The Freak Brothers

You see these, Freddy? They're paws. They ain't thumbs.

When it comes to cans of cat food,

paws don't do shit.

- - You ain't gettin' it.

Still ain't gettin' it. You need to feed me!

- -

Whoa!

Easy open lid, my ass!

I'm going to get my own damn food.

Theme music playing...

You guys have to check out this knockout. It's insane!

Who is it? Conor McGregor?

Conor Mc-Who?

I'm talking Muhammad Ali decking Sonny Liston.

The second time, not the phantom punch.

You're a boxing fan?

Are you kiddin'? It's the sweet science!

Angles! Geometry! Brain damage!

So, who are the top fighters of today?

Is there a new Sugar Ray Robinson

mowing down palookas?

Boxing is kind of done.

It's all about the UFC now.

The F.U.C. What now?

Ultimate fighting!

It's mixed martial arts, and it is lit!

- No holds barred. No rules! -

No rules?

Ugh. How can you watch that stuff?

- It's barbaric. - Actually...

- -

...that looks pretty far out.

- I know, right? -

Can we go to a fight, Dad? Please!

Pretty please!

Oh, come on, Noah.

Sounds like a great way for you and Camille to bond,

instead of with your phones for a change.

Okay, sure. I'll buy tickets right now.

- Thanks, Dad! - Thanks, Dad!

Beautiful day, huh?

What say you and I head down to the basement

for a little R&R.

Reefer and rawdogging.

I have work to do.

You know, I... I do appreciate all you do for bums.

Uh. Well, you... But you know, just this morning

I gave a can of beer to a bum.

- A bum? - Oh, no. Sorry. A homeless.

Home is where one is living. Houseless is the preferred term.

Houseless. Got it.

Hey, you know, I saw on one of your in...

internets that there is a lot more emphasis these days

on female sexual satisfaction.

I... I guess I was a man ahead of my time.

You're stupid.

- -

The amount of corporate sponsorship here

is unnerving. But I like the buzz.

Oh, anybody wanna rustle up some grub?

Don't be a sucker!

There's plenty of good food under the seats.

So, there's no rules?

We could just sit outside a bar, and watch frat boys

- brawl for free? -

- -

- Yeah. - That was amazing!

This is badass. Them little peckers is tough!

Took a thumb to the bunger, didn't even squawk.

And fighting in our next match,

the main event, the middle-weight champ...

- - PJ Always Barkin' Larkin!

- - Oh, my God! He's here?

- -

- -

So, we like PJ Always Barkin' Larkin?

He's a god.

He's like this mellow surfer dude,

but then he gets in the ring, and he totally kicks ass.

Language, Camille.

Bite his face off like a chimpanzee!

- -

- -

I can hear the ocean!

- -

- Yeah. - Wait!

There's nacho cheese on the seat.

- - PJ had a super rough childhood.

He never even knew his dad, but he dated Ariana Grande

and he shut down his Instagram site

after getting in a fight with every woman from The View.

- - Your winner...

- Take it all the way! - ...PJ Larkin!

Strategically speaking, he should probably cut his hair,

but he refuses.

That's a good man. Letting his freak flag fly.

Hey, Phineas, he kind of looks like you.

Sure does. "Got kids?"

See, I just did a little riff on the Got Milk ads.

Like maybe he's your son.

Did you ever have unprotected intercourse in the past?

- "Got kids." - Hmm.

I don't know, man. I'd probably have to see

his mother to know for sure.

I was joking. This kid is in his early 20s.

The timing is all wrong.

Unless you donated some sperm that was frozen.

Hmm.

I did donate my sperm! Oh, my God.

My son is PJ Barkin' Larkin!

- -

You rat bastard!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Do I know you? Do you know me?

And the preferred term is "rodent", madam.

I gotta get to back to 1969.

Back then, a rat would never walk up

to a full grown kitty cat, talking preferred terms.

You bring that shit again, and I'll gobble your ass up.

Oh! That's good.

- -

- -

- -

Who's ready for some poached salmon?

Me! Me! This girl, right here! Hello!

Well, look what the cat dragged in. Herself!

Which is appropriate because animals deserve

their own dignity. Are you hungry?

If he is your boy, you should be proud.

He is one hell of a shit kicker.

- PJ! PJ! - PJ! Over here!

- I love you! - PJ! I love you!

- Sign my face! - Sign my hot dog!

PJ! Over here! I'm your father!

- I spunked you in a jar! - Selfie!

Daddy!

- - Ribs. Ribcage.

You're crackin' my ribs, Son.

I can't believe PJ Larkin is coming to my house!

Now, remember, my son is just a regular person

like anyone else.

Only he's a really great fighter who can kick

anyone else's son's ass, any time.

You know, if you really want to be sure he's your son,

there's DNA tests. You can do it through the mail.

Nah, when you're a father, you know.

If anybody needs to take a DNA test, it's you.

Looks like Mrs. Switzer ordered Chinese takeout.

From the Dong Shack, if you know what I mean.

So, are you excited about this big time fighter

- coming to visit? - I'm not much of a sports fan.

Or a fan of jocks for that matter.

Oh, don't worry. She only goes for intellectuals.

Unemployed ones.

I'm unemployed! And I got no prospects.

Kitty's missing!

We all have to split up, and look for her!

Sorry, Freddy,

my son, the famous ultimate fighter is coming over.

Guess I'll go look alone.

- He's here! - Come in, Son, come in.

You remember Camille? She's your biggest fan.

What's up, Little Wahine?

Here's the mouth guard I swallowed,

then barfed up at UFC 198. I signed it for you.

Oh, my God! Thank you! Is that blood?

- It is blood! - And puke.

Over here, Son, is my brother Franklin.

He's not my real brother, so he's not your real uncle

meaning, he's made no genetic contribution to your success.

A real pleasure. Loved you bitin' off that fellow's ear.

I- I'm Noah! I'm Team PJ for life!

Oh, God! Noah, go wash your face.

You look like you've been notarized.

And this is Gretchen. She's our lady lawyer.

- Aloha, pretty lady. - Nothing.

- Is this guy botherin' you? - I got something for you too.

- That's a big cup. - My boy has a giant schvantz!

- Where should I keep this? - How about next to your bed?

My bed? Maybe you should take a look.

- Groovy. -

- That's my boy! - Damn pretty boy meat monkey.

- Oh! -

Fuck this world.

I've been wasting away living with those freaks,

and paradise was just around the corner.