The Unicorn

Can I just say how great it is

that you finally found Shannon?

But...

No, no "but."

You know, what are the odds, right,

that you meet somebody by chance in a cemetery,

and then, months later,

you manage to find them again?

That's great.

But...

No but!

What's with the buts? There's no but.

It's just... my alarm bells are going off, okay.

She sounds so complicated.

I mean, you got the kid, you got the ex-husband,

you got the pre-airbags Volvo. I mean... alarm bells.

I thought you said there were no buts.

No, no, no.

No, technically that was an "it's just."

- Thank you. - There she is.

Look at her, y'all. My college girl!

Ooh, killin' it!

Ben, I've been in college for three days.

Not even a quiz yet.

- I haven't actually killed anything. - Uh-uh. Come here.

I'll tell you what you're killing.

- Hmm? Hmm? - You know what you're killing?

Everybody else's chances at valedictorian.

Stop it.

Did we order dinner already?

'Cause Kai is eating sunflower seeds from the bird feeder.

Kai, put that down.

Oh, there's this cute place

off Glenwood that I pass every day

on the way to my new office.

- Countertops? - That's not a restaurant.

They sell stone countertops.

- Really? - Yeah.

I wanted to try it for so long.

Okay, well, look,

about Shannon, um, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but since you brought it up...

- No, I didn't. Wasn't-wasn't me. - That's not an accurate description

- of what happened at all. - Nope. Nope.

Look, here's the thing.

Unrealistic expectations can be so crushing.

Like, 'cause you spend so much time

imagining this total stranger to be some perfect person,

and, really, what do you even know about her?

Oh, I know a lot.

For instance?

Uh, it's not what I know up here.

It's what I know in here.

Hey, how about we order from

- the Marsh Creek MiningCompany? - Ooh.

Wait, that's a restaurant?

Uh, no, no, no, no. That's so greasy.

What? Come on, I start high School tomorrow.

Do you really want me to be known as the girl

whose entire head is one giant pimple?

And everyone's gonna be like,"Oh, my God, look, it's the new girl

who doesn't have a head, just the biggest zit

I've ever seen." Is that really what you want?

Okay, okay, you said Shannon's a chef, right?

- Yeah. - Her place do take-out?

I don't know.

Is it her place, or does she just work there?

I don't... I don't know.

Okay, well, why don't we look it up? What's her last name?

I don't know.

Okay, you're right.

I get it. There's a lot about Shannon that I don't know.

And you're worried that I'm being unrealistic.

Yes. But you also thought

that I would never find her, and I did.

I was right about that.

And I'm right about this, too.

Tomorrow night's our first date.

I'm taking her out to dinner.

For the ceremonial unveiling of last names.

Know what, not only am I gonna get her last name,

I might even get her middle name.

- What?! - Whoa, watch out, player.

I'm eating croutons, folks.

This is what it's come to.

Okay, let's order some dinner.

All right, why don't we just, uh,

try that new place off the park, Super Noodle?

The kids' bookstore?

Oh, come on, now... now that's intentionally misleading. Right?

Okay, I hope you guys don't mind I finished

the last of the yirgacheffe.

There's still plenty of Sumatran Peaberry left, though.

That's salt, my dude.

: You are correct, sir. Yes.

Ed McMahon?

- Hey-oh! -

Dimitri. Sick vid.

: Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's so cool.

They have a group text.

All of them, all together.

They share jokes and stuff, and... I'm not on it.

Well, I'm sure it's just an oversight.

I mean, you're new.

It's not 'cause I'm new, Delia. It's because I'm old.

The next oldest guy there is, like, 35,

and they call him "gramps."

I bet not one of them has ever sent a fax.

Not one single fax.

Well, I'm sure they'd send one if you asked them to.

- Why would I ask them to? - You seem to want them to.

No, no,

it's just that I feel completely left out.

Well, honey, why don't you talk to your guy...

What's his name... Dimitri?

- Oh, my main dude Dimitri. - Yeah.

Ask your main dude to add you to the group text.

Oh, I don't know.

They might call me thirsty.

Thirsty's a word they use all the time.

If you have to ask, you'll never understand,

so I don't want to ask.

: Okay...

Uh, hey, buddy,

Is, uh, is your mom home?

She's yelling at my dad.

Pick up your phone, you jerk.

You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

- Call me back. Hi. - Hi.

I am so sorry. Ugh! Frustrated.

My ex was supposed to be here to watch Bert,

and, um, he's not.

Ah, well, that-that's okay.

No, no, it's not.

I was really looking forward to tonight.

I mean, I shaved my legs and everything.

I-I don't know why... I don't know why I just told you that.

Hey, you know, I have kids, too. I know stuff happens.

It's-it's not a problem.

We can, we can do this another night.

I have an idea. I don't know. Is this crazy?

Is it crazy for us just to eat here?

I could whip something up. You've already met Bert.

And you shaved your legs.

I still don't know why I said that to you.

- Um, yeah? - Yeah.

- I would love to. - Great.

- Okay. - Okay, come on in.

So this girl Riley from my algebra class,

she was like, "Hey, want to sit together at lunch?"

And then Riley's friends from her middle school

came and sat with us, and I was all, "Score!"

Wow. So you met your crew on day one?

Yeah, I thought so.

And then they started talking about anime.

- What about anime? - I don't know.

I don't know anything about anime.

But that's all they talk about, and I do not want to be one of

those weird kids who only talks about anime at lunch.

So? It's just one lunch.

No, because then, when the bell rang,

they all said, "See you tomorrow, Grace."

So that's it, I'm officially one of those

weird anime kids who's obsessed with folding robots

and girls with cat ears and lightning for hair.

I got this.

Hey.

I couldn't help but hear that story

about the girl from your algebra class.

Yeah. I'm sure it sounds dumb.

It's just hard starting a new school.

It is, but that's not what I'm getting at.

See, I'm in this econ class,

- and you need a lot of algebra for that. - Mm-hmm.

So could you remind me, how do you do algebra?

Oh, my God, look at that.

That looks amazing. What is it?

Well, it's a tomato purée with layers of artisanal cheese,

uh, tender bites of spiced pork,

and it's all wrapped in a delicate puff pastry.

- Have a seat. - Ah.

It's, uh, it's basically just a homemade Hot Pocket

because I haven't been in the store in forever.

- Well, uh, cheers. - Cheers.

Mm.

You know, I knew that we were kindred spirits.

I mean, you work with food,

and I work with plants, but

we both take whatever we've got to work with

and we create something special from it.

Aw.

Wade, do you want to hear a joke?

Uh...

Yeah, uh, sure thing, buddy.

- Okay, a gynecologist walks into a bar... - Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do you even know what that means?

Nope. But then a naked lady orders a screwdriver...

Okay, you know what? It's bedtime.

- It's bedtime. - Okay. Okay.