The Substitute (Vikaren) (Vikaren)

Once upon a time,

there was a blue planet by the name of Earth.

On this planet, some six billion people lived together,

for better or for worse,

in war and in love.

But there was also life on another planet.

The creatures there were not as diverse,

for they only knew war,

not love.

So mankind had something

they really wanted...

...namely. Iove.

That is how our story begins.

Yet as with all good stories,

a lot can go wrong.

We have a very special guest with us today,

the author of a bestselling book...

In the studio with me today is sociologist Jesper Osboll.

Welcome to the program, Mr. Osboll.

You have written a book called...

What the devil is that?

Now, according to the book...

That fox has come around again!

Where are you at?

You know I like it nice and quiet around here.

Those are the rules. Is that clear?

I ain't never seen such a flock of scrawny birds in my life!

You lousy chicken shits!

Quiet down, you hear,

or it's a barbeque for you all.

That's right-- yeah, you!

What the fuck was that?

How about that?

Come here.

Come on. That's it.

That's it.

You write that unlike any other creature,

man has an inherently unequal ability to have...

And this makes us the most powerful creature

in the universe-- the ability to love, to show compassion,

makes us unique. Mr. Osboll,

these are powerful words.

Well, we aren't exactly perfect physical specimens.

I mean, we can't live under water,

we can't fly, we can't run very fast.

We quickly break into a sweat.

We get cold very easily.

However, we are champions of supporting one another

in times of need.

You mean, we possess the ability to love?

We could love each other, yes.

Is that what you describe in your book

as the most powerful force in the universe?

Well, that's perhaps an oversimplification,

but mankind's ability to feel empathy makes us

unique as individuals.

And sir, whom do you love?

Uh, me.

Come on, you look better with short hair, I mean it.

Well, I'd rather have long hair-- it's better.

It looks cool.

You look cute.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's ugly, ugly, ugly.

It's ugly, ugly, ugly.

Lots of boys my age have long hair. - It's ugly, ugly, ugly.

It's so cool, cool, cool. - It's ugly, ugly, ugly.

It's so cool, cool, cool. - You'll be my daughter then.

Carolatta. - No, mom, my name's Carl.

I like it, and so does dad.

Your dad likes it, huh? What does he know?

He is not exactly up on fashions.

Is this okay?

Is that you?

What's that stink?

Wake up, man. Look at us!

Is that your hair or your clothes?

You wreak. - He's right, man, you stink like hell.

You smell gross.

Hey, Malthe, Tobias.

Would you like to hear a story?

Once there were two testicles.

The left one was called Tobias.

The right one was called Malthe.

And they were really sad.

Albert, you do know that you're sick.

But they were both homeless.

Why were they homeless? - Shut the hell up, man.

They had no prick! - Ha ha, very funny, you spaz.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, children,

could we have a little quiet please?

Good.

Okay, first of all,

I'd really like to introduce you to...

to, uh... - Rikke.

Rikke.

Rikke will now be in your class.

I hope that every one of you will be nice to her.

Rikke comes from-- from...

Aalborg. - Aalborg.

Aalborg? - What?

Aalborg is up north, but of course you knew that.

Rikke has-- she came down here with--

Mom. - Yeah, I knew that, Rikke.

Anyway, have a seat. I think there's room over there.

Unfortunately, your teacher Miss Jette

has come down with a bad case of Salmonella poisoning

and will be away for several weeks.

But anyway, every cloud has a silver lining.

But... - So you're going to have a sub.

Did you hear that? A sub!

Yeah! - But...

I can assure you that you're fortunate. - But, but...

Yes, Lotte. - My father is a teacher.

And so is my mother.

They say that when your teacher is sick and you have a substitute,

the substitute has to be just as good of a teacher

as the real teacher or we won't learn as much

as if our teacher was there.

Can you please come to the point?

Yes, sir. I'm asking if she's a real teacher like Miss Jette,

or we won't learn as much because she hasn't had proper teacher training.

No, but listen up.

Ulla has been sent here from the Ministry of Education.

She is looking for a class to represent Denmark

in a very exciting EU project.

You'll be given tests,

and if you do very, very well, then...

the entire class will be taking a trip to Paris.

This is going to be great! I can't believe it!

Anyway...

...all the way up to the top of the Eiffel Tower, man!

Anyway, you can have the rest of the day off.

Aren't you going to give us any homework?

I think we should use this time-- - Shut your hole, Lotte!

All right, boys and girls, be on your way.

Carl, you're scheduled to see Claus, right?

I hear you're still not getting along

with the people in your class.

Oh?

So you're filled up with hatred?

I understand.

Shall we discuss your mom today?

I had a dream about her last night.

She's lying on the bed,

and so am l.

She reaches out to me...

touches my cheek.

That's good, Carl, very good.

That's when she whispers to me.

What did her voice say?

That she's going to die, and soon.

She wanted me to promise that I would do one thing:

Live. Live.

That's what you heard?

Then I heard this noise,

some kind of flapping,

outside the window.

An angel?

A big white chicken.

Then, splat!

It took a shit right there

in the middle of the window sill.

But in it there was a small face.

A face, huh?

It began to look like you.

A miniature version, with chicken shit

covering your whole head.

And waving.

Then you said...

What did I say, Carl?

"Hello, I'm a psychologist,

and also so stupid

that I'd actually believe anything I hear."

See you next Thursday?

Yeah...

Thursday.

Oh, damn it.

Sorry, kids.

No, dad, it's not as bad as usual.

Some of it's okay.

I'm such a cliche.

What's a cliche?

A stressed out single father who's completely useless.

It'll be okay.

Just going to take a while.

Papa... - Yes, dear?

Do you hump?

Excuse me?

I guess they don't want to because your cheeks are itchy.

Sofie, we're with the ones we love,

all right?

And I love your mom. - But...

she's dead and I want a new one,

a mom who I could touch.

Yeah.

Now sit down and eat, okay?

I like girls. Don't all boys?

Well, Sofie, monks don't like girls.