M*A*S*H

Welcome to the 4077th, Major Freedman.

The conference will start at 1800 hours, sharp.

I'll be there.

Oh, sir, if you'd like a drink, compliments of Colonel Blake.

Scotch, gin, vodka.

And for your convenience, all in the same bottle.

‐Thank you, Corporal. ‐Oh, you're welcome, sir.

The conference starts at 1800 hours, sir.

Good. I can get in a little sack time.

Oh, yes, sir.

‐Corporal. ‐Sir?

Have a nurse wake me... a little at a time.

Yes, sir.

How'd you get out of it?

I just sat her down and I said,

"Honey, it'll never work. You're too good for me."

‐Was she? ‐No, as a matter of fact, she wasn't very good at all.

You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Every chance I can.

‐Sponge. ‐Sponge.

‐(knocking) ‐Yeah?

I just wanted to remind you, sirs,

that the conference is set for 1800 hours.

‐How much is that in people time? ‐6:00.

Wow!

Hey, Radar, without your glasses

you could almost pass for offensive.

Hey, why don't you leave the little fellow alone?

It's okay. I can take a joke.

‐MCINTYRE: Hey! ‐Hey, wait a minute!

Where you going? I was kidding!

‐He's kidding! ‐You're beautiful!

‐(knocking) ‐Yo.

Sir, Major Freedman and Captain Pak have arrived and billeted

and will be ready at 1800 hours.

Oh, that's terrific, Radar.

Cut yourself shaving, sir?

No, Radar. I thought I'd wear three pieces of toilet paper tonight.

Maybe start a new trend.

I don't think it'll catch on.

That'll be all, Radar.

Sir, could I ask a favor?

Ask away.

‐Can I use the jeep tonight? ‐Oh?

Got a little action lined up tonight, Radar?

Well, me and a couple of guys are going down

to the Purple Dragon in Daiwank.

It's supposed to be real nifty.

Oh, Radar, the Purple Dragon

is a Lockheed bomber packing crate they emptied

and stuck in a jukebox and a bunch of B‐girls on roller skates.

Yeah.

I wouldn't touch one of those girls if I was a ten‐foot pole.

‐Uh, but, sir... ‐Radar, do you remember

the training film you saw yesterday?

‐Oh, don't worry about me, sir. I know what to do. ‐Uh‐huh.

I'm not gonna get trench foot.

‐Have a good time. ‐Oh, thank you, sir.

Gentlemen, I make it 1800 hours.

We're all assembled. Let's begin.

Okay. First ace deals.

Here we go.

Oops.

‐Nice dealing, Henry. ‐That's embarrassing.

Did you cut those cards, Henry?

Somebody ought to cut Henry.

Easy, mate.

Okeydoke, ante up.

How 'bout a little five‐card stud?

Jake. Three of clubs.

Deuce. Lady.

Ooh. And a big ace for the dealer. Sorry about that.

‐Bet a buck blind. ‐Okay.

‐Call. ‐Call.

The winning hand is folding.

‐The pot is ripe. ‐Hi, sirs.

Sandwiches from the mess tent.

I hope everybody likes carrier pigeon.

There's ham, chicken and something brown that just lays there.

Here we go. Jack, four.

Pair of threes. Queen. Ace, four.

Everybody know Klinger?

‐This is Captain Pak. ‐Sir.

‐Major Freedman. ‐Ah, the psychiatrist.

Still trying to get out wearing dresses, Klinger.

Earrings with a sweater?

Klinger, be creative.

I remember a guy, insisted he was a cockroach

who would only crawl along the woodwork.

That was Private Kafka, I believe.

Then I had a young man who claimed to be reincarnated.

Said he was with Washington at Valley Forge,

and therefore he'd already done his military service.

Just a moment, Nurse. Hold it, people.

Lieutenant Rogers?

Yes, sir?

This man can't be put under. He's army counterintelligence.

Can't be anesthetized unless there's another C. I. D. man present.

In case he tells anything under sedation. Regulations.

