this traitorous fiend who calls himself the Black Fox.

Only the sharpest eye, the keenest nose

The quickest ear and the fleetest toes

Can ever outfox the Fox

They'll never outfox the Fox

Only the stoutest arm, the bravest heart

With a magic charm and a good head start

Will ever outfox the Fox

They'll never outfox the Fox

Those who try to tangle with my derring-do

Wind up at the angle that herring do

They hold their head like very dead herring do

Only a sprightly sprite, the nimblest elf

The wickedest witch or the devil himself

Can ever outfox the Fox

They'll never outfox the Fox

Whenever they try to find me

They find me where I am not

I'm hither and yon, I'm there and gone

I'm Johnny-Not-On-The-Spot

I'm out on a limb, they think

I'm down on the ground in a wink

My enemies say, "Gadzooks, it spooks!"

Shivering in their socks

They know that they'll never I'm far too clever

They'll never outfox the Fox

The Fox, there's only one of me Till suddenly, there's two of me

When two is what you see of me Gadzooks!

Three of me

That's the proper score of me Three of us is the core of me

And we can tell you... Whoops!

Sorry! Four of me

- Fa, la, la - Fa, la, la

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la

There's one of me, two of me, three of me, four of me

Five, six, seven

Sorry, no more of me

Each as strong as ten are we

Very stout-hearted men are we

We're off to right a wrong

And we'll right it right or wrong

I'm hither and yon, I'm there and gone

I'm Johnny-Not-On-The-Spot

Only the sharpest eye, the keenest nose

The quickest ear, the fleetest toes

Can ever outfox the Fox

Can ever outfox, can ever outfox

Can ever outfox the Fox

Any one of us can be

At any time the Fox

But I tell you confidentially

That I'm the Fox

No, I'm, no, I'm, no, I'm the Fox!

- Oh, I'm the Fox - No, I'm the Fox

- Is he the Fox? - No, me the Fox

- If he's the Fox - Don't squeeze the Fox

- I'll choose the Fox Don't lose the Fox

Because no matter who's the Fox

They'll never, never, never, never

Never, never, never, never, never, never

- Never outfox the Fox - Never outfox the Fox