Digging to China

Did you ever, ever, ever in your long-legged life

seen a long-legged sailor with his long-legged wife?

No, I've never ever, ever in my long-legged

seen a long-legged sailor with this long-legged wife.

Did you ever, ever, ever--

My the mother lived in one world.

I was always looking for another.

Once I tried to squeeze down a rabbit hole.

Then I tried digging all the way to China.

That's where I learned a mysterious electric force

protected the center of the Earth.

Later I tried to make the carpet from the front hall

fly me to Persia.

I always wished for the same two things, which

were really only one thing.

I wanted something magical to happen to me.

And I wanted my mother to get well.

The weatherman said it was a good day for traveling.

Hello, Harriet.

Hi, Harriet.

Hey, you can't sit here.

Going some place?

A sleepover.

Whose?

You weren't invited.

And you were?

You believed that stupid rumor.

It's not a rumor.

You're really weird.

Thank you.

According to the National Enquirer,

the UFO would land at 9:00 AM.

It was supposed to be a surveying

craft from another planet and abduct one or two

humans for medical experiments.

I was volunteering.

Alaska.

Class?

Juno?

OK.

Minnesota.

Class, Minnesota.

Now, st. Paul is the capital of Minnesota.

And I hope we remember that because that's

going to be important.

I'm down here!

People.

In Massachusetts.

Down here.

Massachusetts?

Eric, yes.

Ms. Mosher, the UFO is going to land.

People, there is no UFO landing.

Harriet Frankovitz thinks there is.

Down here!

I'm down here!

We need to concentrate here.

I'll be back.

My mother says I was born with an angel on my shoulder.

This is supposed to bring me luck and happiest.

I think she lied.

Mom, do you think I was switched to another baby

at the hospital?

No way, sweet pea.

Maybe I was--

I was left in a basket with a note to my blanket.

No basket.

No, no Harriet.

Just hoping.

Mom!

Mom!

You're driving on the wrong side of the road again.

OK.

Buckle up.

I already did.

Oh boy.

It'll be OK.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Hold on, sweetie.

These people.

Oh. that's better.

Sorry I scared you, sweetheart.

Harriet, where were you going today?

On a vacation.

I thought we agreed that you wouldn't run away anymore.

I wasn't running away.

I was just taking a vacation.

Honey, children don't go on vacations

without their mothers.

I'm not a child.

Harriet, how old are you?

10.

I'm glad we agree on something.

Sometimes I felt my mother was smart and really beautiful.

Other times I worried a nest of spiders was living in her hair

and they were eating through her skull and chewing on her brain.

Harriet!

Come on.

Mom has to take a rest.

Come on!

Coming!

Anybody out there?

Mom.

What?

What?

Do they ever answer?

Mhm, once.

Yeah?

What did they say?

Let's go on vacation?

Hey, Harriet, if you're done with that,

go get Gwen from the office.

Once Gwen caught me and got mad.

She said to me mom drank twice as much to get the same drunk.

I think it's better for her to take her twice as long.

Thanks, Jane

You're welcome.

Gwen?

Gwen, are you in there?

Gwen?

What?

Come on, Gwen.

Please open up.

What?

Mom said to find you.

Well, you didn't.

But she's sick.

So is Geoffrey, and I'm taking care of him already.

So just go find someone else to bother.

My sister Gwen should have been a nurse.

She was always making some guy feel better.

The alpha man, human salamanders, the snake people.

You want to buy a rock?

My son needs a bathroom, and I need to tow.

He can use a bush.

He's very particular.

He needs a toilet.

There's a phone at the motel over there

and lots of bathrooms.

What's wrong with him?

That's Ricky.

He was born blue.

Hi, Ricky.

Honey, could you show us the motel?

You have California plates.

Are you from Disneyland?

$10.

The water pump's broken.

Do you know about cars?

Got one that needs work?

No, but I'm thinking about getting a new one.

I got a spy ring in the mail--

It It's also a dog whistle.

You can have it.

Dogs don't come.

Here's your money.

Where's the key?

It's cabin 14.

It's to the right.

I'll take you around.

At the end.

Who's going to fix your car?

Not you.

Ricky, come along.

Follow me.

See you later, alligator.

You're supposed to say, in a while, crocodile.

Don't bother the guests.

I wasn't.

He was bothering me.

In the future, just don't talk to them

But I like talking to them.

You like talking to anyone who'll listen.

Hey, mom.

There's a booger on my fork.

It's probably just some cheese.

Don't worry about it.

Just eat it.

Hey, mom.

You know what?

What?

I saw a unicorn at Sanderson last week.

I already heard about it.

It was just a horse with a plastic cone glued to his head.

No, it was a real unicorn.

They found it in some rich guy's private zoo.

It had been mistreated for years and finally they let it out.

Good for it.

Harriet, don't bother mom now.

Hey mom, you know what?

What?

Raindrops are perfectly round.

Not shaped like tears.

You have to look really fast to see a raindrop.

And there's this ocean of water under a desert in Africa.

In some places, there are mountains under the sea.

But the water is so deep, the mountains

are completely covered.

Hey, shut up!

Make me.