Teachers

This is an abomination.

Look away, Mary Louise! Look away!

- I can't. - No!

I can't!

I can't!

Can you believe the nerve of Theresa Larson?

- Why can't she pump in private? - Seriously.

Flashers get thrown in jail for it.

Why should it be any different for her?

She's doing this to spite me.

She knows I'm $8,000 short of my boob job.

Wow. The wig makes him look so presidential.

- Is she here? - No.

Finally, we can sit in peace without the sounds of a cow getting milked.

What are your classes selling for mini-society?

- Necklaces. - Bracelets. You?

- Trail mix. - That you're currently eating.

What can I say? I believe in our product.

I really want my kids to win the pizza party.

They're such hard little workers.

They remind me of my Grandpa Wolfgang Adler

who worked on the Chrysler assembly line

for over 40 years.

- Wow. 40 years. - Mm, yeah.

Until management fired him and outsourced his job to Mexico.

He tried to get it back but died broke

when a Mexican mule kicked him in the head.

- Talk about insult to injury. - I'm so sorry, Deb.

But as far as the pizza party goes,

I'm pretty sure my class will be winning.

- And why is that? - The Watson family

has always done well economically.

Back in the 1800s, my great-great-grandfather

bought up all the railroads and broke the back

- of organized labor. - So he was like Mr. Monopoly?

Yeah, they actually modeled the character after him,

but they added the monocle.

My family's still upset about it.

Well, I will take honest workers

over blue bloods any day.

Hey, guys. I have big news.

I got the Helen D. Beaumont Art Grant!

Now I can buy more supplies and build the art program.

Cecelia, how many times do we have to tell you?

No one cares about art.

Oh, Patty. A purple banana. Very outside the box.

Trey, I love that you gave your apple a face and a...

Is that a machine gun?

See? Children can express all their complex emotions

when there's funding for the arts.

Yeah, but I'm gonna miss painting

with leftover condiments from the cafeteria.

If I got hungry before lunch,

I could just lick my students' art projects.

Bruno Chiclet, how are you doing?

Mm, I don't know. I've never painted before.

Well, let's see.

Oh, my Gaia!

This is beautiful.

You're a genius.

Dang! That's like hotel art.

This is the power of the assembly line.

Made in America. Yes.

Mrs. Adler, can we please take a break?

- My hands are getting tired. - We can't.

Now, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and power through.

We've got to work hard like my grandpa

- to put pizza on the table. - I don't have bootstraps.

- I have sneakers. - Just work, Amanda.

And that's why the American dream

is to create multiple streams of income.

Now, Davis, let's say that Delia F. in Ms. Spencer's class

wants to borrow 100 Fillmore bucks at 20% interest.

Would you give her the loan?

Yes, but with interest compounded weekly.

Excellent. And we do that so we can...

Drain her dry!

I'm so proud of you, Davis.

- I knew you'd be in here. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- I was just about to... - Whip out your giant gazongas?

- Have you no shame? - What are you?

- A full D? - Excuse me?

Your tits, Theresa. Don't play dumb.

Okay, I really need to pump, ladies.

It's called formula, Theresa.

It's the modest woman's choice.

Breast milk is much healthier for children.

Well, then find another way to squeeze it out of you.

Because this disgusting display

is no longer welcome in the teachers' lounge.

Yeah, go milk yourself in the handicap stall.

That's what they're there for.

Look, ladies, I'd love to have a chat

about the politics of public breast-feeding another time,

but right now, I really need to pu...

- -

Ah! Aah.

How many calories do you think were in that?

Babies grow really fast. So probably a lot.

Oh, damn it, Theresa!

- Oh, wow. - Oh!

Ms. Cannon, I just got off the phone

with one of our parents,

- Suzie Takamura. - The art critic

- from the "Chicagoland Gazette"? - Yes.

She was dropping off her daughter's lunch earlier

when she noticed Bruno's work in the hall.

She was so impressed, she wants to do an article

- on you and Bruno. - Girl!

You're gonna be in the "Gazette"?

That's like Chicagoland's "Vogue."

Wow. I can't believe it.

Since it seems like a good opportunity

to get some pro-Fillmore media exposure,

I offered to hold an art show here this Thursday night

to showcase Bruno's work.

- His first opening. - Bravo, Ms. Cannon.

Even though I've never acknowledged you before,

you have truly elevated the arts program here at Fillmore.

Please let me know if you need anything at all.

You have my ear.

- Ah! - Did you hear that?

Dude, you just made Pearson your bitch.

It's just so nice to finally get recognized.

I know. When Principal Pearson gave you that grocery cart

instead of a classroom, I was like, uh, seriously?

Yeah, I was so outraged.

Even though I didn't say anything.

And I've always thought you were cool, Cecelia,

despite the fact you believe God is a woman.

You can have full use of my classroom all week.

Anything to help the art program.

But what's your class gonna do?

Who cares? They can play freeze tag in the cafeteria.

Geniuses take precedent.

Just so nice to see art finally getting

the respect that it deserves.

But you said no one cares about art.

Oh, no, you misunderstood me.

What I said was that no one cares about art more than I do.

And even though peer pressure forced me to circulate

that petition to try and get you fired

and use the extra money for Friday staff barbecues...

- What? - I want you to know

that I am happy to do the "Gazette" interview on your behalf,

since you'll be so busy with Bruno Chiclet's show.

- It's "Chiclay" now. - Mm.

- Bruno "Chiclay." -

And thanks for the offer, but I'm actually excited

to do the interview.

Okay. Well, just... just think about it.

An abstract.

You've just transcended an entire century of art history

- in a single morning. - I decided to paint

from my imagination.

I want to paint what excites me.

- A true visionary. - I want to make

a whole bunch of paintings like this one.

Ooh, a series! This is so exciting.

Keep up the good work, "Chiclay."

Us artists need to stick together.

Artists?

Clearly, you don't appreciate my contouring.

I don't get it. My kids can't work any harder,

and you're outselling us ten to one.

How's that even possible?

Uh, by embracing capitalist values.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe people just don't like necklaces

as much as they like bracelets?

I warned you. Money's in my blood.

Maybe it'll kill the herpes virus.

You know why my class is doing so much better than yours, Deb?

- Hmm? - Because they're being taught

by someone who valet parks at the gym

and wears pearls on the elliptical.

Your class is being taught by someone who lives

in a tiny house and has to shower

while they sit on a toilet.

I am teaching my kids that if they work hard,

- one day... - They won't sell any necklaces

and end up broke?

Tell you what.

when I win, I'll give you a slice of pizza.

Oh, we will destroy you, Richie Bitch.

Because the universe rewards hard work.

With a kick in the head by a mule?

I will shove your dead grandfather's monocle

up your tight, perfumed ass!

He didn't have a monocle, you rube!

Oh, look!

A sex show...

right here in the teachers' lounge.

If you're gonna act like a topless dancer, Theresa,

then you should be paid like one.

Wait, that was a 20. Give that back.

Yeah, we were just trying to make a point, Theresa.

- - Come on, Mary Louise.

I'm gonna need to borrow 20 bucks.

That was my lunch money.