M*A*S*H

Does the Colonel wish to dictate a letter?

No, no, I was just gonna write one to my wife.

Our anniversary's coming up shortly.

Oh. Congratulations, sir.

Thank you. Are you married, Radar?

No, sir.

I'm just a kid.

Well, when you get back home,

you oughtta find yourself a nice girl.

Uh, first I wanna get a '46 Chevy.

I've had 27 wonderful years with Mrs. Potter.

Well, yes, sir.

Can't get that kind of mileage out of a Chevy.

Oh, I never ride the clutch, sir.

Finished the daily report?

Uh, yes, I did, sir.

Notify the officer of the day?

Done. I've done and did everything

you told me to done and, uh, do, sir.

Relax, Radar. Smoke if you've got 'em.

I'm just a kid, sir.

Would you like to clean up the office?

Oh, yes, sir. That would be nice.

That's‐‐ I did‐‐ That's one of my best things.

POTTER (thinking): "My dearest Mildred..."

"My dearest Mildred.

"Well, one more year has rolled around,

"and we are facing another anniversary

"away from each other.

"Thanks for the talcum powder.

"Took a long walk yesterday and didn't chafe a lick.

"Tickled to hear you got your corn removed.

"Wish I were there to dance with you.

"As for me,

"I'm still tryin' to get used to this outfit.

"It's not easy.

"I'm the new kid on the block,

"and they've all got their own little ways.

"Like my company clerk, a young boy they call 'Radar.'

"Nice enough, but... little squirrelly.

"Of course, he's been over here a long time.

"As your cousin Natalie said,

"and she's been quoted by so many,

"'War is hell.'"

"Someone's at the door, dear."

Uh, yes, sir.

Colonel.

‐Major. Major. ‐Colonel.

What can I do you for?

Uh, with‐‐ with your permission, sir,

we'd like to take your picture.

For the unit yearbook, sir.

I didn't know you had a yearbook.

‐Oh, yes. ‐Oh, yes. We've had one every year.

Starting with this one.

What kind of pose would you like?

‐Um, standing. ‐Sitting.

‐Standing would be better, Major. ‐Not sitting?

Standing is very difficult to do when you're sitting.

Why don't I stand?

Uh, uh...

‐MARGARET: An F‐4 and 1/100th. ‐FRANK: Yes, yes.

‐Uh, sir. ‐FRANK: Huh?

I think it would be better with a 2.8 and a 1/25th.

Keep your exposures to yourself! Hold it!

Now a side view.

No, you stay, sir. He'll move. Move!

Protection. Protection, yes.

Neat.

Thank you, Colonel. Thank you very much.

No sweat, I'm sure.

Major. Colonel.

Curious, aren't they?

Oh, just about each other.

Well, sir, I'm all finished now,

unless you've got some more dirt that I don't know about.

That's all. Were my shirts delivered by that laundry woman?

She's a little slow, sir. Her ox is sick.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

‐RADAR: Sirs. ‐Hm?

Um, I‐‐ I was just wondering, uh,

would you mind taking a picture of me with your camera?

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

Morning, Radar.

Uh, good morning, Father.

Um, I was just testing the wind direction.

Ah, it's north.

How about a date right after chow?

They ran out of poodle.

What will we do?

We could go to the generator shed

and watch the valves go up an down.

‐Captain, can I talk to you, sir? ‐Uh, just a second, lad.

‐There's bird watching. ‐At night?

‐Bat watching? ‐It's not important, sir.

Meet me in the Swamp, Radar.

Oh, thank you, sir.

‐Why don't we just go to your tent? ‐Uh‐uh.

What's the matter, you live with your folks?

You know how to knock, soldier?

Sure, sir.

Just traipsing in.

Now, suppose I'd been engaged in some top‐secret,

hush‐hush, confidential activity, huh?

Oh, I peeked first to see if Major Houlihan was here, sir.

You little fink!

‐Who's a little fink? ‐I am, sir.

You may think it's all right to give enlisted men

free run of our quarters.

‐I disapprove. ‐I told him to meet me.

Oh, well, who do you think you are?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

surgeon, U. S. Army involuntary.

Your hand is filthy.

I was leaning against a dusty nurse.

For a change.

Where you goin', Frank?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

Witty dog.

I'm probably responsible for his leaving.

Ah. Come in more often.

What's up, Radar?

Oh. It's Colonel Potter.

Gee, I just can't get relaxed around him.

It's like staying with your aunt instead of your mother.

You gotta say "please."

You can't dunk your Zwieback in your Bosco.

You're not used to him yet, Radar.

‐Give him time. ‐Oh, no, no, no!

I spent 15 summers with my aunt.

Always came home with hyperacidity.

Ol' Henry Blake was like his father.

Oh, yeah.

Taught me everything about life and everything.

Even women.

‐HAWKEYE: I know. ‐I can't wait to get home and try it out.

Give Potter a chance, Radar. He's okay.

No, no, it's not the same! It's my aunt all over again.

‐Chopper. ‐(helicopter blades whirring)

MAN (over P. A.): Incoming chopper.

No wounded. Repeat, no wounded.

Just mail for a few luckies.

‐MAN: Here you go, Corporal. ‐Thank you, sir.

I wanna check the tail rotor cables,

and then, uh, y'all got a sharpshooter around here?

We've got four rifles in this outfit,

and one of them's a reading lamp.

Well, we got a wounded horse up north.

Left there by the Chinese.

I wanna put the critter out of its misery.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute!

You just gonna shoot it?

Well, I think he's pretty badly hurt.

Well, you can't do that.

Radar, the animal's probably suffering.

Well, that doesn't mean you have to kill it.

‐It's got rights. ‐Well, what else can I do?

Well, these sirs are doctors, sir.

So maybe they can save it.

Come on. I'll go with ya.

Would youse, huh?

Please? Pretty please?

‐You get the feeling we're in a Lassie movie? ‐Please?

‐All right, okay. ‐Okay.

‐Will you help us? ‐Sure.

POTTER (thinking): "Sorry I had to leave you for a minute,

"Mildred, dear.

"I walked over from my office to the mess tent

"for a cup of Joe.

"Can't say much for the coffee here.

"But if I run out of ink, I'm covered. Ha, ha."

‐Colonel? ‐Padre.

‐Little coffee break? ‐Yes, sir.

I've been hearing confessions all morning.

It gets me right in through here.

Enjoyed the sermon Sunday.

Oh, yes. "Do unto thy brother."

You know, you can't miss if you've got good material.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to run.

More confessions?

Dysentery.

Ah, well, "This too shall pass."

"Excuse me, Mildred. That was Father Mulcahy.

"You'd like him. Very dedicated, fine young priest.

"Every once in a while he'll surprise the putteez of ya.

"The other night we were watching a movie...

Three to one, I'll take the Indians.

It's a bet. Five bucks.

‐What's the name of this picture? ‐"Custer's Last Stand."

Hey, you're ruining my picture!

‐(all exclaiming) ‐KLINGER: Lights. Lights.

‐Can you fix it, Corporal? ‐I think so, sir.

Don't you have another picture?

Just one, a training film.

"Fungus of the Feet."

Starring Fred Astaire.

How long will it take, Corporal?

Uh, few minutes, sir.

Aww.

Patience is its own reward, folks.