Privates

It's not gonna work. Do you know what prospective Conservative candidate White-Bowne is on about?

Not a clue, prospective Conservative candidate Rothman!

Major Cunnicliffe is putting me forward for a post in Germany.

Major! 'Am I right in thinking you feel I'm the man for the job?'

My driver's waiting. I really must go.

Tell me about your sister. Lance Corporal Hobbs killed my sister.

Are you a fake, Lomax? I've no idea!

I'm not sure who is responsible any longer. Should we show him to Captain Bulgakov?

See if he's trying to get a loony ticket out?

Two Section, in a gas attack, if you don't get your mask on in seconds,

you'll be dead.

We're going to find out how you react in those seconds.

Everybody inside!

Come on, move! Come on! Hurry up.

When I call you, step up and take off the mask.

Give your name, rank and number. Do you understand?

Yes, Corporal.

Private Hoy!

Five...

Rank! Five-two-nine... Loud and clear!

Stand up straight, man! Stand up straight!

Five-two-nine... Pathetic, Hoy!

Go on, get out!

Private Keenan!

Five-two-nine-four...

five-six-six, Private Keenan, Corporal.

Yes! Now get out.

MUFFLED SOUNDS

Five-four-three-two-one, Corporal, please!

Come on, man, out you go.

Wratten!

Five-two-nine-four-five-five-one. Private Wratten.

Corporal! I'm Corporal Barrowman! Again!

Come on! What's your number?

Five-two-nine-four-four...

Go to that wall!

Not that wall, that wall! Come on, touch the wall!

Get back here! Get back here!

What's your number?

Five-two-nine...

Stand up straight, man! Stand up straight!

Help! Help... Come on!

No!

Corporal! Corporal, stop it!

He's not breathing, Corporal! Help him! Get him out!

Help him!

Is he breathing? Eddie?

Eddie!

Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie!

Easy, easy.

Colin?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

Colin?

Stop thinking about it. You said yourself you can never predict what the army will decide.

I was actually thinking we should be grateful to Major Cunnicliffe.

For the chance he's given us. The chance to make a fresh start.

Mm.

That's good. We should get away from the camp.

Meet somewhere for lunch today. Maybe that place you like on the coast.

Well... I think...

Captain Gulliver.

Hello?

Hello?

At least we get some leave so we can recover!

Even if it is only for a few hours!

A few hours is enough for what I've got in mind, lads!

I imagine a few minutes is probably enough for you, Hoy!

You remind me of Judy in her last days. My labrador!

Died of distemper.

I'm gonna be under Barrowman's thumb until I get out of this place.

Unless you do something about it. What am I supposed to do?

He's paid to make our lives hell.

But not to almost kill you.

And here we see Madame Curie...

Nobel prize-winning physicist.

I thought you'd be pleased to see me. Course I am.

And that there were no regrets about last night. Absolutely not.

I can assure you, Private Keenan, you're a very good kisser!

Well, in that case,

as I'm the recipient of a well-earned half-day leave,

would you like to introduce me to the delights of Ravensea?

Trust me, the delights of Ravensea will not fill an afternoon!

But there's a hotel at the top of the hill - The Imperial.

We can meet there.

A hotel? Why, Nurse Charles...

Which does a very passable afternoon tea.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Madame Curie has work to do.

I'll see you at four, then.

Change is a fascinating, compelling process.

A new start - any new start -

means opportunities to wipe the slate clean.

If we could finish the assessments for Two Section, sir,

there's something in town I have to take care of.

Forgive me, er, the sermon. I have to hurry too.

Lunch with my wife today.

It's the War Office, sir. Then you'd better put them through.

Sir.

Hello. Captain Gulliver. Bleakly Marsh.

Yes?

Absolutely, sir.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

Four minutes.

One minute. Then we're free to walk through those gates.

If any of you were real friends, you'd stay behind and keep me company.

If we were mad enough, we might.

Are you interested, Lomax? We'll tell the girls you'll see them next time!

Tell them they're missing the best part of Two Section.

Two Section! By your beds!

From your briefings, you will recognise that as a warning

of nuclear attack.

These are Two Section's orders.

You will not leave this hut until you are instructed.

Any man who does so...

..will be shot!

'This is Captain Gulliver, your commanding officer.

'The company has been attacked with nuclear weapons.

'Communications have been severely disrupted.

'The camp has commenced lock-down.

'It is imperative all ranks follow emergency orders.

'Further orders will be issued as the situation develops.

'God save the Queen.'

Right. "Three days ago,

"Soviet Premier Khrushchev gave orders for troops to enter West Germany.

"An ultimatum to withdraw was ignored..." Is this really happening?

"Today, a pre-emptive nuclear strike of 15 missiles

"was launched against NATO countries and their US allies." It's just an exercise, though, isn't it?

If it happened, this is how it would happen.

But they're not actually saying it is happening, though. Pardon?

Right, boys. It says we have to "assess our situation and pool our resources.

"Radios, drinking water and fuel."

What would you do if you was the one Barrowman had it in for?

Stand up for myself. Fight back.

How? He's the one holding all the cards.

Boys, can you pay attention, please?

Find his weak points. Aim your fire at that.

The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get off camp.

I have a better idea. How about I go to the NAAFI and get Wratten some grub?

You lot can stay here and do the pretend war.

Are you sure it's pretend?

It's an exercise. If it was real, we'd know about it. How?

If they hit London with a missile, you'd hear the bang up here?

I can't believe you're all taking this so seriously.

If I open that door, all I'll see is NCOs with clip-boards!

Why don't you try it?

Get back in your barracks, private!

Captain Bulgakov, the four-minute warning's been sounded.

Very good. Understood.

Very good, sir. Gate secure.

'Zero hour plus one.

'Do not in any circumstances go outside.

'Radioactive fallout can kill.

'The number of casualties the country has suffered

'is not yet known.'

Chewing gums - three packs of.

Cigarettes...

..eight packs of.

One transistor radio.

No battery.

Thanks, Lomax(!)

And, uh, a pack of rubbers.

Thank you, Hoy.

If it's not an exercise, and we have to survive a nuclear winter on this...

We're as good as dead.

'Zero hour plus 30 minutes.'

'A retaliatory strike against the Soviet Union has been launched.

'All designated NCOs move to Code Red.

'Repeat - Code Red.'

The thing to bear in mind, Audrey,

is that with any pregnancy test, there is always a margin of error.

Connie, am I pregnant?

Yes.

I bring news from the front line.

Put a thousand head doctors into one big room,

you would not believe the amount of nonsense generated.

Mrs Gulliver. I'm so sorry, I didn't realise. I intrude.

No, no. Not at all.

We were just gossiping!

Captain Bulgakov.

There was one interesting fellow amongst the dross, Connie.

Ronnie Lang.

Talks about insanity being a perfectly rational response to an insane world.

Well, he was an army psychiatrist for a while.

Jimmy, what's going on?

Come on, it's time to save the world.

Personally, I'm not so sure it's worth saving, Corporal.

Are you going to join me?

To Armageddon.

'Zero hours plus 90 minutes.

'Reports of one warhead detonated over Birmingham,'

another over Newcastle, a ground-burst detonation at Manchester Airport.

I have One Section armed and touring the perimeter, sir.

Extensive fires and severe blast damage in all metropolitan areas.

Two Section will be detailed to patrol the camp.

Audrey? Colin.

Sergeant. Mrs Gulliver. What are you doing? Can't you see there's a live exercise going on?

I appreciate that. I did hear the sirens.

But am I supposed to hide under a desk until it's over?

Audrey! Or would you like food on the table when you come home?