South Park: (Not Suitable For Children)

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Cred has more electrolytes

than Gatorade or Prime.

And now Cred has a new flavor: Cherry Bubblegum.

Eric, do you really need to bring three bottles

of that drink to school?

Mom, a kid today is defined by their hydration drink.

I have to have more Cred than anyone else.

* *

* I got Cred, bitches *

* I got Cred *

* I got Cred, bitches *

* I got Cred *

* I got Kiwi Lime *

* I got Gooble Grape *

* You got no Cred, bitches *

* But I got mine *

* We got Cred, bitches, we got Cred *

* Our teeth are blue, bitches *

* Our tongues are red... *

Yeah, but it's, like, seriously,

look at how it's suddenly everybody now.

Like that Spencer Hollis kid.

He never even cared about Cred,

he just drinks it 'cause some stupid influencer

said it's cool now.

Hey, hey, Clyde, where's your Cred?

Oh, um, it's in my... I-I already drank it.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

Clyde likes Cred so much that he drank all his before noon.

That's a real Cred drinker.

Unlike all the poser Cred drinkers

like Spencer Hollis!

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Spencer, you're a fucking poser!

It's literally everywhere now.

These crazy hydration drinks that say they're healthy,

but are loaded with fake sugars and not safe for children.

Why now? Why are kids suddenly so into these things?

Online influencers.

They promote this stuff to kids to make money.

I don't know what kind of scumbags would push adult things

on something they know kids will watch.

You guys, we have a big problem.

-What is it? -It's about the South Park

elementary art teacher.

Mrs. Streibel? What about her?

We just found out that she's been...

doing pornographic videos on OnlyFans.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.

There's gonna be a big meeting tonight,

and everybody's gonna see it.

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Everyone, let's try to be civil here.

Be civil? How are we supposed to go home

and explain to our children that their art teacher is a slut?

She is not a slut.

Mrs. Streibel is a woman engaging in a legal activity

on a website that is for adults only.

Of course kids are gonna see it.

They see everything on the Internet.

Well, the problem is you guys buy your kids phones, okay?

Just like you buy them all these unhealthy hydration drinks.

Oh, don't turn this around on us.

We can't control what our kids drink

or what they watch.

They're your kids.

Many teachers are struggling to get by

and need ways to supplement their income.

Mrs. Streibel makes close to minimum wage as a teacher,

but on OnlyFans, she makes an extra $10,000 a week.

It doesn't matter how much she made,

we're talking about someone who influences our children.

Did she say $10,000 a week?

Listen, we have suspended

Mrs. Streibel indefinitely, okay?

But over the next few days,

you should probably talk to your kids

about what they might have seen, m'kay.

Uh, hey, Clyde, w-why don't you come over here and have a seat?

What?

Uh, have a seat, pal. We need to talk to you.

Clyde...

we're understanding that some tough things

have been going on at school.

Yes. Yes, they have.

All right, well, we know that some of the stuff

you're dealing with might be kind of disturbing.

Yes, it's totally disturbing, yes.

All right, Clyde, well, we want to try and help you.

Really? You do?

Oh, thank God. Finally.

Yeah, pal, let-let me explain to you

what "double penetration" is.

Double penetration?

See, in your art teacher's OnlyFans page,

her and two men, who love each other very much,

wanted to express that love...

Dad, nobody cares about double penetration.

My life at school is awful because you don't let me drink

hydrating sports drinks like all the other kids.

Clyde, we've told you, those things are filled

with additives and fake sugar,

and they're not good for children.

You're not even my real mom, Janice,

so why don't you shut the fuck up?

Clyde, that's enough.

Every other kid at school is allowed to have it.

They all have Cred, but I have zero Cred

because my dad and his stupid girlfriend

think it's bad for me.

Why do you want to be like all the other kids?

Shut up, Janice, you're not my mom!

All right, Clyde, we're trying to have a nice talk with you

about double penetration,

and you can just go to your room now.

Fine!

Thanks a lot for making sure your son

is the only kid in school without any Cred!

It's like nobody understands me, you know?

Like, all these stupid boomers and people over 40

don't know how hard it is for young people.

-Yeah. -Like, yo, if you guys

feel the same way, just leave a comment down below

and smash that like button.

You know, the most important thing is just to be yourself.

And when I feel like I can't be myself,

that's when I need a hydration drink that'll pick me up.

That's when I need Cred.

It's the coolest sports drink in the world.

Cred is 100% sugar-free.

Cred has electrolytes so you can ride your bike.

And also, Cred has more vitamin A

than your body could possibly ever use.

I can't feel my face.

Drink Cred or you're a piece of shit.

Drink Cred at your school today.

Hey, guys, I know there's a lot of influencers out there

trying to get your attention.

And I just hope that you'll maybe take a moment

to check out what I have to say here on My OnlyFans page.

I hope you're all doing great, and if you're watching this PPV,

I hope you'll consider subscribing.

If you want me to give a shout-out

for your social media, I can do that.

And if you want a custom, just let me know

if there's anything special you want to see.

-What the fuck are you doing? -Oh! Hey, Sharon,

just supplementing my income.

Are you serious right now?

All right, all right, Sharon, yes,

I am an OnlyFans model.

And I'm not ashamed of it.

Goddamn it, Randy.

What is with all the stigma Americans have anyway, huh?

It's just my penis, Sharon. It's not a big deal.

No, it's definitely not a big deal.

Okay, good. Thank you.

All I'm doing is taking back control

of my sexuality on a platform

that I can benefit from financially.

So you're just gonna sit here and jack off

for four hours a week just to make a few extra dollars?

I jack off two hours a week anyways.

Now I just do it a little bit more

and make enough money to pay for the increase in gas prices.

If your children find out about this,

they are going to leave home.

Children aren't allowed on OnlyFans, Sharon.

It's totally safe.

Kids aren't gonna see this.

Hey, Butters, Tweek, you guys got a second?

-For what? -Okay, you know how, like,

some kids in this school really like Cred

and others just pretend to,

but really they're posers like Spencer Hollis?

Well, I think we should start a Cred affinity group.

What's an affinity group?

It's where you, like, divide people into groups

and single them out in order to make other people feel bad.

See, it's like we're the legit Cred drinkers,

and we should just let the very coolest kids

into our affinity group.

Oh, hey, Clyde.

-Where's your Cred? -Oh, it's just, uh...

-it's, uh, in my backpack again. -Oh, that's cool.

You guys think we should let Clyde into our affinity group?

Yeah, I like Clyde.

Oh, hey, Stan. Do you want to be in our affinity group?

-What's an affinity group? -It's like where people separate

into little clubs by, like, skin color or religious beliefs

and talk about how much better they are than everyone else.

Usually, white people can't be in an affinity group,

but it's for a drink, so they have to let us.

That's not what an affinity group is.

Uh, yeah, well, no one's inviting you, Kyle.

'Cause it looks like you don't even have any Cred.