My First Mister

* she's a disconnected *

* child *

"red rain.

"death touched her lips as she kissed her lover good-bye.

"she tried not to touch his skin, knowing the coldness would chill her.

"as it was,

"she still hadn't cried,

"nor had she decided who was in the better position.

the end."

I wrote that.

I'm a fucking poet.

and when I'm not writing poems,

I'm writing eulogies.

mine.

* she's my weekend lover *

* don't get left behind *

* she'll feel bad tomorrow *

* that's another time *

* let's do this together *

* I'm sure that it's fine *

* we'll feel bad tomorrow *

* that's another time *

* she's a disconnected *

* child *

* disconnected *

oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? yeah ! yeah !

- oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? - yeah ! yeah !

my mother, a Shirley Partridge wannabe,

would like for me to go to dental school.

I just can't imagine spending every day dealing with other people's spit.

somehow, I just don't think I'm the type.

* she's been on my mind **

I think it's just horrible,

the amount of confusion and angst

that we teenage girls have to endure regarding our apparel.

I mean, it takes a lot of time to mix and match.

I think every girl should be provided--

so, I'm sitting in creative writing class

surrounded by alien creatures with pretentious names

like Ashley and Cody.

hi.

I'm not really into people.

anyway, I think that if everyone just drove the same car,

that it would put an end to, like, envy and jealousy

and carjackings. all right, Ash.

thank you.

okay, uh, Ashley.

thank you.

let's see who's next. uh...

Jennifer Wilson.

my parents named me Jennifer Anne Wilson.

my middle name is because someone is dead.

I don't really have a passion for the name Jennifer, so I refer to myself as J.

I don't think of myself as a teenage girl or a woman.

I'm just the opposite of a boy.

J ? your bio was cool.

it moved me.

you look like you should be one of those new cool VJs

they just get off the street on mtv.

you totally rock.

you know, if I brought you home, my mom might hemorrhage.

um, do-do you wanna maybe go have sushI ?

I'm a lesbian.

I'm okay with that.

once, when I was 14,

I thought I was a lesbian.

the question of my generation:

to dive...

or not to dive.

but this one day my mom took me to her gym,

and she stuck me in the steam room with a bunch of women

posing as elephants.

cured me of doubt.

now I masturbate to a picture of Freddie Prinze Jr.,

and I'm quite certain of my sexual preference.

I'm cooking a brisket for dinner tonight.

a woman needs to eat blood every now and again.

she just really does.

* Billie who is ready *

oh, no, it's my musical.

* when I have a brand-new hairdo *

* with my eyelashes all in curls *

I think my mother was deeply affected by the divorce.

* I enjoy being a girl *

* when men say I'm cute and funny *

* and my teeth aren't teeth but pearls *

* I just lap it up *

* like honey *

* I enjoy being a girl *

stop that.

dad, the sperm that bore me, cheated on mom.

blah, blah, blah.

mom remarried. I think his name is Bob.

* who enjoys *

* being a guy *

* having a girl *

* like me ** hi, Jennifer.

surprise ! surprise, Jen !

cosmopolitan.

tomorrow's our big day. brisket in half an hour.

Jen, it's best when it's hot.

yeah, I had an attitude. I had an attitude.

* we're the attitude now *

* we're the attitude now *

* we're the attitude now * yeah, I had an attitude.

* you brought it all on yourself *

baby ?

baby !

brisket's ready !

time to celebrate your graduation, honey.

Jennifer ?

brisket's all ready.

vintage tv rocks.

what I wouldn't give to live with the Partridge family.

Jennifer ? I think Shirley would really get me.

I like chocolate.

it's dark and warm, come here, baby.

like what I imagine a hug would be like.

doesn't sound very friendly to me.

you wanna look like a dope, go ahead.

oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? yeah ! yeah ! yeah !

I'll meet you at the table.

she's coming. it takes her a while, that's all.

it takes her a while.

employment sucks,

but I just need enough cash to get my own place.

help.

I need help, someone.

hello.

hello ! hello !

oh, thank God !

I got these pants-- caught on my earring.

ow, ow. bad pain. bad pain.

all right. do you have one ?

no, not there.

you should get one. it makes sex amazing.

aah ! do you have one here ?

no, not there either.

you don't know what you're missing.

yep. well, I'm not the one...

with a pair of dead man's pants hanging from my labia.

"it makes sex amazing." ow !

maybe I should get some more piercings.

I'm not busy.

what is sex anyway ?

if memory serves,

technically, I'm still a virgin.

there was this one day in third grade

when Matthew Kingsley came over and we played doctor.

he confused my vagina with my anus

and took my temperature with a fire engine red crayon.

from then on, whenever I'd hear a siren,

I'd giggle.

I never had a boyfriend.

I don't know what I'd do with one if I did.

guys like Calvin Klein G-string ad girls.

I wear boxers.

I once had an orgasm, though.

with myself.

I think.

I'm gonna go to hell anyway.

J ! yo, J !

eulogy number 432.

"she was loved by no one.

"she chose indifference as her state of mind.

"she leaves behind not even a memory,

because she never existed."

that was a cheery one.

hiya, Rudy.

Mabel.

hey, Dorothy.

Irene.

* if I was beautiful like you *

good news and bad news.

good news: I didn't get caught for stealing.

bad news: I got fired for farting.

so I decided to go where the real money is--

the Century city mall.

* if I was beautiful like you *

* I would never be at fault *

* I'd walk in the rain between the raindrops *

* bringing traffic to a halt *

* but that will never be *

* that will never, never be *

* 'cause I'm not beautiful like you *

* I'm beautiful like me *

* I'm beautiful like me **

damn.

Max.

uh, need a hand ?

thank you.

- thanks very much. - uh--

I was wondering.

you-- there's a sign in the window. you need some help in your store ?

fuck you.

asshole with a beer belly.

what did you say ?

you think this is a beer belly ?

- yeah. - this is not a beer belly.

- oh, no ? - no.