The L Word - First Season

Bette, come here!

What?

You're ovulating.

I'm ovulating.

Let's make a baby.

Let's make a baby.

Why don't you get dressed? And I'll drop you off on my way to work.

- Hey, Tim. - Bye.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Ah! I am so ready.

- It's coming. - Thank you.

Hi, Shane.

She doesn't talk to anyone before her morning shot.

Here, you go, Don Juan.

She's a kid.

- A kid. - Whatever. It's fine.

- I mean, don't freak out. - Okay.

All right, later, guys.

- Bye! - Bye, Lisa.

See you, Shane.

- Whoa, you're not leaving already? - Yeah, I got a 9:00, guys.

- See you. - See you.

Hi.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I'll meet you at the doctor's.

Hey, what time are we supposed to be at what's-his-name's?

- 11:00. - Okay. Bye, guys.

Oh, my God, is it happening today?

- Is what today? - The insemination.

Oh. Mm...

So you're doing it at the doctor's office this time?

But first, Dan Foxworthy.

- No way. - Who?

Why don't I know what you're talking about?

Because you don't read.

And what are you, the intellectual of life?

Dan Foxworthy is, like,

the super-exclusive shrink to the stars.

He was on our list of L.A.'s Best Self-Improvement gurus.

- How did you get that appointment? - I just called and asked.

Don't tell Bette I told you, okay?

But what are you guys doing? I mean, you don't need a shrink.

We're just checking in.

We're about to do this incredibly major thing.

But wait, you guys have the best relationship

of anybody I know, gay or straight.

I just want to make sure we're good.

Sorry.

Hi.

Could I offer you a ride?

- I missed you so much. - I missed you.

- Is that all you have? - That's all I have.

I can't believe you're here.

Come on.

She's always running late.

She had a board meeting, then she had a meeting with an artist.

Bette's the director of the California Art Center.

I see.

And she's probably going to be really stressed about time.

After this, we have to go get sperm.

We're trying to have a baby,

and our friend Sean's donating.

Sorry I'm late.

James, yeah, I got to go in a minute.

No, no, no, no. The artwork is way too delicate,

it's being flown in from Paris,

and Annie is already a complete and total nervous wreck.

Just call Adams Fine Art Movers.

Tell them, if they want to do business with C.A.C. again...

exactly. Okay, great. Thanks. Bye.

Okay, here I am.

So...

We are heading north right now towards the Hollywood Hills.

A little further to the right is the Hollywood sign,

and if you keep going all the way in that direction,

you hit the Pacific ocean.

Oh, can we go?

Yeah, whenever you want...

As often as you want.

Do you want to tell me what the thinking is

behind trying to have a child together

when your sexual relationship has been pretty shitty

- for going on three years? - It's not shitty.

- It may not be perfect... - There's a lot more to a relationship than sex.

We've been together for seven years.

I know plenty of couples who still have sex after seven years.

It's not like we never have sex.

A lot of heterosexual couples have children

when their relationships aren't perfect.

You just obviously don't understand

what happens in a lesbian relationship.

I knew this was a bad idea. I don't believe

that a straight male therapist can possibly understand.

Early sex is passionate.

It's illicit, exciting.

It still has that...

... factor, but very quickly

a kind of symbiosis develops.

It especially happens between two women

who are doing the work of making a serious commitment to one another,

and when that merging occurs,

the intense mutual dependency can be a deterrent to sexual intimacy.

Oh, my God.

The lesbian urge to merge.

- We have to stop now. - Oh.

- Do you want to schedule another session? - We'll let you know.

I think Tina and I need to talk.

What about this insemination?

That's not up for discussion.

- Not up for discussion? - No, it's not.

I quit my job.

I was a pretty successful development executive.

Now I want to relax and prepare my body for pregnancy.

That's what I'm doing. I'm ready to start a family.

We're both ready to start a family. Right?

Absolutely.

Right.

Okay. Great.

So this is it.

- This is our neighborhood. - I can't believe this is our home.

- It's very traditional. - Wait till you get to know it.

- What do you mean? - It's just, uh,

not as traditional as you might think.

So here's your new home.

I can't believe I'm finally here.

This has been the longest six months in history, Tim.

Yeah, but your studio's finally ready.

Okay, so this used to be a garage.

Until a few days ago. I did a remodel on it for you.

Go on.

Try it out. Come on.

Oh, my God!

I love it!

I have to go, all right? I'll be back soon.

What a fucking auspicious occasion.

I'd love to break open a bottle of champagne,

but I've got to get back to work sometime today.

- I'm sorry it's not more enticing. - Hey, don't worry,

I do this all the time.

I love his new work.

He's using paint so much more freely.

Yeah, I don't remember his work

having this much texture.

Come on! Oh!

I don't want you to be stressed out, honey.

I... I know this is your first time curating for me,

and I'm going to give you a lot of support...

Hey, listen, this'll lighten your load.

Guess what Tina has between her legs.

Close.

A jar of Sean Heaney's sperm.

I kid you not.

She's keeping it warm.

Well, supposedly, once it's been ejaculated,

it survives longer if you keep it at body temperature.

Huh?

Oh, uh... hold on a second.

Uh, it's only about half an inch,

but they say it's quality, not quantity.

God, it's repugnant.

I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

Yeah, Tina said I could swim here whenever.

They're uptight at The Chateau.

- How are they uptight? - Well, they don't let you swim naked.

It is a public pool.

All right, I'm going to take a look at this,

and while I'm gone...

Well, remember how I told you

that there's a fair amount of evidence now

that it's more likely to take if you're aroused.

She's not serious.

Am I supposed to fuck you right here?

I think it would help.

This is just...

This is... This is too weird for me, I... I mean... I...

I just... You know, I really...

Frankly, I find it incredibly inappropriate that she even suggested it.

You know, I mean, I bet she would never

do that with a straight couple.

Come in.

Could you come here a minute, please?

You might want to take a look at this.

Shouldn't they be moving more?

Yeah, that's what I wanted to show you.

I am so sorry to tell you, but that stuff wouldn't get anyone pregnant.

Those little fellas just don't have what it takes.

- Hello. - Hi.

What kind of, um, positions do you have available?

Because I might be looking for a job.

- Oh, um, cashier. - Really?

- Yeah. - Excellent.

Um, could I have an application?

- Yeah. - Great.

- Oh, Tina, where is she? - There she is.

- Ah! - Your ladyship, please,

don't jar anything.

It's not like it's going to dislodge if she sits down too hard, Alice.

There's nothing to dislodge.

Sean's sperm is lackluster.

He has low motility. No motility, actually.