Samuel the Boy Prophet

Look, I'm not going to Italy. Okay?

The job there no longer exists.

- No... - (water sloshing)

No... No.

Noooooo!

- Sound off! - Happy!

- Sound off! - Birthday!

Both: Happy birthday, Kevin!

- Here. - No. Thank you.

Hurry up, before the wax starts dripping on you and it gets all kinky up in here.

- (hoots) - Yay! Happy birthday, Kev.

Okay, down these. You're gonna need a good stomach coating

- for the direction we're headed. - Yeah, guys, I have to work.

Don't you have today off?

No. People work on their birthdays.

No, they don't.

No. If George Washington was alive, he wouldn't.

- Or Abraham Lincoln. - Or Martin Luther King.

Well, sometimes he would, depending on where he worked.

Yum. Thank you. Thank you, guys, so much.

I really appreciate this, but nothing else. Okay?

I just want to put this year behind me, celebrate by not celebrating.

Nobody at the office even knows it's my birthday today.

All right, Kev. We totally get it.

No celebrating. No problem.

It's the last time we talk about it.

- Thank you. - Both: Bye!

Okay, here's the thing.

I know my brother better than he knows himself, right?

And when he says, he doesn't want to celebrate,

- what he really means... - Yeah.

- No, he doesn't want to. - Not at all.

Oh. No thanks. I already had pancakes this morning.

Wow, fancy.

Nope. No, nothing fancy.

Just regular old pancakes on a regular old day.

I would hardly call it regular.

What? Why? Why not? Why wouldn't you? You wouldn't? Why?

Because we have to redo the sales packet

for the Hemet Women's Correctional Center.

Apparently, some of the nutritional values were off.

Oh, man. That was so much work.

But, you know, nice to see that the only

grams those ladies are counting now are sugar.

- (both laugh) - (phone ringing)

Superior Foods and Beverages. Kevin Daily speaking.

Kevin, Rutgar's not good. I'm at the hospital.

It might be the end... (coos) but him's a tough soldier.

Julia, it's Audrey. I'm so sorry.

Oh, I know, it's really tough, sweetie.

He's like a little kitten, a kitten with incontinence issues.

But I'm not leaving my furbaby's side.

So, Kevin, you're in charge.

I want you to do whatever it takes to get that sales packet in tonight.

- Me? Perfect. - What was that?

I can't hear you over all of Rutgy's moaning.

Oh, I just said... Purrrfect.

Kevin, I need you at your best today and that joke wasn't it.

- You're right. - Just be my responsible Kevs.

Clean up any mess and finish any deal. Okay?

You're my cleaner and my closer... my double-C.

- Is there anything I can do, Julia? - Just listen to Kevin,

and just pray that little R-man pulls through.

But I meant in a leadership role...

You said you'd get me a private! I want a private room, damn it!

Hey, you know, she's just... she's just going through a lot.

I mean, those kitty moans were pretty bad.

It's fine. She sees you as responsible,

and she wants to give you the opportunity to be in charge.

I don't begrudge you.

Opportunity? Are you kidding me?

Responsibility is a curse, especially here.

In charge, just means you're a referee...

- (muffled grumbling) - Guys, guys, guys! Stop fighting!

There is enough for both of you. Okay?

Just... share the schmear.

Constantly solving ridiculous problems...

Turn over your staplers and just read the name tape on the bottom,

and, uh, see if you have the right one.

- (whimpers) - Now, please. Let's do it now.

- Putting out fires. - (alarm beeping)

You underestimate them.

I think they are smart and capable,

it's up to the person in charge to mold that.

- (scoffs) - Here.

Maybe this will help inspire you.

Progressive ideas I've collected on studies,

business journals, think tanks...

- Kevin, there is an emergency! - What? What is it?

Simon says my herbal lumbar pillow is his.

Oh, this day...

This day will be an endless day in hell.

So with Julia unable to leave her... relative's side today,

it's up to us to redo the sales packet by the end of the day.

That means working through lunch.

- (grumbling) - I'm sorry.

Okay, Ricky, you are on soft drinks.

