In Living Color

- -

We have a very full agenda today. Let's get started.

- Justice Thomas, take your seat, please. - Uh, sure.

Just call me Clarence. Just makin' sure everybody had a hot cup of coffee.

Just wanna make sure everyone's happy.

You know me. Nothin' wrong with kissin' a little butt.

Thank you, Justice.

Okay. Our first case is the State of Washington versus...

Kareem Johnson ... discrimination.

- Nay. - Nay.

Double nay.

Don't you even want to discuss the case, Justice Thomas?

Oh, come on. The guy's a whiner.

You let one black guy complain about discrimination...

and the next thing you know you have the...

State of Washington v. Kool & The Gang.

Let 'em get a job the old-fashioned way. Let 'em earn it.

Uh, you want another bran muffin?

- I could use some more coffee, Clarence. - Sure thing.

Okay. Let's move on to the case of Springfield Police Department versus...

Hector Rodriguez Gonzales.

- - Justice Thomas.

Uh, me? Uh, well, uh...

how are the rest of you guys gonna vote?

- I'm voting for the police department. - Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Yeah, the police department. I mean, come on. They fired four warning shots.

Unfortunately, three of them hit the guy.

But, hey, if you're gonna jaywalk in front of Winchell's, don't come cryin' to us.

I say, uh, whatever the rest of you guys say.

Justice Thomas, I realize this is your first day...

but you've got to relax.

Take it easy. You're going to be here for the rest of your life.

Uh, wait a minute. Um, I have this job for the rest of my life?

You're just like Daryl Gates. They can't get rid of you.

So-So-So...

So, let me get this straight.

No matter what I do, no matter who I piss off, I'm here to stay?

- More or less, yes. - Oh, man!

- Justice Thomas! - I'd love a refill on my coffee.

Yo, man, you better get out of my face.

This ain't no damn Denny's. Get it yourself.

Excuse me, baby.

Now let's get back to this case involving my main man, Rodriguez.

Now this is clearly a case of"po-lice" brutality.

Five minutes ago, you were against him.

Yeah, well, five minutes ago, I was a black judge appointed by Bobo, the white president.

- Well, what are you now? - I'm your darkest nightmare...

a black judge with a powerful hung jury.

- Clarence! - You call me Mister Thomas.

This is a complete outrage!

The unmitigated gall!

You have betrayed everyone who worked to put you on this court.

Look here, man, I don't know what you said...

but I am awfully sorry... I guess you thought you knew Clarence Thomas.

- But I'm just talkin' about Clarence. - We can dig it!

Now, see here!

If you leave, don't come back!

This is unacceptable!

This is unacceptable!

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

Adiós, señorita.

¡A y.! ¡Dios mío.! Thief! Stop!

Those men ... they stole my fruit.!

If only El Rocketeer were here to save me.

- - Who was that hombre?

And where the hell did he come from?

Gracias, Rocketeer. Gracias.

He is the law and order from the south of the border.

He is El Grande y Spectacular Muchacho Rocketeer.

Coming this summer to theaters everywhere.

And look for your El Muchacho Rocketeer glasses and mugs...

at your participating Taco Bell and Del Taco.

- - All right, people. Freeze!

Now, this is Al Macafee, your metal shop teacher.

Now, I got a dirty job to do, so listen up, kids.

The local school board has ordered me to distribute condoms to you students.

Personally, I don't get it. You can't say a prayer in front of you kids...

but it's okay for me to teach you how to Saran Wrap your jolly parts.

Here, take 'em. Take as many as you like. See what I care.

But let me tell you somethin', missy. You are drag racin' with a loaded gun.

I'm gonna call your parents and tell 'em what you're up to.

- Mr. Macafee, I don't even want these. - Yeah, I'm not fooled.

I was young once too. I know what it's like to be a...

steaming cauldron of lust...

wantin' it...

burnin' for it.

Lying in bed at night... those cold sheets rubbin' against your...

soft, hot, prepubescent flesh.

- You're sick! - You can't fool the Mac Man, baby!

I know you're just a one-woman welcome wagon for the incoming freshmen.

What's this? Why don't you take a hike, you little trollop.

Now, how many times have I told you about fraternizing between classes, Hardison?

- What the hell is this? - Geez, Mr. Macafee. Those are crib notes for my math class.

Yeah? I'll be the judge of this.

"The input of the square root into 'Y "'...

"The angle of the hypotenuse is equal to"...

Why, this is smut, mister.

Mr. Macafee, now I'll never figure out that problem.

This is the kind of problem you should be trying to figure out on your wedding night.

- Four eyes. - You've ruined everything.

Well, maybe I'd better give you Mr. Macafee's speech on "permiscuity."

- - When you think with your crotch, you're gonna end up crotchety.

Just remember that one of those nights when you got a party in your pants.

Get outta here.

Now, this is what I like to see...

a couple of young, spirited bucks getting ready to play one of your boyish pranks.

- "Young Buck's" my middle name, Mr. Macafee. - I know what you're doin'.

Heck, I used to love to do a little bit of that myself when I was a lad.

You're gonna fill 'em up with water, take 'em on the roof, throw 'em off, huh, boys?

Well, we was goin' to the roof.

There you go. Take as many as you like.

Go ahead, boys. Have a good time.

- Wow. You're kind of firm. You been workin' out, son? - Thank you, Mr. Macafee.

Bye-bye now.

- Oh, stop right there, princess. - Back off, Macafee.

You know, the combination of Al "Mac-a-licious" Macafee and fine American latex...

can be quite intoxicating.

What do you say we take a couple of these babies out and see what they can do.

Kind of push the envelope. I got a bottle of baby oil in my locker.

I wouldn't be in a room with you and one of those things...

if I could watch you pull it over your big head and suffocate.

It's this, huh, baby? The old bum hip.

Well, let me tell you something. When a man loses the use of one of his appendages...

all the others work that much harder.

You know, they used to call me Lizard Tongue.

You didn't know that, did you?

Oh, she wants me.

Excuse me, young lady. What seems to be the problem?

Don't you want any prophylactics, honey?

Gee, Mr. Macafee, I don't really have any use for them.

Yeah, I understand.

I guess you just aren't having much luck with the boys, huh, honey?

I tell you what. There's your problem, little lady. You're out of shape.

A few hundred sit-ups in the morning will burn that beer belly right off.

You know, I think it's time you heard Mr. Macafee's speech on courtship.

Boys don't make passes at girls with fat asses.

- Now take a lesson! -

Hey, Macafee, man. You know, I really dig what you're doin' with this condom thing.

Well, thanks, son. You got quite a hell of a grip there.

Yeah, man. A lot of teachers... they make us feel weird about this kind of stuff.

But, see, you cool, man. You down with the brothers.

Thanks a lot, my boy.

Yeah. I think when the kids need somebody to talk to...

they know they can always turn to me, Al Macafee.

- - All right. Carry on, kids!

I'll never forget the first time I kissed a girl.

It was in the backseat of my dad's old Impala.

Yeah, man. Makin'out in your old man's car.

My dad had a Volkswagen.

I couldn't do much of anything in the backseat of that thing.

The first time I did it, I was in a little red Corvette...

with Sheena Easton and Vanity.

The craziest thing I ever did was break up with my high school sweetheart.

Man, when it comes to women, we're always doin'something crazy.