Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, TIME FOR GIFTS. WE HAVE GIFT CERTIFICATES

FOR FACIALS FOR EVERYBODY.

THEN YOU ARE GOING TO GET A NEEDLEPOINT PILLOW

WITH YOUR FACE ON IT AND THE LEAD HEADLINE

FROM A NEWSPAPER ON THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.

"JOSEPH STALIN DIES"?

- THAT'S RIGHT, MOM, AND YOU REPLACED HIM.

THOUGH NOT IN TERMS OF GENOCIDE.

JUST IN TERMS OF, YOU KNOW, BEING ON EARTH.

FEBRUARY 14TH, VALENTINE'S DAY, IS ABOUT ROMANCE,

BUT FEBRUARY 13TH, GALENTINE'S DAY,

IS ABOUT CELEBRATING LADY FRIENDS.

IT'S WONDERFUL, AND IT SHOULD BE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.

IT SHOULD BE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.

DEAR CONGRESS, IT'S LESLIE AGAIN.

LET'S TALK ABOUT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.

WHO WANTS TO START? DONNA?

- I HAVE SEVERAL MEN IN ROTATION.

ONE'S WAITING FOR ME OUT IN THE CAR.

DON'T WORRY, I ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW.

- APRIL, YOU'RE THE OLD MARRIED BROAD HERE.

HOW'S ANDY? - WELL...

LAST WEEK HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY GAS,

BUT INSTEAD HE BOUGHT NOVELTY COOKIE CUTTERS.

NOW EVERYTHING WE EAT IS SHAPED LIKE A DINOSAUR.

HE'S AMAZING. - GREAT.

AND MOM, HOW'S IT GOING WITH STEVEN?

- WELL, I MET HIM ON THE INTERNET

BECAUSE OF MY LOVELY DAUGHTER,

AND WE ARE COMPATIBLE.

- LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.

OKAY, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. ANN, CAN YOU START TALKING?

- WELL, I'M--I'M--I'M IN A BIT OF A LULL RIGHT NOW,

BUT I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU ALL HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIVES

THAT YOU CARE ABOUT, SO...CONGRATS!

IT'S REALLY HARD TO SAY CONGRATS WITHOUT SOUNDING SARCASTIC.

SERIOUSLY, I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS ARE ALL VERY HAPPY--

DAMN IT. - WE ARE.

*

- ANN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

I'M SORRY IF I PUT YOU ON THE SPOT

WHEN I ASKED YOU ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- YOU KNOW, I'M MOSTLY FINE BEING SINGLE.

IT'S JUST THIS TIME OF YEAR WITH THE HEARTS AND ROSES,

IT JUST GETS ME A LITTLE DOWN.

BUT GALENTINE'S DAY MADE ME FEEL BETTER,

SO THANKS.

- OH, ANN, YOU BEAUTIFUL SPINSTER.

I WILL FIND YOU LOVE.

- WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

LOVE YOU.

- THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.

LET'S GET STARTED.

WOW. GREAT ATTITUDE, RON.

- SORRY, I WAS TALKING TO THESE RIBS.

- OKAY, SO THE VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE

IS PLANNED, PREPPED, AND UNDER BUDGET,

BUT WE HAVE ONE FINAL TASK.

ANN PERKINS IS CURRENTLY ATTENDING

THE VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE ALONE, SO I NEED EACH ONE OF YOU

TO BRING AN ELIGIBLE BACHELOR FOR HER TOMORROW.

ANN'S NOT TOTALLY HIDEOUS.

WHY DOES SHE NEED OUR HELP?

- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO, APRIL.

THEY HELP FRIENDS FIND HAPPINESS.

NOW THE LAST GUY SHE LIKED WAS CHRIS,

BUT SHE CAN'T DATE HIM AGAIN BECAUSE HE'S HER BOSS.

SO WHEN WE'RE THINKING OF PROSPECTIVE SWEETHEARTS,

WE NEED TO THINK OF PEOPLE WHO ARE...ATTRACTIVE

AND SMART AND KIND.

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF GUY IS RIGHT FOR ANN,

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS ASK.

ALSO YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE EDUCATED,

AND FRIENDLY, AND FUN--

- JUST TELL US THE DAMN WORD.

- EFFERVESCENT, HE NEEDS TO BE EFFERVESCENT.

- QUICK QUESTION ABOUT ANN--

DOES ANYONE KNOW IF SHE HAS ANY INDIAN IN HER?

NO ONE RESPOND.

NO ONE SAY ANYTHING. - WHY?

I'M JUST CURIOUS IF ANN

HAS A LITTLE INDIAN IN HER. - SILENCE.

- I DON'T THINK SHE DOES. - WOULD SHE LIKE SOME?

all: JERRY!

- AND...OOH-AH! -

YACHTER OTTER? - YUP.

- TWO MONTHS AGO, I HAVE A DREAM

ABOUT A PLAYBOY OTTER LOST AT SEA,

AND YOU MAKE HIM REAL?

- UH-HUH. - I LOVE IT.

I THOUGHT WE HAD AGREED THAT WE WEREN'T

GONNA GET EACH OTHER PRESENTS 'CAUSE WE WERE TOO BUSY

WITH THE CAMPAIGN-- I GOT YOU SOMETHING TOO.

OH, A...BOMB?

- IT IS A CRYPTEX, LIKE IN THAT MOVIE THE DA VINCI CODE,

WHICH WAS THE FIRST MOVIE THAT YOU AND I EVER WATCHED

ON STARZ HD. - WOW, THAT'S SPECIFIC.

