Advanced Chemistry

- -Hey, you know the party is inside, right?

Um, yeah, of course.

-Uh, it-- it's just there's a... -Yeah.

...a meteor shower tonight.

Oh, cool. I had no idea.

Well, um, I'm a scientist, so.

Ooh, cool. Like an astronomer?

No. I, um... I study the science of human behavior.

-I'm a biochemist. -Mm.

-Well, I'm a bisexual. -

I mean, I usually go for girls, but I thought I might try

something different this year.

-Oh. Okay. - Yo, Allen!

It's almost midnight, bro.

We're about to watch the ball drop.

-Oh! Uh-- -Hi. I'm Marcia.

Sarah. We were just about to watch a star shower.

-Yeah. - That's very flattering,

but, uh, usually I don't let anyone watch me shower

-until after the second date. -

-You're funny. -You're correct. And cute.

-Thank you. You're cute too. -

- Ten, nine... -You know, Sarah, I have a serious problem.

-Oh, no! -Um, it's almost midnight, and I don't have anyone to kiss.

-Oh, uh-- hey, I don't have anyone to kiss either. - Oh, no.

...okay.

- -

Happy New Year.

-Ooh! -

- - Do you hear that?

- No. -

-Happy new year. -

- -

Oh. Lisa.

Fantastic stuff. Allen, ready for review?

Uh, hi, Jim. That's, uh, that's set for Friday.

-Change of plans. Friday, I go skydiving. -Oh!

And starting next week,

I want both of you to do some field work.

We can't be sure what works in the lab

will also work in the voles' natural environment.

-Although Lisa's project probably will. -Oh!

I have no reason to doubt that mine will also work in the field.

Glad you don't.

Uh, I'm gonna put you in charge of organizing the field lab.

Lisa is far too busy doing some important work.

Well, you know, my research could be revolutionary.

-Helping people be monogamous and truly find bonding-- -Boring!

Lisa's work could actually help women experience

total sexual freedom!

With no concerns for feelings getting in the way!

Uh...

Okay, yeah, I get it.

Where's your presentation?

Oh. Uh, okay.

So, uh, I am, I am, uh, generating data,

characterizing, uh, hormones and the way

they affect behavior such as bonding.

-One second, this is just-- -Lisa.

Lixi. The nanodrug that balances hormones.

Nanoparticles are administered via injection and enter

into the subject's bloodstream.

The nanodrugs then track the subject's hormone levels and transmit the data

via an AI, which then sends optimal levels back.

The nanos trigger cell receptors

and then activate and close accordingly.

The subject's hormones are balanced,

resulting in greater behavioral and emotional health.

If the subject is anxious,

Lixi can upregulate positive neurochemicals.

If the subject has repressed feelings,

such as for a romantic interest,

Lixi can theoretically lift social blocks,

increase confidence, and allow them to bond again.

While Lixi is in its early stages,

-my initial findings are promising. -

- So-- Whoa! -Yeah. It's great.

-Wonderful work, Lisa! Wow! -

So, got some news.

We had budget cuts

and we can only fund one of you next year.

Wh-- what? Wait. Ho-- how can that be?

-We're in the middle of, of a r-- research-- -Not, not, not my--

not, not my decision. If you wanna talk any further,

-I'm available. Uh-- No! -Yeah, of course.

-Because we need to know what-- -Not-- not, not now.

I have dinner plans.

You might say it's a date, uh, because I'm pretty sure it is.

But, Allen, as for the review,

for now, it will have to be failure to be reviewed.

Wha-- no--

Oh, gosh.

-That's cold. -Damn it. I'm probably the one who's gonna be screwed.

-Yep. -I think he'd be more into my work,

with vasopressin and oxytocin increasing bonding and monogamous behavior.

I'd imagine, if he found someone who really liked him, he'd want to keep them.

-DEFCON 4! That means Orange Alert. -

-Hit the deck. -

Good drill. Safety Officer Nancy approves.

That's the third time this month!

Man, Safety Officer Nancy really loves her job.

Holy shit. She terrifies me.

Oh, well, on the bright side,

you probably won't have to deal with it much longer.

- -

So, no Sarah tonight?

Hard to be your wing woman when my wife is there.

And a lot harder to pick up other women.

How can you say you love Sarah when you do that?

Man, we've been over this already.

I come from a long line of cheaters,

and when I took the 23andMe test,

-it said I'm 89% cheater. -

But enough about me and my woman.

-Let's get you laid. -You know I'm not just looking for that.

Yeah, I know. You're a nice boy who wants a wife,

but in order to do that,

you need to talk to a female first.

-I talk to females all the time. -

Most of them are rodents.

Excuse me. Uh, my friend would like to buy you drinks.

-Your friend? -Yep. That, uh, rich, sexy devil over there.

Oh. I'm, uh, not rich. I'm just a scientist.

Oh, he's being modest. He won't tell you about his giant package, either.

- Hmm. -I mean, his retirement package.

So, Mr. Mai Tai, you're a scientist?

Uh, for now. I just found out I may lose my job.

Oh. Sorry.

So what kind of science?

I'm working with voles right now.

-They're a kind of rodent. -Ew. Gross.

I mean, it is one of God's creatures,

but still gross.

I'm making some discoveries

that could help fix the behavior of cheaters.

By playing with chemicals, we can control

whether voles are monogamous or polygamous.

Humans have those same chemicals and women who tend to cheat

have shorter oxytocin receptors.

You don't need to single out women.

Men cheat more than women.

More than some women.

In theory, if we increase a person's vasopressin and oxytocin,

they become more inclined to monogamy.

There's still a lot of research to do, but this could be the first

really impactful work I've done.

I just hope I can finish, you know, before--

Why don't you two keep talking while Jen and I...

-Jen is straight. -I'm, I'm sure she was. But Marcia...

Uh, so, uh, you're a Catholic school teacher?

Does that mean you're religious?

I'm sorry. That's a stupid question, right?

I'm a little religious, but not crazy religious.

I only go to Mass on Sunday. And on Monday... through Friday.

But never on Saturday.

I also, uh, play air guitar.

I need to use the restroom.

Oh. Okay. Sure.

Why are we winking?

I love you, Jesus.

Hail Mary, full of grace!

- -

-Hey, baby. - Hey.

Uh. Bad news.

I'm gonna be at the office late tonight.

Oh, uh. No worries.

Same here.

I love you.

And, uh, I love you.

Okay, baby, I gotta get to work, okay?

Or I'm gonna be in big trouble.

Oh, you're the best boss ever.

- -Shit! Uh,

-let's pretend I'm not here. -Okay.

- Marcia, honey. - Oh, shit!

- Oh, God, get your shit-- - Honey.

Wait. Save that for later.

- - Marcia. Honey?

-Surprise! Hey, babe! -Hey!

-Hi! -You know, I was actually on the way here when I was calling.

-Wha-- Yeah. -Emily wasn't at her desk, so I just let myself in.

That's crazy. Uh, well, you did surprise me.

You know, why don't-- why don't we go out for dinner?

Why spend all that money on a restaurant

-when I packed us a picnic lunch? -

-Just like our first date. -Oh!

That is so fucking sweet.

-Why are you so good to me? -Because you're my soul mate, dummy.

-Yeah, I am. I fucking love you. -

-Let's go eat in the conference room. -No, no, no, no, no, no.

-You know, I thought maybe we could eat some food. -Uh-huh.

And a... variety of other things in here.

You do have a private office.

Yeah, I do! Uh, this is very private.

Just a lot of work on the desk.

-I don't, you know, wanna make a mess. -Yeah.

-Just-- -I think we should. I mean, that's half the fun, right?