Night Court

-I know phone booths are hard to come by,

but that doesn't make it okay for you

to take your pants off in a Verizon store.

$700 and time served.

Ugh! Comic-Con.

Please say the next case is a good old public urination.

-Does it count as public urination

if the person doing it thinks they're invisible?

-Oh. How embarrassing. We're wearing the same thing.

Except you went to law school and I stole mine from Dry Bar!

-Heather, so glad you're here! Take five, everybody.

Get over here, you!

-Oh! -Oh.

Okay, okay. Put me down.

Everybody, this is Heather. She's my oldest friend.

We met on the first day of kindergarten. She was 10.

-I've wanted to visit Abby since she moved here.

I'm dyingto try New York's famous Nashville hot chicken.

-Always a pleasure meeting people from Abby's hometown.

You're all so annoyingly outgoing.

And possibly inbred.

-Ooh! And check you out, Miss Big Time Blazer.

I bet you watch the news.

I bet you've been onthe news.

-I have. I fell in a gorilla pit.

-Oh, my God! You were Baby Heather!

You still look the same.

-That's because a lot of these are still baby teeth.

-We should get back to work. I'll get you the keys

so you can drop your stuff off at my place.

No need. I'm good.

They let you in anywhere if you say you smell gas.

That's my friend Heather.

Isn't she fun?

Oh, my God. You hate her.

-What?! No! We've been friends forever!

She gave me my very first piercing...

which led to my secondtetanus shot.

No. You hate her.

The lifeless laugh, the fake, phony "fun."

That wasn't fake or phony.

-Ah. Ice cream. -Fun!

-Puppies. -Fun!

Heather.

Fun.

You dohate her!

Fun!

-See, when hesays it, I believe it.

**

This is nonsense.

I don't know, Dan.

You think you'd be a hot catch with these lady nerds.

You look like a rich wizard.

-What kind of stunted man-child goes in for this kind of stuff?

-One who's seen the world for what it really is.

Morpheus. From "The Matrix."

Good God. You're one of them.

I mean, that's surprising.

You present as a person who's had sex.

-If you don't think these people are having sex,

you don't know Comic-Con.

For five days, the horniest indoor kids in the galaxy

gathered to dress up and bed down.

And since this is my first Con since the divorce,

I'm ready to show all the ladies we're living in a...stimulation.

I wish we werein the Matrix.

Learning kung fu is taking forever.

-Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hide me. It's Julianne.

It's Julianne!

-You know I don't know who that is.

I just started working here.

-It's a woman Dan prosecuted back in the day

and showed up last year for revenge.

-But I thwarted her efforts to destroy my life

when she saw how sad it was.

-Hey. You'll find love someday. I mean, look at me.

I bounced back after my dalliance

with Christopher Meloni.

You dated Christopher Meloni?

-Our connection was deeper than that.

He shadowed me for his greatest role.

I assume you're familiar with "Bailiff: The Musical"?

The nudity was my idea.

-Shut up. Shut up. Where did she go? Where's Julianne?

Dan Fielding.

Well. Hi, Julianne.

What brings you here? Hopefully through a metal detector.

-I'm just visiting the new man in my life.

He's very attentive.

You know, constant check-ins, wants to know where I'm going,

who I'm seeing... what's in my urine.

So he's your parole officer?

-Ah, it's too soon to put a label on it.

-Ah. And how good is he at monitoring your access

to things that might -- what's the word -- explode me?

-Dan, you have nothing to worry about.

I mean, where is the fun

in ruining a life that's already in shambles?

You have some nerve.

I'll have you know this man's life is robust.

He was a judge in his beloved New Orleans,

and he happens to be best friends

with someone who was the inspiration

for one of Christopher Meloni's greatest Broadway triumphs!

Well, Dan!

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well.

Now maybe we canhave some fun together after all.

-You know, she could be laughing at something else.

Oh. Where are my manners?

Julianne. I'm gonna ruin Dan's life.

And...selfie!

-You know, you don't have to say "selfie" every time.

-So what do you two country mice got planned for the big city?

-Who knows? When Heather's around,

it's always an adventure.

One minute, we're getting cupcakes, the next,

we're at an underground club called "Oontz."

-It's named after the song. You know the one?

* Oontz, Oontz, Oontz, Oontz *

-Yeah. She knows the song. She knows the song.

-You went to an underground club?

You ask them to turn down the music

and crank up the lights at Outback.

-No one could hear my Crocodile Dundee impression.

Aww! Do it!

That's not a knife!

Isn't that bad?

- See? - That's why Heather's the best.

She tells it like it is and really pushes me

out of my comfort zone.

I lovethat about her.

-Then you are gonna love what I have planned for tonight.

I'm gonna take you on a midnight helicopter tour

of Manhattan.

And I got a deal because the helicopter doesn't have lights!

I'll text the "pilot."

Why are you using air quotes?

Cause he's in the air.

-Why are you putting up with this person

you have nothing in common with?

-You call 30 years of friendship nothing in common?

You know, if it wasn't for Heather,

I never would have tried Wild Cherry Pepsi.

And thanks to those Pepsi points,

I got to meet Ray Charles.

Okay. Well, have fun.

It's a good thing you two are so close,

since you'll be sharing an urn when they can't figure out

how to separate your ashes.

-So, how was your helicopter trip with Heather?

Had its moments!!

Nothing makes you appreciate the ground

like plummeting towards it!!

-You know you're not on the helicopter anymore, right?

-In a lot of ways, I'll always be on it.

But all in all, it was fun.

-There it is again. That fake, phony "fun."

The fakest, phoniest "fun" yet.

-Okay! You're right! I admit it! I don't like her!

This friendship should have ended a long time ago.

I guess now I have to go tell someone

that I've known for three decades,

"Well, oops. Turns out you've always sucked."

-Wait. You're -- You're just gonna tell her?

Like, with your mouth? That's sick, you sicko! Just ghost her.

-And just never talk to her again?

Wait. Are people doing this all the time?

I don't know. Ask 'em.

If they don't respond, then, yeah, they're doing it.

-Hey, "Scabs"! -Heh-heh.

Look at you, dusting off the old nicknames.

-She had eczema. She wore a turtleneck all summer.

Then I came up with the name "Scabs," and everyone laughed.

So, uh, you think you're gonna

leave first thing tomorrow to get a jump on the traffic or...?

-Actually... Excuse me.

There's something I needed to talk to you about.

Last night, when you were clinging to me

in that helicopter, I realized something.

I miss this.

My boyfriend, Ronald, doesn't get me.

He says I dream too big and snore too wet.

So I'm breaking up with him and moving in with you! Yay!

Yee-hee-hee!

I don't know what to say.

-Because it's hard to say all the curse words at once?

-Ooh! Batman! I'm gonna go talk to him.

I heard he's rich and a big ol' freak.

-So, it says here you were charged

with sneaking into Comic-Con without a ticket.

Not me. Him.

Back here.

-You guys must have a close relationship.

What's your secret? -The important thing

is knowing what you're getting into.

You said it, brother.

15 Comic-Cons ago, I agreed to this costume.

Haven't looked back. Or forward. It's best to just look down.

-I have to say -- it's nice to see two friends

that are totally in sync.