Two and a Half Men

Hi, future me.

This is 17-year-old you in your dorm room at MIT.

Yeah, that's right.

I did my own Pop Up Video.

How cool is that?

Still is.

Hopefully you're watching this from your implanted brain chip

aka the "Tran-Schmidter."

Running proprietary software

developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.

Failing that hopefully you've at least seen a girl naked.

Hey, what you watching?

Check this out, I had all my old videotapes

digitized, and I found this.

Oh, my God, is that you?

You were nothing more than an awkward

pimply-faced, goofy-looking teenager.

We would've been best friends.

Yeah, I made it when I was at MIT.

It outlines everything I wanted to accomplish

by the time I turned 35.

Oh, I did a similar thing.

Well, it wasn't so much a video as, uh

something I wrote on a cocktail napkin.

"Don't kill yourself. It'll get better."

I was so naive.

I hope you've accomplished your first goal

as previously stated, of seeing a girl naked.

And I'm talking in person.

Which I did a short 18 months later.

'Goal number two.'

Create your own software company

that revolutionizes the industry standard

for information transferal at blinding speeds.

Hear that?

56k dial-up.

In four hours I will have downloaded

the entire Spice Girls album.

After building your company from the ground up

you will sell it for..

...one million dollars.

Well, that didn't happen.

I sold it for one billion dollars.

Yeah, baby!

Don't.

Just, just don't.

Number three

live in a beautiful beach house.

Nailed it.

With the love of your life.

Nailed it.

Although it is kinda hard to meet someone

when you spend 20 hours a day in the computer lab.

Phyllis is now Phil.

He's a commercial fisherman in Baton Rouge.

But I'm sure all this hard work will be worth it someday

when you're watching this video with your beautiful wife

four kids, two dogs and robot butler

'developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.'

Hello, Walden.

Would you like a root beer?

Heck, yeah.

Where did my life take such a wrong turn?

What are you talking about?

I don't have any of those things that matter.

No wife, no kids.

All I have is you.

Well..

...we could adopt.

'Watching this video with your beautiful wife'

'four kids, two dogs and robot butler'

'developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.'

Hey.

Oh, hey.

- What are you doing up? - Alan is sleep-sobbing again.

You still watching this thing?

I'm a failure, Lyndsey.

No, you're not, Walden.

Although you looked like one in college.

Yeah, I kinda did.

I mean, I wouldn't have slept with you.

and I slept with everybody.

Got it.

I even slept with the janitor in my dorm.

Is this supposed to cheer me up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look, when I was 18

I was convinced I was gonna marry Axl Rose

and have my own TV show.

Well, they don't give TV shows to people

just 'cause they're good-looking.

You know, Walden, just 'cause your life

didn't turn out the way you thought

doesn't mean it's not a success.

I mean, how many people can say they're a billionaire?

One thousand two hundred and twenty-six.

Seriously?

That's a lot more than I thought.

Do you know 'em all?

Well, there's not a club or anything.

But Buffett does host a poker game once a month.

- Last time, I won Guatemala. - Wow.

And then I lost at the end

to the woman who invented Spanx.

Money doesn't mean anything

if I don't have anyone to share it with.

Oh, I get that.

But you're not going to meet anybody

sitting on your couch feeling sorry for yourself.

Are you?

I guess not.

Damn.

I just don't get relationships.

Nobody does.

They're scary and messy.

And sometimes you get involved

with somebody you don't really like and..

...one day, you find yourself peeing on a stick.

And the plus sign shows up and you have to give up

your dreams of being an actress so you can raise a kid

who can only do math when he's figuring out the cost of weed.

Pep talks really aren't your strong suit, are they?

I'm just saying

things happen, but you can't give up.

I mean, if I had stopped looking

I never would've found my amazing, wonderful boyfriend.

Oh, you're cheatin' on Alan?

'Hey.'

Uh, would you eat expired pudding?

- No. - Oh, good.

Then I can have it.

Knock yourself out.

What're you doing?

I'm looking for this card, and I can't..

Ah, there it is.

"Emily's Elite and Discreet Introductions."

Oh, fancy call girls.

I like it.

No, it's a dating service.

Oh, right. "Dating service."

Wink-wink.

You know, I want to like you

but sometimes you make it so hard.

"Substantial relationships for substantial people."

Ah, big girls.

Get your smoosh on.

They throw mixers for single rich people.

I wouldn't think you'd be into that kinda thing.

You've always been a-a fate kinda guy.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna create my own fate. Lyndsey's right.

I'm not gonna find anyone sitting around here

feelin' sorry for myself.

No, you're not.

Are you?

- What? - Nothing.

Hey, uh, can I go along?

- No, you have Lyndsey. - I'd be doing it for her.

Look, I'll find a rich, 90 year-old woman with a bad ticker

give her the best three minutes of her life

and then, you know, send her out with a bang.

Then spend my inheritance on Lyndsey.

Or whatever's left after my grief cruise.

Again, you make it really hard to like you.

- I just want a sugar mama. - Yeah, you have one.

Her name is Walden.

Walden, we have a great mixer tonight.

I hope you're ready to meet some substantial women.

Yep, I'm ready to get my smoosh on.

I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous.

Don't be. Everyone here is rich and looking for love.

The only woman in this room

who wants you for your money is me.

- Happy mingling. - Okay.

Hello.

Hello.

- Trust fund or tech? - Excuse me?

The way you're dressed means you're either

the beneficiary of a trust fund or in the tech business.

Unless you're working here in which case

I need another drink.

Ac-actually, I'm in tech.

I started my own company when I was--

What do your Fridays look like?

Uh, a lot like my Thursdays, just one day later.

A sense of humor.

Some people find that attractive.

Are you one of them?

I love to laugh.

Now, I've got Friday evenings

Sunday afternoons and ski season.

- How does that work for you? - So..

Don't you wanna at least know my name?

Really?

We have to do all this?

Alright, I'm Sylvia Miller and I'm the CEO

of a major pharmaceutical company.

- Wow, very impressive. - Yes.

Every time you get an erection, you owe me ten dollars.

See? Sense of humor. Now, Fridays and Sundays.