The Carmichael Show

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Bobby, I am telling you,

you could not be a professional boxer.

Yes, I could, okay, I got nothing to lose.

I love belts, okay?

All I'm missing is those thick neck muscles and some pigeons.

Bobby, no.

I was too nurturing a father for you to be a good boxer.

What are you talking about, Dad? You weren't nurturing at all.

Manny Pacquiao became a champion

after his father cooked and ate his pet dog.

So, yeah, I'd say I was pretty nurturing.

Whew, I saw something today that I cannot unsee.

I was at the cheap burger place on Third Street...

Cynt, where are the burgers?

I am trying to tell a story here.

Y'all know my best friend, Karen?

Wait, wait, I thought Sylvia was your best friend.

Uh-uh, I haven't talked to Sylvia in two years,

not after she thought I thought I was better than her.

Wait, I thought you stopped talking to Sylvia

'cause you thought she thought she was better than you.

No, that's Patrice.

But I remember Patrice.

She actually was better than us.

The point is: at the burger place,

we saw Karen's husband with another woman.

Maxine, I am trying to weave a tale here.

At the burger place,

we saw Karen's husband with another woman.

So wait, wait, wait.

You didn't say nothing to him, Ma?

You didn't let him have it?

No, I got out of there before he saw me.

Yeah, I had to hop in a running car.

That's my girl, don't get involved.

They can't blame the messenger

if you don't deliver the message.

Boys, your mama's no snitch.

That's one of her strongest attributes.

- Aah! - Mmm! I got you!

It's not snitching, it's called being a good friend, Cynthia.

You have to tell Karen.

Eh, kind of sounds like snitching, Maxine.

I mean, don't you think we're getting

a little ahead of ourselves here?

You're telling my mom what to do

without getting all of the facts first.

Mom, how much money does Karen's husband make a year?

What does that have to do with anything?

Eh. This is an interesting line of questioning.

Proceed.

Well, uh, he does have his own roofing company,

and he did just buy her a new Mercedes,

so I-I'd say it's in the six figures.

Six figures, there you go.

Case closed.

Jerrod, just because you say "case closed" and you do this

doesn't mean you've made a point.

The point is, successful people cheat.

That's the reality, all right?

Uh, let's break this down by income.

If a man makes less than $50,000 a year, that man...

...probably faithful.

But if he makes, like, 50 to 100 grand,

that means he thinks about it but he won't act on it.

That's me. You got nothing to worry about, though.

What?!

100 grand to half a mil means he's definitely cheating.

And then anything over half a mil just means

his wife knows his mistress by name.

So like I said... case closed.

He's right.

Any man who gives his wife a car with a big bow on it

- is probably cheating. - Oh.

Those Lexus Christmas commercials

are darker than you think.

I hate having this information

about Karen's husband's cheating on her,

and she not knowing about it.

It's like taking your dog to be put down,

and he thinking you taking him to the park.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Well, if you see something,

you don't always have to say something.

All right, let's weigh the pros and cons of Mom telling Karen.

Con: you could ruin your friendship.

Con: you could destroy a happy home.

Pro...

Uh, hold on, hold on, wait.

I'm trying to think of a pro,

but all I keep seeing is Linda Tripp's face.

Pro: you would be doing the right thing.

Well, I don't want to be responsible

for breaking up somebody's happy home.

But how happy can the home be

if this man is running around with another woman?

You guys, you should have seen this guy.

It was like he had no shame.

Like he was proud to have some sexy young woman on his arm.

Don't let men have this entitled attitude, Cynthia.

Do you want to live in a world

where powerful men get to do whatever they want

without any consequence?

Yeah, I guess so.

Why can't love be like in the books, you know?

Where you meet somebody, you fall in love,

and-and... and you live happily ever after.

Because life's not a fairy tale.

There's a reason fairy tales don't have sequels.

Cinderella 2 would just start with Cinderella being like,

"How come you didn't come home last night?"

And then the prince would be like,

"Bitch, I rescued you from the gutter.

You were making dresses with mice when I met you."

Don't listen to him.

Just think about your friendship with Karen.

Well, yes, I do care about Karen,

but I think telling her could just jeopardize the friendship.

I can't afford to lose another friend.

I'm very opinionated, and my experiences are limited.

Yep.

Once you reach 50, you're pretty much stuck with what you got.

Why do you think Bernard's my best friend?

'Cause he's alive, that's it.

Look, look, Ma, I know you, okay?

This is gonna eat you up inside.

And your blood pressure gonna go up.

And then you gonna have a stroke.

And then, Ma, you'll only be able to talk in blinks.

Okay, what I think Bobby is trying to say

is, you need to be a friend to Karen.

You know, don't let fear dictate your conscience.

Fine, fine, I'll call her.

All right, good for you.

Sisters before misters.

Okay, yes, yes, yes.

Please, stop talking.

Whew, she is very loquacious today.

Word of the day App?

Yeah, and it's working very well.

Oh, oh, it's ringing.

As phones do.

Karen?

Uh, this is Cynthia, your best friend for life.

Listen, I don't know how to put this delicately,

but, um... your husband is a lying ho,

and he's sleeping with another woman.

What?

Well, why would I make that up?

Jealous?

Why would I be jealous of you?

Both of your sons are drug addicts.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Uh, oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Well, listen, honey, that's why they call it a battle.

Sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some.

Well, fine, Miss Thing.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Uh, Cynthia, I still think

- that you did the right thing... - Uh-uh, enough's enough, Maxine.

Now, you come in here,

planting your soapbox in the middle of my living room,

making me destroy the best friendship I ever had this year.

Are you just one of them sick people

who like to see other people's pain?

Bobby, quick, what's that word from the word of the day App

that perfectly explains what Maxine is?

- Schadenfreude. - Schadenfreude.

That's what you are, Maxine, a Schadenfreude.

But for you, Maxine...

Whoa, whoa, I am not the bad guy here.

Karen's husband is.

I mean, yeah, sure, but that's not how the world works.

Like, we never blame the guy who cheated.

You know, take the Clinton situation, right?

If Monica Lewinsky came in here,

we'd all look at her like she's some home-wrecker.

Hillary Clinton's running for president,

and we think she's weak because she should have left.

But if Bill Clinton walked through that door,

we'd all go, "Oh, my God, it's Bill Clinton."

Yeah, when it comes to cheating, we always blame the victim.

Look at Ben Affleck.

He cheated with that nanny, and we made him Batman.

All right, Maxine, it's not your fault.

I know.

It's my fault.

For listening to somebody

that has no business even discussing the topic.

What are you talking about?

Baby, you do not have enough life experience.

I have plenty of experience.

: Sure you do, pumpkin.

No. No.

No, you do, you have plenty of life experience.

You, uh... you took the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

You, um...

You, uh, you went to Texas that time.

That was a big trip.