Superior Donuts

So, what are you working on?

Since I'm the newest detective they stuck me with the cold cases.

This couple was dismembered while they slept.

Ugh. Till death did they part.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out who did it.

Hello. What do we have here?

- A clue? - The lamp.

This would look so good in my living room.

Randy, now that you're a detective,

can I be your streetwise sidekick that busts heads and takes names?

Because I don't play by the rules, lady.

Yeah, I work alone.

That's how all buddy cop movies start.

I can't wait for the part where you have to handcuff me

to the steering wheel.

Hey, guys! Where'd you go to lunch?

Shaw's. And look, I brought you something.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Oh, my favorite.

Free Sweet'N Low.

Thanks, Franco. Or should I say Tavi?

It was my idea.

Yeah, you can't afford Shaw's on what you make here.

I pay for some stuff, too.

I left a pretty generous tip for the bathroom attendant.

They don't have bathroom attendants.

Oh. Then I paid some dude five bucks to watch me pee.

That is the going rate.

So, Arthur, you're a Cubs fan, right?

Am I a Cubs fan? Am I a Cubs fan?

Let me show you my Cubs tattoo.

- No, no, no, no, no. - No, no, that's good. That's okay.

My dad has a box at Wrigley,

but he's gonna be in London for a week in May.

Do you want it?

Do I want a box at Wri... Oh, thank you.

She's a keeper.

Hey, listen, uh,

the next time you go to Shaw's,

we're running low on toilet paper.

Okay.

Uh-oh, Sofia's here.

Why are you talking like that?

Well, because, you know,

you and Sofia, and now you and Tavi...

Had sex?

I was gonna say "wacka wacka,"

but that works, too.

What are you guys talking about?

Arthur thinks it's awkward 'cause you and I used to hook up,

and now I'm dating Tavi.

Oh. Why would that be awkward?

I don't get your generation.

When I met one of Joanie's ole beaus,

I'd tell him to scram

before I gave him a knuckle sandwich.

I feel like I got older just listening to that sentence.

So, times have changed, thank God.

- Here you go. Yeah, it's so not a big deal.

We didn't even have a relationship.

And Franco was totally honest and up-front about it,

which I really appreciate.

I enjoy comparing notes with my lovers.

Each new partner is like a blank canvas,

and I want to know exactly how they want to be painted.

Well, I'm gonna go.

Uh, don't forget we have that Jay-Z concert tonight.

Oh, right, right, right. Bye, baby.

Well, look at you, Mr. Fancy, seeing Jay-Z

Ain't that fancy.

I didn't even know he was in town.

Well, he's not. He's actually in Philadelphia.

We're taking her dad's private jet to get there.

Sometimes he lets me steer.

Yeah, well, it must be nice having a rich girlfriend.

She's buying you stuff.

Maybe she can get you a decent haircut.

Actually, Tavi likes my hair.

And who the hell are you?

Oh, I think you know.

It's me, Fawz!

From the donut shop!

Oh, what the hell? Is it Iraqi Halloween?

It looks great, but you're still not getting

through airport security.

No. It has come to my attention

that one of the workers at my sandwich shop

has been stealing.

So I'm going to pose as a worker

to find the culprit and have them eliminated.

You mean fired.

Sure, let's go with that.

I cannot have a thief working at Rub-A-Dub Sub.

By the way, that's a terrible name for a sub shop.

What? It's named after the original owner,

Raheem Rubadub.

So, how much money have they taken?

So far, it's just cheese.

But it's still stealing.

And if we don't have trust and honesty, we have nothing.

Okay, I'm off to go trick those stupid bastards.

This is gonna be fun.

It's fun firing someone who's making minimum wage?

Oh, Randy, you get me.

So...

private jet to Philadelphia... can I date her?

Heh, heh. Well, it does sound nice, right?

It's weird that Tavi does all this fancy stuff for me,

but I kinda feel bad that I can't do anything for her.

Well, did you tell her it bugs you?

Yeah, I tried, but then she gave me this shirt,

- and it's so comfortable. - (Sofia laughs)

Well, there's lots of stuff you can do for her.

Just take her somewhere you can afford.

Ha! There's only two places I can afford...

my apartment and this place.

And my apartment doesn't have free donuts.

This place doesn't have free donuts either, you know.

I don't know, what if she don't want

to hang out in my crappy little apartment?

You won't know until you ask,

and if you don't ask, it'll bother you more and more.

Hey, I really want you and Tavi to make it.

Ooh. If you get her pregnant, we can go to the All-Star Game.

You get a ten-minute break every two hours,

but if you want to step outside and have a smoke,

I'll look the other way.

Uh, ha ha, but I'm getting paid for that time.

Isn't that stealing from the sexy and benevolent owner?

Don't worry about him, I'm the boss.

That's right, you are the boss,

and I am the employee, and my name is Brian.

Hello. I'm in the mood for a sandwich,

Brian.

Of course.

: What are you doing here?

I wanted to see if you needed any help.

Maybe get a free sub.

Also, Arthur asked me to steal some napkins.

What kind of bread would you like, sir?

Uh, top part pumpernickel, toasted,

bottom part white, room temp.

Certainly, sir, I will get that

with absolutely no resentment whatsoever.

- So, any leads in the case of the missing cheese? - Not yet.

But I'm gonna find the culprit by the end of the day.

Why are you in such a hurry?

Because I rented the wig.

Hey, new guy, you want to grab a beer after work

and watch the game?

Oh, you mean like a friend?

Yeah.

No.

Let me ask you.

Do you know who's taking the cheese?

You're not gonna get any information out of anybody if you act like that.

You've got to build up the relationship.

Act friendly. Ask about their lives.

Back off, Tush, I got this.

Everything okay?

Everything's dandy, ma'am.

I'd love some condiments.

How about some mayo?

A little more.

Little more.

Teeny bit more.

Ah! That's too much.

All right, so let me give you a tour of the apartment

That's my media room, dining room, my kitchen.

Weird-ass roommate.

Hello, I'm Zale.

- Hey, I'm Tavi. - No.

Eh, wish I could.

She's just not getting it.

Yeah, um...

He's kind of a germophobe.

- And you said you wouldn't be here. - Don't worry,

I'm leaving soon. Just as soon

as I sterilize my tongue scraper.

I'm sorry about Zale, man. He-He kind of a strange person,

you know, but at least he don't watch me

when I sleep anymore.

How do you know?

Damn, baby, why you gotta ask questions like that?

- Now I'm scared. - (laughs)

- This has been a fun night, Franco. - See?

Told you we didn't gotta spend no money to have a good time.

Yeah, the music was great, the food was delicious.

Did you ever catch the name of the bride and groom?

Nah, but that ain't stop me from making a damn good toast.

I'm glad you had a good time.

Yeah. I gotta remember to thank Sofia.

- Sofia? - Mm-hmm.

I was telling her I kinda felt

a little insecure about how unbalanced

our relationship was,

and she suggested I do this.

Really?

Did it ever occur to you to talk to me about that?

It's occurring to me now.