Catastrophe

I've never had casual sex with a sober person before!

- I'm pregnant. - Did you just say "pregnant"?

We're getting married.

I wouldn't have ordered this if it were on the menu

but there was no menu.

You gullible American prick!

You fucking in-bred shrew!

- I'm so sorry. - My waters broke.

- My water's broken, it's too early. - What?!

Huh, I knew they were going to vote him out.

Well, congratulations, you're a psychic of garbage.

Why are we watching this?

Cos Mad Men's finished and

Game of Thrones isn't back on yet and there was nothing else.

Well, let's watch that then,

let's watch "nothing else".

Let's have sex.

- I'll have to put my mug down. - No.

My old lady bra turns you on?

Fuck, yeah,

it's like being in bed with one of my aunt's friends.

Feels dirty and wrong.

I just need to watch like

the first two minutes of this next episode,

cos I want to see what the hardest challenge is.

Can you move your feet, that's really uncomfortable.

No.

Well, can you make your legs less heavy?

Are you going to make me do it?

Why did you move my legs like that?

I'm sorry, I have a cramp.

You didn't say that, you hurt me.

I said it was uncomfortable,

I didn't know I had to give you a diagnosis.

I asked you to move them and you didn't move.

That was just really aggressive!

- It wasn't aggressive! - You're so aggressive!

- I'm aggressive? - Aggressive!

Aggressive... it was even aggressive

the way you said that, Mark Wahlberg.

I'm not aggressive. When have I ever been aggressive to you?

Erm, just now, the way you moved my feet.

I have a fucking cramp!

Don't loom over me!

Don't threaten me!

What?!

- Do you know what threaten means? - Yeah, and I felt threatened.

You felt threatened?

What are you a blogger? "I felt threatened... post."

Fucking Syrians are threatened.

"I felt threatened."

You live on a cream puff!

You need to take a walk and just calm down.

OK.

Where are you going?

- Out. - Out, what are you a teenager?

- I'm going for a drive. - Bullshit, you're going to McDonald's.

- Fine, take your purse and get out of my house. - This is my house.

I bought this house.

Fine, well, get off my rug

that I bought in Amsterdam,

where I had sex with a guy whose last name I didn't even learn.

Oh, like, I haven't done that...

... with women.

Where's the fucking car?!

Yeah, nice try, Jason Bourne.

Where's the car?

- Sharon? - Maynold Street.

You couldn't find anything closer?

No, there were lots of spots closer

but I had 11 shopping bags and I'm nine months pregnant,

so I fancied the fucking walk!

Well, I don't, so I'm going to sleep.

Don't touch me.

You come anywhere near me, I'm going to scream.

Put your finger in my asshole.

How?

Hey, are you OK, darling? Come here, honey.

I think I cut my effing eyebrow bone.

Get down, Mable! Get down, Mable.

She's trying to bite the baby's toes again.

She's not biting them, she's licking them and he likes it.

Just because he likes it doesn't mean we should allow it.

That's how fetishes start.

Do you want him to have to pay hookers

to lick his feet?

Let's not send him on that path.

Every day, honey.

- You OK? - Mhm, yeah, I think so.

No baby today.

- Are you sure? - Mhm.

OK, I'm going to go.

Oh, what are we going to do about my mum?

Well, let's just tell her no,

because we've got a baby on the way.

She claims to want to help with the baby.

Well, we know that's not true.

She's going to make me take her places,

she's going to make me take her to the M&M store in

fucking Leicester Square.

Like they don't have M&Ms in America!

Well, you tell me where you don't want to take her

- and I'll tell her it burnt down. - Our house...

tell her our house burnt down.

OK!

Bring me back a surprise.

And as the fungus grows it takes over

the ant's central nervous system, manipulating its behaviour.

It then kills the ant and a stalk

emerges from the skull, which

explodes, spreading the fungus much further,

creating armies of, for want of a better term,

zombie ants.

And this, in a sense,

is what Brayban is seeking to do with our takeover of Nyromax.

- Can you see what I'm getting at here? - Shit!

Sorry, I'm going to take this.

Did anyone else see that documentary?

It was disgusting!

I think the baby's coming.

Yeah, I think it's coming.

Hoooh!

- You can't keep doing that. - Twice.

I've done it twice and this time I genuinely

felt really lonely and bored.

Did you check in on Frankie?

- His little bum's still up in the air? - Way up there.

I gave it a little polish.

God, his little bum's too much.

Even his penis is cute...

- his little penis! - I love his little penis.

You don't think it's little, little though, do you?

No, it's huge for a baby penis.

Is it?

I'd hate if he had a small penis, is that bad?

No, all mums want their sons to have a big penis.

You want your son's penis to inspire respect

- and a tiny bit of fear. - No,

I just want it to be big enough so he doesn't have to worry.

I don't want him to be a folk legend or

have to put out ads for women with big pussies.

Yeah, I don't want him to have to roam from city to city,

using rural highways, searching for women

who can handle his freakish penis.

Oh, he asked me to itch his bum earlier.

- Yeah? - But he meant inside it!

He parted his butt cheeks and he asked me to itch it in it.

- What did you say? - I said no

but I felt bad.

It's OK to say no when people ask you to do stuff

to their private parts that you don't want to do...

unless it's me.

I've got to get back to work.

If we were to get Radiohead

it would be the first time they've allowed one of their tracks

to be used in a pharmaceutical ad targeted at children.

What about Coldplay?

- _ - Obviously, I've tried Coldplay

but, you know,

people can't buy the drug if they fall asleep during the commercial.

Why would people fall asleep listening to Coldplay?

Well, we could try Maroon 5.

You have one new message.

Where the fuck are you? The baby's coming!

Fucking hell, where are you?

No, no, no, this is my lift!

I'm so sorry! I thought you just wanted me to keep you company again.

Get them to cut it out of me, Rob! Caesarean me, please!

- It's not too late! - It is too late, you're crowning.

- Push it back in and cut it out! - Is it definitely too late?

Yes, it is.

I told you last time I wasn't doing this again! I don't like this.

- Nurse, she doesn't like this. - Is it out yet?

Oh, God! Oh, no, am I shitting myself now?

Barely.

Oh, fuck you, Craftmaster69!

Whenever it's Hummel figurines,

this piece of shit always outbids me!

Do you eBay?

Oh, Karen...

Are you going to cap it at two, then?

- Cap it? - No, I'm going to cut it off.

I'm going to get snipped.

Don't say that. What if it doesn't work out with Sharon and you meet

a younger woman and she wants kids?

That's exactly why I want to do it,

to remove the possibility of that nightmare ever happening.

I'm going to be a husband and a dad once,

I'm going to do a good job and then I'm going to die.

Amen to that.

What about you?

I'm going to keep going till I have a boy.

I'd be a great father to a son.

How do you guys not get pregnant?

Same way I don't get the postman pregnant.

Fran and I haven't fucked in just over two years.

Why, man, can you not... ?

Yeah, but it doesn't get quite big or hard enough

to bridge the fucking gulf

that's opened up between us.