Being John Malkovich

Craig, honey, it's time for bed.

Craig, honey, time to get up.

Craig, honey, time to get up. Craig, honey, time to get up.

- Craig, honey, time to get up. - Lotte.

I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.

Come on. Morning, sweetheart.

Morning.

What are you gonna do today?

Working in the workshop.

I was thinking.

Maybe you'd feel better if you got a job.

We've been over this.

Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

I know, honey, but I thought, you know,

maybe something else until this puppet thing turns around.

Derek Mantini doesn't need a day job.

Not everybody can be Derek Mantini.

I gotta get to the shop. We have a shipment of kitty litter coming in.

Will you do me a favor? Will you take a look at Elijah today?

He's not feeling very good again.

Which one is Elijah again?

- The chimp, honey. - Yeah, okay.

On the lighter side of the news,

in Westchester County today puppeteer Derek Mantini

thrilled onlookers as he performed The Belle of Amherst

with a 60-foot Emily Dickinson puppet.

How dreary to be somebody!

How public, like a frog

To tell one's name the livelong day

Gimmicky bastard.

You don't know lucky you are, being a monkey.

Because consciousness...

is a terrible curse.

I think, I feel, I suffer.

And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work.

And they won't allow it...

Because I raise issues.

While we enjoy the pleasures of an uneasy love

and abandon ourselves to fornication,

we were spared God's severity.

Say no more, I beg you,

and cease from complaints like these

which are so far removed from the true depths of love.

Look, a puppet show!

Okay, honey, just for a minute. Mommy's waiting.

Even during the celebration of Mass,

when our prayers should be pure,

lewd visions of these pleasures

take such a hold upon my unhappy soul

that my thoughts are on their very wantonness instead of my prayers.

Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed by the movement of my body.

I took my fill of my wretched pleasures in you

and this was the sum total of my love.

You motherfucker!

Oh, Craig!

Honey, not again!

Why do you do this to yourself, honey?

I'm a puppeteer.

Seven and a half, right?

Uh, yeah.

I'll take you through it.

Seven and a half.

Thank you.

Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?

No. Um... My name's Craig Schwartz.

I have an interview with Dr. Lester.

Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.

Schwartz.

- Pardon? - Schwartz.

I...I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.

My name is Schwartz.

My name is Warts?

Mr. Juarez?

- Oh. Yes? - Chest?

I said, "Yes?"

You suggest what?

I'm sorry, I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants.

Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.

Come in, Mr. Juarez.

Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.

- Security! - No, sir, it's...

It's just a little mix-up with your secretary. My name is Craig Schwartz.

I tried to explain that to her.

She's not my secretary.

- She's what they call an executive liaison. - Ah.

And I am not banging her, if that's what you're implying.

No, sir, not at all. I think I must have simply misspoke.

Ah. Well, now,

tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to Lestercorp?

Uh, well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.

Are you? All right. Let's see about that.

Tell me, which of these two letters comes first? This one or this one?

The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir.

Damn, you're good.

- I was trying to trick you. - I see.

Well, then, put these in order.

Yes, sir.

Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

- Yes, sir. - Genghis Khan Capone. Fine.

Damn fine woman, Floris.

I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

You don't have a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.

Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy.

I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on that one.

You see, she's got her doctorate

in speech impedimentology from Case Western.

I apologize if you can't understand a word I'm saying.

No, I understand perfectly.

Oh, it's very kind of you to lie.

You see, I've been very lonely

in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

You got the job.

Any questions?

Well, just one.

Why are these ceilings so low?

Low overhead, my boy!

We pass the savings on to you.

But seriously, that'll all be covered in orientation.

Welcome to the seven and a half floor of the Mertin Flemmer Building.

As you'll now be spending your work day here,

it is important that you learn a bit about the history of this famous floor.

Hello, Don. Hello, Wendy.

Don, I was wondering,

do you know why our workplace has such low ceilings?

It's an interesting story.

Many years ago in the late 1800s,

James Mertin, an Irish ship captain,

came to this town and decided to erect an office building.

He called this building the Mertin Flemmer Building after himself

and someone else, who local legend has it was named Flemmer.

Well, one day, old Captain Mertin received an unexpected visitor.

Captain Mertin?

Aye. What want ye, girl child?

I'm not a child, but rather an adult lady of miniature proportions.

I see. Well, if it's charity you're after,

be gone with ye, you foul demon!

I'm not asking for alms

but, rather, the ear of a kind man with a noble heart.

Well, speak then, if you must.

Captain Mertin, I'm afraid that

the world was not built with me in mind.

Doorknobs are too high, chairs are unwieldy

and high-ceilinged rooms mock my stature.

Why cannot there be a place for me to work that's safe and comfortable?

Thy story has moved me like no other.

Therefore, I shall make ye...

me wife.

And... And I shall build a floor for ye

between the seventh and the eighth in me own building

so at least there'll be one place on God's green earth

where ye and your accursed kind can live in peace.

So that's the story of seven and a half.

Since the rents are considerably lower,

this floor has been adopted by businesses which,

for one reason or another, have been forced to cut corners.

After all, the overhead is low.

Moving story, huh?

Unfortunately, the story's bullshit.

Listen, I'm Craig Schwartz. I'm just starting out at Lestercorp.

Where are you starting out?

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, shut up!

- Shut up! I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, honey.

Sorry, honey. Sorry, honey.

- Shut up! - Sorry!

Help! She's locking me in a cage.

Isn't that cute? I just taught him that today.

Yeah, that's adorable.

- You want to do some dishes for me? - Put that down.

Here, Elijah. Here you go.

You know, I have an appointment tomorrow with Elijah's shrink.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. I think we're finally getting down

to the bottom of this acid stomach, aren't we?

Come here.

Just get down from the...

She thinks that it's some sort of childhood trauma.

- Feelings of inadequacy as a chimp, you know? - Mmm-hmm.

Careful. Isn't that interesting?

Mmm-hmm.

I find it really interesting.

So, honey, have you thought any more about us having a baby?

Uh...

You know, I think it's just so tough right now, economically and all...

Mmm-hmm.

...that I think maybe we should just wait and see if this job thing pays off.

- You know? - Okay.

I was thinking about what you were saying

about the orientation film being bullshit.

Yes?

I think maybe you're on to something.

And 50 other lines to get into a girl's pants.

No, no!

No, I was just talking about the... You know, about the film.

Here's the thing.

If you ever got me,

you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

I wasn't... I was talking about the film.

Ooh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet, mmm.