Brooklyn Nine-Nine

For you.

And you.

And you.

What are these?

These, madam,

are STDs.

What are you talking about, buddy?

STDs. Save the dates. For Vivian and my wedding.

Ah, yes.

Hey, just out of curiosity,

how many people have you given STDs to?

Lots. Like 100.

What's going on?

Uh... oh, okay. I get it. "STD" has another meaning.

You're gross.

No one else is gonna think that.

Everyone is going to think that.

But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there.

Thank you. It is kinda sweet.

Will your first dance be to you give me fever?

Will you be serving crabs at the reception?

Do you have herpes?

Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me.

No more jokes.

You're right, and we're sorry.

We love you, buddy. Warts and all.

Sorry, I made a rash decision.

I was itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.

I have an STD.

So just RSVP, or...

Yeah, the number's right on there...

Great. Thank you.

Whoo!

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Peralta, I'm surprised to see you

so excited about departmentally mandated training exercises.

It's the most fun day of the year.

Something you wouldn't understand,

because you're not programmed to feel joy.

Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.

You know, when you play along with the robot jokes

it kind of ruins my enjoyment of them.

Yes, I know.

Anyways, Tactical Village Day is awesome.

We get to field test a bunch of cool, new weapons,

and there's always a new training situation.

Last year's was prison break.

It got super violent.

It's like being in an action movie.

It's also a good opportunity for us

to let off steam and bond as a unit.

Everybody gets into it.

Needless to say, the nine-nine has never had a perfect run.

True, but Jake has been

the finalist for coolest kill two years in a row.

That's every precinct sending around

their footage and all the cops voting.

It's not that big of a deal.

All you win is a children's karate trophy, so...

You desperately want it, don't you?

So badly. I will stop at nothing to get that trophy.

I'll shoot you all in the face if I have to!

Go team.

Gina, the D.A. needs copies

of our interrogation transcripts from the Adams case.

Gina?

Gina.

Gina.

Sorry. I was playing Kwazy Cupcakes.

Crazy cupcakes?

"Kwazy" with a "w." A backwards "w."

No such thing as a backwards "w."

Yeah, there is. See?

Okay, how you play... You just line up three cupcakes

with the same color frosting... Ka-bam.

And this little game of yours,

it's more interesting to you than your work?

Yeah. Kwazy Cupcakes is a lot more interesting than this.

Stop saying "kwazy."

And stop playing this inane garbage. It's embarrassing.

Say it to my face.

I did. You were looking at your phone.

Oh, cool. My B.

Great news, I think I figured out my persona

for this year' tactical villa..

Introducing Rex Buckingham

British secret agent, ballistics expert,

and ladies' man.

Yeah, 'cause what woman doesn't love a guy

who's super into make-believe?

This whole training simulation is make-believe.

We shoot paint at fake bad guys. It's called acting.

Tell me how I'm any different than George Clooney.

He has a sexy voice.

I have a sexy voice.

Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs.

"Mountain range"?

I couldn't think of anything sexy to say.

What? Mountain range, it's the sexiest geological feature.

No, wait, sorry. Deep sea trench.

I think I'm gonna go talk to Rosa.

You try to think of some sexier words.

Jesuit. Horticulture.

Lam-buh.

What is going on with you two?

Come on, Boyle, not this again.

You gotta admit there's a spark.

How many times do I have to say it? She's like a sister.

That's what Luke said about Leia.

Hey, Luke didn't know! No one knew!

Okay, Stella. All right. Oh, no, no problem.

Okay, all right, bye.

Damn!

Our babysitter's busy the night of Boyle's wedding.

She's gonna be in her High School talent show.

Which she's gonna lose, unless her talent is leaving

potato chip crumbs all over Terry's couch.

Wait, Boyle set a date already?

Yeah, he gave out save the dates yesterday.

He didn't give you one?

I think he's been avoiding me.

Hey.

Uh-oh, I hate pizza!

He didn't invite me to his wedding,

and he's scared like a little bitch.

Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming.

Look, Boyle was in love with you until a few weeks ago.

Oh, don't be angry.

I'm not angry. I think it's funny.

One hot pile of boring coming in.

Thank you, Gina. Dismissed.

You're dismissed.

What you doing in here?

Nothing.

Okay, cool, can I just see your phone for a second?

I may have been playing...

Crazy cupcakes.

Okay, Captain, I think we're past the point

of you being too proud to say the "w." Fine.

I might have been playing...

Kwazy Cupcakes.

It's so addictive, right?

I play so much that when I close my eyes at night,

I just see cupcakes now,

instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.

Yes, well, I have a tremendous amount of self-control.

I don't think I'll have any problem

resisting this silly game.

As a matter of fact,

I've deleted the application.

There. Hmm.

Does this mean I've lost my progress?

Well, doesn't matter, because I'm done.

The nine-nine is in the village.

Nine-nine!

Hey, Ronnie.

They upgraded you from bystander to perp.

That's great, man.

Thank you.

I'm gonna blow your brains out.

Amy Santiago.

Teddy!

Hey. Oh, my God.

It's been so long. What are you doing here?

I'm with the eight-two now. We're paired with you today.

Yeah. Quick. 10-54L.

Ambulance case. Severed limb.

What is going on here?

Teddy and I met at code camp.

It was a voluntary refresher course on police codes.

Some long nights of intense memorizing.

It was pretty dope.

Sounds dope.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna go sign in, but we should catch up later.

Yeah. Great seeing you.

You too.

Who's that guy?

Uh, that was Teddy. We went on, like, five dates last year.

I liked him, but he was stationed out in Queens,

so I never got to see him, and it sort of fizzled.

Right, that's the guy you said the lame stuff about.

Like "he's a good listener."

I'm sorry, what do you look for in a guy?

I don't know, real stuff.

Shape of his ass.

All right.

So weird that Amy dated that guy.

What do you care so much?

Okay, first of all,

your insinuating voice is way too high.

It's creepy. And second, I don't care.

I'm just curious why she would like him.

Whatever you say.

Oh, yeah, no, I hear it now.

Yeah, I sound like Meryl Streep from Mamma Mia.

Oh, this is so cool. You can shoot around corners.

I love guns. I'm gonna make such a good dad.