Simon, you are on chips. Uh, Garfunkle, you...

- Never mind. - (clears throat)

Whose fault is it we have to do the sales packet again?

I spent six hours confirming that there aren't any nuts in the smoothies

and I don't plan on doing it again.

There was some rat hair, though.

Ricky, it's not any one individual who's at fault. Okay?

We just need you to finish collecting the beverage data.

Just... don't worry about anything other than that. Okay? Everybody, good?

Let's do it, people. Good stuff.

Wow, did you ever miss an opportunity for dialoguing.

But, you know, whatever, you're in charge.

No dialoguing.

Trust me, the more that you give them, the more that they want.

- They're like squirrels. - What?

You know, when you feed them like one nut by hand

'cause you think it'll be fun, but then they just keep sneaking back...

- You feed squirrels? - Yeah. No. What? Forget it.

I'm not... I've done it like four times. I don't know, it's not a thing.

Okay.

Patti! What are you doing here? Out shopping?

Yeah. It was either Rodeo Drive

or this depressing cinder-block building.

No. Since my daddy dates your boss,

he arranged for me to come and work here to see if I like it.

Who's your daddy?

Our night of passion is long forgotten. Please move on.

Anyhow, my dad thinks that running a blog

about how your dad is on you to get a real job isn't a real job.

Julia's actually out right now, but if you're serious about working,

you know, we could probably use the help.

You can be our Superior Foods and Beverages intern.

Well, the superior part works.

Okay, where's your kitchen?

I need a snack to recharge after my drive.

I had a very stressful Uber experience.

Ugh.

- Okay, so where are the snacks? - I'll show you. I'm Ricky.

You look like a high-class dominatrix.

I'm Patti. From this moment forward, you shall be my work husband.

Accepted.

I'm so glad you heard Kevin's cry for party help.

I thought I was the only one.

Roxie, if you weren't his sister, I'd be like damn,

that girl that looks like him and has same last name,

knows him just as well as I do.

Oh! We need to make room for a dance floor.

- But Kevin hates dancing. - Oh, you're right.

Let me tell you something. I love it.

- Me too. - Oh yeah?

We'll see about that.

- (hip-hop music playing) - How much you like this?

- A lot. - How much?

- A lot! - How much?!

- A lot! - (scatting)

I broke the lamp! Ha! Oh, I broke the lamp.

Oh, it's fine. Just leave it. We'll blame it on the drunkest guest later.

- Wait, that's going to be me. - You.

- Let's plan this bitch. - Let's plan it!

Patti: Uh, I thought this was a food business?

All you guys have to eat are these multi-grain doorstops.

Patti? Hi. Can I just get you to look over these papers

from the Hemet Women's Correctional Center?

I need to know the monthly number of snacks per inmate.

- I'd say it's 25 to life. - (laughter)

Okay, people.

I know that it's kind of a drag to have to do this work

since we've already all done it once.

But there's really nothing that we can do. Okay? So, let's do it.

Mm! Wish you had been this forceful during our night together.

What happened to leaving that behind us?

You embarrassed me by giving me work and expecting me to do it.

So I retaliated with that mild emasculation.

- (sing-songy) Ricky? - Yes, my queen.

Patti: Come with me.

Audrey: You'll get more out of your employees

if you make them feel like their contributions mold the company.

Hmm. Patti's only contribution is just being a roving stand-up,

which really isn't molding anything, you know, especially with that material.

It's mostly hacky observational stuff, but it just seems to kill.

Hello? Mrs. Swane.

What? Slow down.

No, no, no. Nope. Nope, don't call the police.

I'm... I'll come home right now,

and I'll just take care of everything.

I'll see you soon. Thank you.

Well, I've got to go. There's a problem in my apartment, of course.

'Cause it's not enough that I'm dealing with all of the problems here.

Okay.

But, hey, you wanted to be in charge. Right?

- So, you got it, sister. - Really?

I'm gonna be back as soon as I possibly can.

Yep. Take your time. My binder and I got it covered.

Garfunkle: Give me it!

Already coming in handy.

Okay everyone.