Uh, I've notified your H.Q. There will be someone here in a hour.

And I guarantee you you're absolutely in no danger.

I think.

Thanks, Doc.

Five clams.

‐I'm out. ‐I'm in.

I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth jack?

Oh, well, not to worry.

Your five and up five.

That's mean.

I'm gonna beat the pants off you, lady.

‐Hey, where'd we get the kosher salami? ‐I brought it.

A little girl I knew at Berkeley sent it. She's a yenta now.

Okay, okay, here we go. Down and dirty.

‐(groans) ‐What's your problem, poker face?

I'm committing suicide.

Go out in turn, Sidney.

Oops, just found something, but I'll check.

Hey, I bought the fifth jack. I'm out.

Dealer bets ten bucks.

Colonel?

‐Uh, Colonel? ‐Let's see here.

Fondling your chips is very infantile.

‐Not now, Sidney. ‐Colonel?

‐Not now, Radar. ‐But, sir...

Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it or order five more.

All right, Klinger, I'll see your bet.

‐What do you got? ‐Full house.

Aces full of tens.

Oh, rats! Just missed.

‐A pair of deuces? ‐I don't have to show.

Sir, it's important.

And private.

Okay, deal me out.

What do you wanna play next, Sam?

Oh, five‐card stud.

High‐low. You can buy one at the end

and low hole card wild.

Now, that's inscrutable.

Wait a minute! Almost killed who?

I don't know what his name is, sir. You know how dark it is.

I was driving along, and then all of a sudden I felt this thump.

I think it was a thump.

Was it a thud or a thump?

No, it was more like a thump. It was real sharp‐like.

Yes, it was definitely a thump, sir... a Korean thump.

Why a Korean thump?

'Cause I ran over a Korean.

Holy mackerel, Radar! Hitting a Korean national!

They'll put you into the cooler till you're a little old corporal.

Yes, sir.

Just take it easy, son. Where is he?

‐He's in the hospital. ‐Let's go.

Yes, sir. I'm really sorry to take you away from your card game.

Ah, Radar, don't you think you mean more to me than a pair of deuces?

Thank you, one and all. A popular win.

Well, I think it's about time we separate the men from the boys around here.

‐You the new sheriff? ‐That's right, sonny.

And this here's the new schoolmarm.

Deal, Tex,

already.

No contusions, no abrasions, no bleeding.

That's good, isn't it, sir?

No bleeding is best, Radar.

Yes, sir.

How you feel, old timer?

Okay, Nurse, let's get some X rays,

find out if anything's broken.

‐Yes, sir. ‐These old bones snap like kindling.

Uh, gee, I sure am sorry, mister.

I think he understands.

Radar, let me know. I'll be at the game.

‐Whose deal is it? ‐I dealt last.

Oh, okay, it's me. Cut.

Five‐card draw, dollar and two, jacks or better, progressive.

Oh, I see the "conference" is in full swing.

Hi, Frank. What's new up on the mount?

Read any good commandments lately?

It's against regulations to gamble with an enlisted man.

You never enlisted, did you, Klinger?

When they came for me,

I ran like a thief right into Grand Central Station.

They trapped me in a pay toilet.

‐MCINTYRE: Beautiful. ‐Cost 'em four dollars in nickels to get me out.

I love a volunteer.

You know, during the physical,

they jabbed me with a coat hanger to get me to cough.

Boy, if this doesn't take the cake.

Officers laughing at a draft‐dodger

while a real soldier lies bleeding in O. R.

‐What do you mean, bleeding? ‐Who's bleeding in O. R.?

A C .I .D. man. His chopper crashed.

Looks like multiple internal injuries.

‐So why aren't you operating on him? ‐You can't anesthetize

a C. I. D. man unless there's another one present.

Well, that's crazy.

There's an officer on his way from H. Q. Be here anytime.

Anytime, Frank? How many minutes are there in an anytime, Frank?

I gave him two units. I assure you his condition is stable now.

Being a horse doctor you'd know that.

I lost a kid that way once.