Two and a Half Men

Would you like the last sausage?

Oh, how about we split it?

Okay.

Meet you in the middle.

Oh.

Okay.

Sexy.

Aw.

Nothing says love like a little morning pork.

Oh, hey.

You're home early.

How was Vegas?

Never again.

Oh, you lost?

No, Alan.

I won so much freaking money that I'm embarrassed to go back.

All right... well, uh,

you remember Melissa?

Of course he remembers me, Alan.

He deflowered me, then dumped me.

No offense, sweetheart, but your flower

had been plucked and potted long before I met you.

Okay, okay, look.

Look, we're all adults here.

This doesn't have to be awkward, you know.

I mean, sure... Melissa is my receptionist,

and sure, she was with you,

and sure, that ended badly, but, uh ...

Okay, I guess this does have to be awkward.

Honey, shouldn't we be getting ready for work?

Yes, yes, let's do that.

You want to shower together? Oh, great, great.

Uh, let me just, uh, start without you.

There's a couple of things I'd like to prewash.

There's a mental image I didn't need.

Charlie, I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I'm happy for you and Alan,

and I will kick myself for the rest of my life

for losing someone as special as you.

No, silly, it's about something else.

Oh, good, 'cause evenI didn't believe that.

Alan's birthday is next Saturday.

Really?

I don't think so.

Yeppers. He's gonna be 40.

Wow, that is so weird.

My baby brother's gonna be 40.

How old are you?

39.

That's what makes it so weird.

Anyway, I think we should have a party for him.

Why?

Because it's an important birthday,

and he deserves a big party

with all his friends and loved ones.

All right... all right, let's break this down.

You want him to get what he deserves.

You want it to be with his friends and loved ones,

and you want it to be big.

Uh-huh. Pick one.

Come on, Charlie. Don't be such a pooper.

If it's gonna be a fun party, I need your help.

You want it to be fun?

Don't invite Alan.

Charlie... Okay.

Okay, you know who would love to help you out with this?

Our mom.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Nothing she likes better

than extending herself for other people.

Good idea.

I'll give her a call.

You do that.

Wait till she hears Alan's 40.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Charlie.

Wake up. I need to talk to you.

Don't move.

Don't blink.

Maybe she'll think you're dead and leave.

I know you can hear me, Charlie.

She's bluffing.

Just stay still.

: Okay, don't panic.

You've experienced oxygen deprivation before.

I can't breathe, Mom.

Oh, good, you're awake.

What can I do for you?

I received a very unsettling message on my answering machine,

and I would like you to explain it to me.

Okay, look.

Sometimes the liquor makes me say hateful things.

No, this message was from some woman named Melissa.

Alan's receptionist.

Really?

From the sound of her voice, I'd guess she earns her living

baking cookies in a hollow tree.

Anyway, she's somehow gotten it into her head

that Alan is turning 40 on Saturday.

Yeah, so?

Is she insane?

Running around telling people my son is 40?

I know.

She's a bad person.

That's not all.

She wants me to help with a party.

Where in God's name

could she have gotten such an idea?

Beats me.

Maybe the fact that you're his mother

confused the poor girl.

Oh, you're up.

You've been cleaning in there this whole time?

Sure, let's say I was cleaning.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, if you're going out today,

can I pull your car out of the garage?

No, I don't want you pulling my car out of the garage.

Okay, I won't.

From now on.

Hey, what's, uh... what's going on up here?

Oh, terrific.

This meeting of the worst club in the history of the world

can now come to order.

Madam President, you have the floor.

Oh, I get it.

Sorry to interrupt.

Go back to what you were planning...

uh, uh doing, uh, whatever.

Oh, uh, apropos of nothing,

uh, I like red velvet cake and close-up magic.

Oh, crap.

Now we have to throw him a party.

Who?

Your father.

Why?

It's his birthday.

Oh.

Can I bring a date?

You got a date?

That depends.

On what?

Can I borrow your car?

You don't got a date.

* Men.

You know, we don't have to go out to dinner

just 'cause it's my birthday.

Don't be silly.

This is a very special night.

How many times do you turn 40?

In my family, three or four.

Well, the first time is the one that counts.

Okay.

So... so, it's just us, right?

Of course, it's just us.

Who else would it be?

I don't know.

My friends, family.

A close-up magician.

Oh, darn, what gave it away?

Well, when I left the house, Jake was taking a shower,

uh, Charlie had on long pants,

and Berta said she had to quit early

because she was going to some loser's birthday party.

Oh, good, I had her down as a "maybe."

Promise you'll act surprised.

* Men.

Oh!

Oh, my God, what a surprise!

I don't know these people.

We have a private room.

Sorry.

We got a private room.

Go back to your dinner.

Ooh, gazpacho.

This is so nice.

: A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us.

Oh, my God, you guys!

There's nobody here.

I don't understand it.

I told them to be here an hour ago.

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

My family are a bunch of thoughtless,

selfish butt-wipes.

Surprise.

* Men.

Evelyn, smile.

That's a keeper.

Listen, darling, are you going to be cutting the cake soon?

Because, actually, I have a real party to go to.

You can't go.

We haven't even done the speeches yet.

Oh, of course.