- INSIDE IT WILL TELL YOU WHERE 00 P.M. TONIGHT,

AND THE COMBINATION IS A FIVE-LETTER CODE

THAT CAPTURES THE ESSENCE OF OUR THIRD DATE.

- YEAH... - SO I WILL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

UNLESS...YOU CAN'T CRACK THE CODE.

- I THINK I CAN CRACK THE CODE.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE CODE IS.

HEY, MAN, YOU OKAY?

STILL THINKING ABOUT YOUR EX?

- MILLICENT GERGICH HAS LITERALLY

TORN MY HEART FROM MY BODY AND REPLACED IT

WITH A THICK SLAB OF SADNESS.

I MAY NEVER SMILE AGAIN.

- COOL, SO I FOUND A DJ FOR THE DANCE,

AND HIS NAME IS DJ BLUNTZ.

- TOM, THIS IS A PUBLICLY FUNDED COUPLES DANCE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE FOR PEOPLE

TO BE GETTING "WET WITH SOUND."

WHO'S GONNA DO IT, THEN?

- I WILL. I CERTAINLY HAVE NO OTHER PLANS

FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, BECAUSE I AM COMPLETELY ALONE.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, CHRIS.

- AW, COOL CRYPTEX, CAN I HAVE IT?

- HEY, NO. NO, YOU CAN'T--

WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

- HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CRYPTEX IS?

I KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE.

- WELL, LESLIE HID THE LOCATION OF OUR VALENTINE'S MEETING PLACE

IN HERE. - NO.

- I TRIED EVERY FIVE-LETTER WORD THAT HAS ANYTHING

TO DO WITH OUR THIRD DATE.

- HAVE YOU TRIED ?

- THAT'S A FOUR-LETTER WORD.

OH. ADD AN "S"?

- I REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S THAT.

- UH, I WISH I COULD HELP YOU, BRO, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.

YOU'RE, LIKE, THE SECOND SMARTEST GUY I KNOW.

YOU SHOULD GO TO THE FIRST SMARTEST GUY I KNOW.

- OKAY, SO THE CLUE IS INSIDE,

BUT IT TAKES A FIVE-LETTER CODE TO OPEN IT--ANDY!

- DID YOU TRY ? - HA! YES.

- YES, WHY IS THAT EVERYONE'S FIRST SUGGESTION?

JUST SMART PEOPLE.

- I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.

TOLD YOU.

- LET ME SEE IT! - YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE IT.

I'LL SHOW YOU. I CAN UNROLL IT.

"THE MURALS WITH THIS HEART YOU SEE,

LOOK TO THE FIRST, AND THERE YOUR NEXT CLUE WILL BE."

- THE FIRST LETTER OF THE NAME OF EACH MURAL

WITH A HEART ON IT WILL SPELL OUT THE CLUE.

OR SOME-- OR SOMETHING.

LET'S CHECK OUT THE MURALS.

- HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, PAWNEE. FOR ME, IT IS NOT HAPPY.

BUT DON'T LET MY SADNESS DIMINISH YOUR NIGHT.

ANYWAY, LIFE IS FLEETING.

JERRY, WELL DONE.

I PUT AN AD

"MAN SEEKING MAN FOR A NIGHT OF CASUAL FUN."

ENRICO, HE RESPONDED RIGHT AWAY.

- I'LL MEET YOU INSIDE, OKAY? - OKAY.

- YOU HIRED A MALE ESCORT.

A WHAT?

- PLEASE GET YOUR GIGOLO OUT OF HERE.

- I--UH-- OH, MY GOD.

- OKAY, SO WE'VE GOT ALL THE ONES

FROM THIS SIDE WITH THE HEART STICKER.

- ALL RIGHT, THE ONES FROM THE OTHER HALLWAY ARE...

"CORNFIELD SLAUGHTER," "LAMENT OF THE BUFFALO,"

"NEEDLESS SLAUGHTER," "SLAUGHTER GONE WRONG,"

"EATING THE REVEREND," "IT'S RAINING BLOOD,"

AND "DEATH EVERYWHERE." - THANKS, GUYS

I HOPE I DIDN'T SCREW UP YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY TOO MUCH.

- OH, GOD, NO. APRIL HATES VALENTINE'S DAY.

AND BRUNCH. AND OUTSIDE.

AND SMILING.

SHE'S WEIRD. - WAIT.

THE LETTERS UNSCRAMBLED SAY, "NO FOOD FINER.

CLUE THREE AT J.J.'S DINER."

HOW MANY CLUES ARE THERE, EXACTLY?

HEY, YOU'RE HERE.

- AND I BROUGHT A BACHELOR.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - NO.

YOU BROUGHT ORIN?

ANN IS NOT SOME WEIRD, MOROSE MUMMY.

OFFENSE INTENDED, ORIN. LET THIS BE A WAKE-UP CALL

ABOUT THE WAY YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO THE WORLD.

- I THINK ANN AND HIM WOULD BE CUTE TOGETHER.

- I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I'VE BEEN WORKING

TO TRY TO PULL THIS TOGETHER BEFORE ANN GETS HERE?

- HEY. - HEY, YOU'RE HERE.

WE WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU.

HOW ARE YOU? - WELL...

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, AND I'M SINGLE,

AND I'M AT A COUPLES DANCE.

I CAN'T IMAGINE A MORE DEPRESSING PLACE TO BE.

- WHAT ABOUT A WEDDING WHERE YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH THE GROOM,

AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THERE WITHOUT A DATE,

SO THE BRIDE MAKES YOU DANCE TO SINGLE LADIES BY YOURSELF?

- OH, MY GOD, DID THAT HAPPEN TO YOU?

- MAYBE. LET'S GET A DRINK, AND THEN YOU AND I